“God damn it, we’ve got to take this opportunity to pump these limp wristed homos full of good straight redneck blood,” the Reverend Horatio Dump told the Weekly World Shopper, available at supermarket checkouts throughout the mid west, as he organised emergency blood donations in the aftermath of the mass shootings at an Orlando gay nightclub. “Once those boys have had a couple of pints of blood group hetero, they’ll be true red blooded American males with eyes only for women’s breasts and butts and a desire to stick their privates in the right orifices!” Dump, a colourful local figure who heads his own ministry, the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Shit Kickers, has been accused by both media and local community leaders, of trying to exploit the tragedy in Florida in order to advance his own homophobic agenda, something he strongly denies. “Look, there’s a reason they don’t let these gay boys and lesbian ladies donate their blood in this state,” he declared. “They don’t want to take the risk of their tainted blood turning good straight folk the other way, let alone infecting them with all that AIDS and other sick stuff swilling about in their veins. So, the only way to save the injured is to pump them full of good straight blood. I’m just trying to ensure maximum survival rates by recruiting the fittest most virile donors available – who all happen to be strapping heterosexual rednecks. Every one of them a gun owner.”
He also denies that his belief that homosexuality can be cured via blood transfusion is unscientific nonsense. “What’s nonsense is this cock-eyed modern liberal mumbo jumbo that being gay is somehow ‘natural’ and in the genes – it’s a disease,” he asserted. “Like all diseases it can be transmitted through blood, kissing, sex and sitting on toilet seats. But it makes those infected weak not just morally but physically too – just look at the way those gays lose all the strength in their wrists, for instance. So a good dose of stronger, non gay infected, blood can overcome the sickness! Once they’ve got the good stuff pumping through their bodies, they’ll have wrists thick as a pit bull terrier’s neck!” Dump has also defended his insistence that all of the blood donors he organised were not only heterosexual males from south of the Mason-Dixon line employed in manual labouring jobs, but that they were all owners of at least one assault rifle. “Now, just because that crazy boy who did all the killing in that club used an assault rifle, it doesn’t mean that they are inherently evil,” he explained. “We all know that the best defence against guns is more guns. Believe me, if those homos weren’t so namby pamby and limp wristed about firearms, there wouldn’t have been so many casualties in that club – the shooter would have been blown away before he could have loosed off more than a couple of rounds!”
Nonetheless, politicians and media commentators alike have condemned Dump’s assault rifle comments as being, at the very least, tasteless and hugely disrespectful of those who died or were injured in the Orlando massacre. “There’s nothing disrespectful in trying to learn lessons from this tragedy and applying them so as to avoid any similar future occurrences,” the preacher retorted. “I’m just saying that these gays have got to man up and start fighting fire with fire when they find themselves under attack. Getting a dose of good heterosexual blood is the first step toward this.” Dump denies that he is trying to ‘cure’ homosexuals, insisting that he most certainly doesn’t want them to stop seeking the company of other men. “There’s nothing finer, in my mind, than the bond between a man and his fellow men,” he enthused. “How I love that locker room camaraderie, away from the pernicious influence of women, who are always trying to weaken our masculinity. There’s nothing wrong with admiring the body of another man – it’s perfectly normal for athletes and body builders to compare their musculatures. That’s what I want for these gays – to be more manly about their love of other men. And cut out all the sexual stuff – that’s what women are for, to safely sate those unholy urges. Then you can go back to rubbing oil on each other’s manly physiques.”
His critics, however, claim that the Reverend Dump has form for attempting to ‘cure’ homosexuality: in the early noughties he had courted controversy by claiming that he could ‘beat the devil of homosexuality’ out of young men and invited any of his parishioners who suspected their teenage sons of being gay to bring them to his church, where he administered bare arsed, over the knee, spankings. Worse was to follow. Six years ago, after being arrested for sexually assaulting young men behind his store front church in the Miami suburbs, he claimed in court that he was so heterosexual himself that he could, quite literally, bugger the homosexuality out of gay men. “My manhood has been blessed by the Lord and I brandish it like a crucifix,” he claimed in his defence. “My semen, likewise, has divinely inspired healing powers, able to cure the gay sickness when injected into a diseased body.” He is currently on parole, having served five years of a ten year sentence for sexual assault.
Of the shooter in the Orlando incident, Dump admits to having mixed feelings. “On the one hand I’d like to say that he was doing God’s work, by providing this opportunity to bring a cure to so many gay people,” he mused. “But on the other hand, he was one of those filthy Muslim heretics, so I have to believe that he was inspired by the devil to kill these good American boys and girls. They might have been homos, but as Christians at least they have the chance of salvation, unlike that Muslim devil, who will be condemned to burn in Hell eternally!” The fact that the shooter might have himself been gay has been seized upon by the pastor as ‘proof’ that his views on homosexuality are valid. “A Muslim and a homo – no wonder he went crazy,” declared Dump. “If he’d been a good Christian boy who hung around the gym pumping his muscles and using his assault rifle the proper way – to relieve his unclean sexual impulses on the firing range by loosing off a few hundred rounds – this tragedy might never have happened.” Dump has been disavowed by other local church leaders, who described his religious beliefs as: ‘Highly confused’.