With the EU referendum looming, disturbing reports as to the ‘Leave’ camp’s contingency plans in the event they lose the poll have emerged. “They just aren’t going to accept a vote to remain in the EU, regardless of the margin of victory,” says Tiberius Fooker, a former ‘Leave’ campaigner who has recently defected to the ‘Remain’ camp in an article in the Daily Norks. “They’re on a mission to seize control of the UK in a ‘Full English Coup’ and implement their crackpot schemes, the EU referendum is just a convenient excuse. If they can carry out a peaceful coup by winning the poll, all the better, as far as they are concerned. But with opinion polls indicating that the result is on a knife edge, they’re preparing military action!” According to Fooker, the ‘Leave’ camp has a whole paramilitary structure ready to seize strategic institutions. “A lot of it is down to Iain Duncan Smith and his military background,” explains Fooker in the ‘Remain’ supporting tabloid. “He’s recruited all these ex-squaddies from his old regiment and has got them ready and waiting to seize post offices, police stations and town halls all over the country. In London, they are planning to seize all the main government buildings and departments.” Sceptics in the ‘Leave’ supporting right wing press have poured scorn on the claims, pointing out that most of former Guards officer Duncan Smith’s former military colleagues would now be nearing retirement and in no fit state to carry out a coup in the face of Britain’s current armed forces.
“What do you think all those cuts in defence spending over the past six years were about – austerity?” asks Fooker, who claims that the anti-EU paramilitary coup has been in years in the planning. “The idea was to weaken Britain’s armed forces sufficiently that they couldn’t even defend the UK from being taken over by a bunch of retired old soldiers armed with shotguns, walking sticks and cricket bats! It’s not as if the army could even put any tanks on the streets to protect parliament – they’ve all been scrapped to save money.” The ‘Leave’ leadership are also relying upon the fact that they will have the support of at the half of the electorate likely to vote for Brexit and that the rest of the population will be so ground down and dispirited after six years of austerity that they won’t have the inclination to oppose the coup. “That’s what the government’s economic policies have really been about,” he told readers of the Daily Norks. “Breaking the spirit of the masses and beating them into blind obedience. That’s the brilliance of the Brexiterrs long-term strategy: they’ve effectively had Cameron and Osborne sowing the seeds of their own downfall through their own policies.”
Once they’ve seized power, whether via a referendum victory or a coup, the ‘Leave’ campaign is planning to swiftly implement its plans to free the UK of what it sees as pernicious foreign influences. “The supermarkets will be the first targets,” Fooker says. “They have teams of specially trained storm troopers waiting for the supermarkets to open on Friday morning, when they are going to pile in and trash those aisles filled with Polish foods they all have now. They won’t stop there, either. Any other foods originating in EU nations will be under threat, too. All that pretentious French bollocks, German sausages and anything pasta-based will be out. Stuff like curries and Chinese food will be OK, though, as that’s seen by the Brexit brigade as being traditional British food.” Specialist Polish shops will also come under threat. “They’ve got squads of kids, each one issued with a brick, ready to smash their windows,” Fooker reveals. “As for Italian and French restaurants, even as we speak, they are preparing the firebombs.” A ban on croissants is also on the cards, with Fooker claiming to have overheard UKIP leader Nigel Farage opining that the continental breakfast is an abomination, designed to sap the strength of red blooded Englishmen. “It was at one of the secret planning meeting I attended – Farage was ranting on about how it was unnatural to be eating pastries and cheese for breakfast,” he explains. “He was banging his fist on the table, shouting that the only breakfast fit for a stout hearted Englishman should come from a frying pan – the only thing with butter on should be toast. And even that should be fried. Anyone eating anything else was a traitor.”
Turkish barbers and kebab shops were also on the hit list. “With all this anti-Turkish sentiment they’ve been whipping up, there’s no way they could let them off of the hook,” says Fooker. “There was talk of forced shavings of huge Turkish moustaches and a ban on those shoes which curl up at the toes.” Foodstuffs, facial hair and footwear, however, will not be the only targets of a ‘Leacve’ regime. “They are also planning mass round-ups of pets, particularly dogs,” the campaigner says. “What they see as ‘foreign’ breeds are likely to be interned and destroyed – dogs like German Shepherds, Irish Wolfhounds, French poodles and the like. There are plans for legislation to prevent people owning any dogs other than good British breeds like King Charles spaniels, Jack Russell terriers and bulldogs. Cats might be luckier, most of their foreign breeds, like Siamese, Persian and Burmese cats, come from outside the EU. Nevertheless, all such felines will be subject to investigation of their residency status, as they could be illegal immigrants and taking up positions which could be filled by British moggies.”
Other post-referendum plans allegedly include the mandatory pulling down of any building work carried out by Polish builders – property owners would be forced to have the work rebuilt, at their own expense, by British builders. “They are completely insane – as far as they are concerned, using foreign tradesmen is an act of treason as any money you pay them will be transferred out of the country,” an exasperated Fooker informed the newspaper. “There was even talk of demanding reparations from other EU states, post-Brexit, for any benefits, healthcare or even wages claimed by their citizens for the period that Britain was part of Union. I remember that Boris Johnson, in particular, got very enthusiastic about the idea of seizing the assets of foreigners living here post-Brexit. He was all for throwing them out of their houses and taking their cars, for instance.” Challenged over these allegations, senior Brexit figures refused to comment, with Boris Johnson merely mumbling and waving his arms about and Nigel Farage braying like an ass.