In a move that has taken political commentators by surprise, Donald Trump has categorically denied that he was ever US president, labelling claims that he ever occupied the Oval Office as ‘Fake news’. Despite his critics pointing to the vast amounts of media coverage both of his campaigning for the office and his four years in office, Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, has dismissed such videos and newspaper reports as being fabrications. “These things represent outrageous fakery on the part of the liberal media, who have long sought to discredit my client,” he declared at a press conference held outside a disused carpet factory in west Pittsburgh. “Produced using lookalikes and CGI technology, these are all part of an elaborate conspiracy to blame Mr Trump for the failures of the Democratic Party by deceiving the public into believing that he was in power for the past four years and therefore responsible for the turmoil experienced by this great nation.” Already various conservative news networks such as Fox News and OAN have moved to deny the existence in their libraries of any news footage of Trump as President, claiming that any such footage they might have used over the past four years were actually ‘pooled’ reports that originated with the likes of CNN, MSNBC and CBS. “Having subjected this footage to expert analysis, they now realise that it was all fake and that they had been duped by the liberal elites,” claimed Giuliani.
Not surprisingly, these claims have been met with incredulity from the mainstream media and Democrat politicians. “You have to admire these guys for their sheer audacity,” commented Mike Everbird, Political Editor of the West Milwaukee Farmer’s Gazette. “First off they claim – with no evidence – that the election was rigged to deny Trump a second term, now they are claiming that he didn’t even have a first term! I mean, are they asking us to believe that the White House was vacant for those four years?” Trump and Giuliani, however, are claiming that the White House was occupied during this period – by President Hillary Clinton. “This is the great lie that they are perpetrating – that Donald Trump defeated Clinton in the 2016 election when, in reality, it was the other way around,” Giuliani insisted at his press conference. “The Democrats and their woke cronies in the media have succeeded in convincing everyone that Hillary Clinton’s disastrous presidency never took place!” According to conservative podcaster Herb Filchette, the alleged Hillary Clinton presidency was wracked by scandal from the outset, as the president enacted her woke agenda. “Every form of perversion was made legal, equalities legislation went mad, with employers forced to meet quotas of minorities – ‘excess’ white males, for instance, were sacked to make way for more women, ethnic minorities and sexual deviants,” he declared on a recent episode of his podcast, Right On!. “Public opinion really began to turn when enforced sex changes were mooted to ensure an even male/female split in the general population, but the final straw was the legalisation of peadophilia, with fast food joints able to offer underage kids on the menu, in addition to Pizza!”
Civil unrest and rioting allegedly followed – which has subsequently been characterised as having been perpetrated by armed right-wing supporters of ‘President’ Trump. “Sure, a lot of them were Trump supporters,” Filchette concedes. “But they were calling upon him to save us all from the woke tyranny, while they desperately tried to defend decent citizens from the army of perverts and illegal immigrants Clinton had unleashed upon America!” Filchette is one of a number of right-wing podcasters and web broadcasters who have seized upon Trump’s latest claims, alleging that, despite the mainstream media’s attempts at brainwashing, they have clear memories of the supposed Clinton presidency. “It’s not just the media, mind. The Feds have been putting something in the water to mess with our memories, too,” opines survivalist Abe Prink, speaking on his regular internet show, broadcast from his gun-packed cave hideout in Montana. “But for the past six months, I’ve been recycling and purifying my own urine to drink, so the truth has all come back to me!” According to Prink, Hillary Clinton was forced to resign in early 2020 after being besieged in a Pizza restaurant by an armed mob and was replaced by Vice President Kaine. “But he was tainted by his association with her, so the liberal woke conspiracy elite put that senile old fool Joe Biden up as their puppet candidate,” he ‘recalls’. “So the people begged Trump to come out of retirement and put himself up as a candidate once more, but, despite riding a wave of popularity, the bastards rigged the 2020 election against him!”
While it is perhaps unsurprising that those on the extreme fringes of the right, already steeped in ludicrous conspiracy theories, should be susceptible to Trump’s latest bizarre claims, there is some evidence that the wider US population might also be receptive to them. “You know, the more I think about it, the more that I seem to remember Hillary Clinton bein’ president,” Fuckle County, Tennessee resident Harve Upwind told his local newspaper, The Fuckle Bugle. “How else can we explain all them queers, trans-homos or whatever they call ‘emselves and underage rent boys runnin’ around these days? They’s never have been allowed under a Trump presidency – they’d have been declared fair game and we’d had been able shoot ‘em in the huntin’ season.” newspapers are reporting significant numbers of people visiting therapists and experiencing ‘recovered memories’ of the Hillary Clinton presidency. “Many of them have been deeply traumatised by these memories,” claims Herb Filchette. “Reliving the horrors of those years – some of them were so taken in by the woke agenda that they entered into same sex marriages or had sex with underage kids – has been almost too much to bear for many of them”
Political correspondent Mike Everbird has been left aghast by these developments. “Jesus, what the Hell is going on in this country?” he laments, shaking head in despair. “Now we have news outlets speculating that the whole Q Anon thing wasn’t a crazy conspiracy theory, but actually an expression of repressed memories about this non-existent Hillary Clinton presidency!” Everbird has been particularly disturbed by the latest attempts to rewrite events surrounding the January 6th 2020 attempted insurrection at the Capitol. “Now these right-wing kooks are saying that the rioters were actually the victims,” he exclaims. “Apparently they were just a group of tourists who were set upon crazed legislators! They were the ones barricaded in the chamber, while a mob of armed Representatives led by Nancy Pelosi tried to batter the doors down!” Sadly, Everbird notes, the US public has a history of being persuaded by such bizarre conspiracy fantasies. “Just look at the number of people who believe the 2020 election was rigged,” he sighs. “Or that the moon landings were faked, that Paul McCartney is dead or that the earth is flat, all contrary to provable facts!”
