A local US police force has stoked controversy by having its officers wear black face whilst on duty. “It’s for purely defensive purposes – I don’t want anyone thinking that we’re a bunch of racists down here in Tennessee,” declares Fuckle County Sheriff Abe Knuckler. “The fact is that this is the only way to stop my boys from being shot on the street by those black power activists, or whatever the hell they are.” The Sheriff’s Office’s bizarre new tactics have been presented to the press and local community as a response to the recent spate of fatal shootings of police officers, apparently bt black activists, across the United States. “It seems to me that these fellas aren’t going to shoot their own kind,” muses Knuckler. “So before my deputies go out on the streets, I insist that they all black up – they don’t have to use any fancy make up, boot polish will do. Just so long as they don’t look white through the telescopic sites of a sniper rifle.” Critics have been quick to point out that not only has Fuckle County not actually suffered any of the attacks on police officers which have been plaguing other parts of the US, but that several of the slain officers have themselves been black. “Well, that just goes to show that our black face policy is working, doesn’t it?” responds the Sheriff, adding that, in point of fact, even Fuckle County’s black officers have been ordered to black up. “It stands to reason that if black officers are being killed by these black radicals, it’s because they think they aren’t black enough. I mean, some of those light skinned ones could pass for white in the right light, so we don’t want to take any chances.”

Knuckler has also claimed that having his officers black up is beneficial for race relations in his force’s jurisdiction. “It certainly takes the racism out of police brutality,” he says. “I mean, a black guy getting beaten up by half a dozen black cops – well, they’ll know it isn’t racially motivated. They’ll understand that it is because they’ve done something wrong. Or just walked down the wrong side of the street, or something. Whatever they think, at least they won’t feel so bad about that beating.” Even more controversially, the lawman has argued that the blacking up of his deputies has ‘solved’ the issue of ‘white on black’ police shootings, pointing out that since the black ace policy was implemented, no black citizens have been shot by white officers in the whole of Fuckle County. “It’s like the regular police brutality, it just takes the race element out of it,” says Knuckler. “Now, if some black fella gets shot during a routine traffic stop, everyone will know that the colour of his skin was irrelevant, as he will have been killed by another black man. Everyone will be able to see that it was just an honest mistake rather than a racially-motivated judicial execution. Just like that business last week when that black guy taking a leak behind the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Fuckletown’s Main Street was shot by one of my deputies. I just thank the Lord that the deputy was blacked up, so that nobody could try and make racial capital out of the fact that he thought the suspect was holdin’ a shotgun when saw him with his whang in his hands. A sawn off one, obviously.”

The blacking up policy has, allegedly, resulted in reprisals, with several reports of Fuckle County deputies being attacked by what appeared to be Ku Klux Klan members. “We’ve had two patrol cars ambushed on what turned out to be fake emergency calls – when they arrived at the remote locations where there were supposedly incidents going on, they found themselves surrounded by fellas dressed in white robes,” explains Knuckler. “The officers were dragged from their vehicles and subjected to mock lynchings, before their cars were torched.” In another incident one white blacked up deputy found a blazing cross on his lawn, a group of white robed figures running away from his house when he emerged to try and extinguish the fire. Knuckler is convinced that these attacks, whilst racially motivated, are, in fact, cases of mistaken identity. “The local branch of the Klan ain’t the brightest of boys,” he says. “I’ve told ’em before that those deputies aren’t real black men. I can see I’m going to have to have another word with them.”

Fuckle County’s local Klan Grand Wizard, however, has denied that his members are responsible for the attacks, claiming that the perpetrators are actually members of the local African American community in disguise. “It seems perfectly obvious that they would be the only ones to benefit from these attacks,” forty eight year old costermonger Jim Spinks says. “They get to beat up some white cops, whilst we get the blame and the local black community get the sympathy! These attacks are clearly a case of tit-for-tat!” Spinks’ claims have left Knuckler confused. “Is this what they call black on black crime?” he asks. “Black guys pretendin’ to be white racists beatin’ up other black guys who are actually white cops blacked up to stop ’em from bein’ shot by these other black guys? Damn! I just don’t understand the world any more. It’s all just too confusing.”

Indeed, the Sheriff admits that many aspects of modern law enforcement currently leave him confused. “It was all so simple when I started as a cop,” he muses. “All you had to do keep the peace was keep those nigras in order. Not all of ’em of course, just the uppity ones. In fact, in those days just bein’ uppity if you were black as an arrestable offence – but to save on the paperwork, you’d just give them a good beatin’ instead. Then it all changed and they could be as uppity as the liked – one of ’em’s even in the White House! Instead it was those damned crazy Muslims we had to crack down on. Damned if I know what they’re crazy about, though.” According to Knuckler, things have now come full circle. “Now it turns out that some of these Blacks are Muslims as well – which means they’re uppity and crazy,” he says despairingly. “But we can’t tell the difference between the ones who are just uppity and the ones who are crazy as well! God damn! Then that liberal press wonders why our policemen are shootin’ nigras at the drop of a hat! Hell, any one of them could be a crazy Muslim terrorist tryin’ to blow themselves up! I’m tellin’ y’all, these shootings won’t stop until they give us a fail-safe way of tellin’ the difference between a plain uppity nigra and a crazy Muslim terrorist nigra!” Sheriff Knuckler’s comments have been widely condemned outside of Fuckle County as ignorant and inflammatory. Fuckle County authorities, however, have declined to remove him from office, pointing out that he was democratically elected to his post with a landslide victory, after campaigning on a platform of bringing back traditional policing to the County.