“Look, if you want to have had one of those childhood traumas that gets you in the headlines and gets you the sympathy vote, but had a perfect childhood, don’t worry – we can fix it for you,” declares Ron Fillet, (not his real name), the man behind a shadowy operation that claims to be able to fabricate whole pasts for people. “All you have to do is point the finger at someone in your past – grandfather, uncle, school teacher, local bully, for instance – and we’ll fit them up for you as a paedophile, violent bastard, psychopath or whatever. We guarantee to be able to produce watertight evidence – photos, witness testimonies, voice recordings, etc, – to make them look a monster and you a helpless victim! We’ll even help leak it to the press!” Clearly, such a services are costly to provide, with the operation’s activities allegedly confined, so far, to providing celebrities with the sort of childhood traumas that seem de rigeur for modern fame. Indeed, Fillet claims that virtually all of the most recent stories splashed over the tabloid front pages of various celebrities having suffered from childhood bullying, domestic violence and sexual abuse have been manufactured by his group. “Not a day goes by without some celeb or other comes to us saying ‘Fake me a trauma!’.  Obviously, I can’t name names – client confidentiality and all that,” he told <b>The Sleaze</b>. “But if I were to mention a certain hairdresser to the stars who hit the headlines when it was revealed that they’d been felt up in the school changing rooms by their PE teacher, well, I think you’ll get the idea of the calibre of both our work and our clients.”

According to Fillet, demand for these faked celebrity trauma stories is growing. “For one thing, it is all part and parcel of being a celebrity these days – a way both of showing vulnerability to your public while gaining widespread sympathy,” he tells us. “There’s also a degree of competitiveness to it – many celebrities feel left out when all their associates have successfully revealed this sort of thing to the public. It just makes them feel boringly normal for not having been buggered by their Auntie’s dodgy boyfriend when they ere twelve, or whatever. So, the solution is to come up with your own, even more traumatic story of childhood sexual abuse, bullying or violence.” But what of those falsely accused of abuse in these cases? “Look, there’s really no harm done – we usually pick on someone who is already dead so there can’t be any consequences, like jail, for them,” Fillet opines. “It also makes it easier to manufacture the evidence. Take the business about the hairdresser and the PE teacher – it was easy to persuade former classmates to come up with false statements saying that they’d been given a ‘helping hand on the buttocks’ when vaulting the horse and so on. They knew he couldn’t retaliate and wouldn’t lose his job or get nicked. Apparently he was a complete bastard anyway so, arguably, he was getting his just desserts by having his reputation posthumously trashed.”

While vilifying someone long dead for false crimes might not cause them harm, it still has consequences for their living relatives and friends. “As soon as those wicked lies were published, we had people throwing stones through the windows and shouting abuse at us in the street,” recalls the seventy two year old widow of the late, falsely accused, PE teacher. “My son suffered such levels of abuse, including being spat at and having his car torched, that he attempted suicide! One of those so called celebrity hairdresser’s ‘fans’ even poisoned our dog! It’s been an absolute nightmare!” The Solihull school at which the PE teacher had allegedly committed his crimes also found itself targeted. “Someone attempted to burn down the gym and some of the staff have suffered attacks,” the current head teacher told us. “Even I was targeted – a parent punched me in the face shouting ‘How’s that for touching up paedo lover?’ – and I wasn’t even employed here at the time the teacher in question taught here!”

<b>The Sleaze</b>, however, has evidence that not all of the smear operator’s victims <i>are </i> dead and that not all of their clients are simply celebrities seeking exposure and sympathy. “I was out in my garden one day when something warm and sticky suddenly hit me in the face – it stank to high heaven! When I started to wipe it off, I realised that someone had hurled a turd at me! At first I thought it was a dog turd, but I strongly suspect it was human,” for forty nine year old clergyman Vincent Gubler this was to prove the start of a vicious excrement based campaign of terror. “I put it off as an isolated incident – them someone backed a tanker up to my front door and pumped raw effluent through my letterbox! It was horrendous – the house was condemned by environmental services and the insurance refused to pay out, claiming that it was an ‘Act of God’! As if God would want to shit through my letterbox!”

Mystified as to who was behind these and similar attacks – which included shit being thrown at the Church whhere he preached – Gubler soon found himself being accosted in the street, boycotted by local businesses and, finally, the subject of a story in his local newspaper. “It accused me of having abused a choirboy a couple of decades ago, when I was a curate. He claimed that I’d kept him behind in the vestry after choir practice, stripped him naked and forced him to crap on a dinner plate, then eat it,” he says. “Even worse acts of coprophilia were also described – worst of all, a video started doing the rounds of social media, supposedly showing me crapping in this boy’s mouth! Utterly disgusting and a fake! A very good fake, but a fake nonetheless! That boy, now a successful and wealthy car dealer, has clearly decided to take revenge on me for having him kicked out of the choir for that incident when he packed the church organ pipes with cow dung, resulting in the Sunday congregation being showered with shit as the organist pulled out the stops while playing ‘Praise Him, Praise Him’. The little bastard!” Despite his protestations of innocence, Gubler has been suspended by the church and is facing being defrocked, a police investigation and has been forced to go into hiding. “The evidence that little bastard has falsified against me is just so convincing,” says the priest. “He must have had help to create it – I don’t recall him having any artistic ability when he was a kid!” Despite numerous enquiries from <b>The Sleaze</b>, Ron Fillet has so far refused to either confirm or deny that his operation is behind the smearing of Vincent Gubler.