“It’s like the bloody Midwich Cuckoos – this evil little blonde haired child with piercing blue eyes dominating our lives,” says Cornelius Fruckstone of the child that he and his wife adopted via an internet-based agency. “Even when we first got him as a baby there was something unnerving about him – it was that look of superiority with which he always regarded us. As if we were somehow inferior.” By the time their son was three, his behaviour was giving them cause for concern. “It was just so embarrassing – he was expelled from play school after a highly unpleasant incident of anti-social behaviour,” recalls...
Great Balls of Fire
posted by docsleaze
“He undid the fly of his radiation suit and just shoved his bits into the barrel of radioactive waste – we couldn’t believe what was happening! We were all screaming at him to stop from the control room, but he just thrust his genitals in further,” says nuclear technician Reg Wildarse,...
Stranger Danger
posted by docsleaze
“Believe me, this represents a quantum leap forward in protecting our children from roving child molesters,” declares Jim Tratt, as he unveils his new ‘Stranger Danger’ iPhone application. “Once you have this installed on your phone, you and your kids need never worry about...
Last of the Smoking ...
posted by docsleaze
“Look, as these bastards were at least partially responsible for this situation, it’s only right that they should help put it right,” Britannic Petroleum (BP) executive Charles Legover told a press conference in Pascagoula, Alabama, defending his company’s decision to...
Scream and Cream Again
posted by docsleaze
Is the government planning to steal the sounds of your orgasm and transform it into a deadly super weapon? This is the bizarre claim made by recording engineer Vernon Diddle when arrested by police last week for illicitly recording the lovemaking noises of an unsuspecting couple in Cobham, Surrey. “The sounds produced by human beings at the moment of sexual climax, when properly mixed and amplified, can be transformed into a beam of pure destructive energy,” thirty one year old Diddle told Woking Magistrates Court at his bail hearing. “By adjusting the power of the beam, it can incapacitate targets by inducing artificial...
Celebrity Big Bang
posted by docsleaze
A mob of angry showbiz reporters have gathered outside a Swiss research laboratory, where scientists are planning to replicate the conditions which resulted in the so-called ‘Big Bang’, when Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee first had sex on camera . However, Dr Hans Zippfisch, the...
Sex in Space
posted by docsleaze
In what’s being hailed as a major breakthrough in space research, NASA scientists have announced that they have finally achieved the weightless erection. “Make no mistake, this is going to reignite the space race,” says Dr Stuart Fumble of the Jism Propulsion Laboratory. ...
Sex Addicts
posted by docsleaze
Leading sex therapists are warning that Britain is facing an explosion of sex addiction, fuelled by the ready availability of pornography via the internet. “Make no mistake, this country is teetering on the edge of an erotic disaster – if the sexual desires of these addicts...
Queer in The Head?
posted by docsleaze
“I’m completely cured – I haven’t looked at another man’s arse in lust for over three years,” says top male model Ray Badger, endorsing psychotherapist Dr Phil Muzzler’s controversial Florida sex clinic in a new TV commercial. “My life was a...
The Greening of Bush
posted by docsleaze
“We’re going to bomb those dirty bastards into the Stone Age,” promised President Bush yesterday, as he launched his ‘War on Climate Change’ by announcing a series of air strikes against countries which fail to meet international targets for reducing their carbon...
Changing Times
posted by docsleaze
“This is the greatest innovation in mass entertainment since the invention of television,” declared media mogul Justin Pubicker at a press conference to unveil his company’s latest technological breakthrough: a time portal. “The possibilities are endless – we...
Safer Sex Offending
posted by docsleaze
In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the treatment of sexual psychoses, a Wiltshire hospital is piloting a scheme whereby convicted sex offenders will actually be allowed to molest ‘victims’ under controlled conditions. “We were inspired by the success of the...
The Evils of Science
posted by docsleaze
“I watched in horror as my fiancé’s genitals swelled to over twelve times their normal size – he was screaming in agony, fearing that his testicles might explode,” claims Harriet Hopjoy, describing the horrendous ordeal endured by her boyfriend Damien Joghurst, when he...
Fowl Play
posted by docsleaze
As bird flu finally reaches Britain’s shores, the government has begun outlining the precautions it intends putting in place to protect the public in the event of a full scale outbreak. “Clearly, identifying infected birds is the most obvious precaution the public can take to...
Chewing the Fat
posted by docsleaze
Green groups are up in arms over last year’s cremation the late Marlon Brando in Los Angeles, claiming that it may have caused irreperable damage to the environment. “We had reports from Central America that the smoke blotted out the sun for several days – crops could have...
Beastly Behaviour
posted by docsleaze
Animal rights protesters unveiled a new tactic when, last Sunday, they broke into an Oxford research centre, released the animals and offered themselves up as experimental subjects instead. “It gave me the fright of my life,” says scientist Danny Boskage of the sight that greeted...
Jefferson Park
posted by docsleaze
A top political scientist’s claims that he witnessed several varieties of US presidents previously thought extinct roaming free on a pacific island, have been dismissed by the media as the wild ramblings of a demented madman. However, Professor Christopher Turnpike, who was found washed...
Bad Taste
posted by docsleaze
“Let them eat shit,” says Tory MP and pig farmer Harry Bodkin, unveiling a bold new scheme to improve the nation’s health. “A bit of good honest filth never hurt anyone.” Indeed, Bodkin believes that many of Britain’s current health problems stem from our...
Mad Doctors
posted by docsleaze
“They’re magnificent, just what I’ve always wanted,” says twenty-eight year old builder Phil Nuggs, lovingly fondling the fine pair of 36DD breasts now adorning his chest. However, Nuggs is not a transsexual midway through a sex change – he is actually a serial sex-offender...
Dismember Me!
posted by docsleaze
Southampton police recently launched a major murder investigation after human body parts were found blocking a drain in a suburban street. “A severed fingerless hand, an arm and a left foot were found in the drain,” says a police spokesperson. “Another foot and a right leg...
Suburban Sex Machines
posted by docsleaze
With sex becoming fashionable in London, with erotic boutiques offering women designer dildos and vibrators opening in the West End, this issue The Sleaze takes a look at the other end of the scale – the growing number of enthusiastic amateurs developing their own sex machines and bondage gear in their own homes. Increasingly, adverts are appearing in the specialist press, and websites springing up on the internet, offering penetration and stimulation devices with names such as the Beaver Beater, the Fanny Batterer, the Donkey Flogger, the Snake Milker, the Ladies Delight and the French Polisher, claiming to be able to offer the...
Bad Medicine
posted by docsleaze
A right-wing Tory MP has launched an extraordinary attack upon the government’s latest initiative for cutting NHS waiting lists, claiming that the policy of sending patients overseas for treatment is could seriously endanger them. Indeed, backbencher Sir Harry Ronson-Tewel has claimed...