Top scientists have confirmed that the massive tremors that recently caused devastation across New Zealand were not, as first thought, caused by seismic activity, but were, in fact, of human origin. “This was no natural disaster in the ordinary sense,” claims Professor Ephraim Cobbey of the East Berkshire Academy of Horticultural Science. “There were widespread reports that the tremors were accompanied by a deafening noise and a rushing, almost hurricane force, wind and what has been described as an ‘evil’ smell that choked many victims and burned the eyes of others. None of these, of course, are normally associated with earthquakes.” Amid widespread speculation that the destruction in New Zealand might have been the result of the deployment of some new super weapon by an unknown agency, Cobbey has made the extraordinary claim that the culprit was actually a gigantic human fart. “We’re talking here of a single fart of enormous power expelled from the anus of a single individual,” he says. “Furthermore, this isn’t the first and I fear that it won’t be the last.” Indeed, according Cobbey and a group of similarly minded scientists, a number of recent so called ‘natural disasters’ that have befallen various cities around the world have, in actuality, been caused by these titanic trumps.
“This is the tenth such incident,” reveals Dr Harry Trubbler of the Southwark Institute of Advanced Textile Weaving. “Cities as far apart as New York, Buenos Aries, Zagreb, even Shanghai, have been hit by the shock waves unleashed by these trumps – all accompanied by the ear-splitting sound, the wind and the stench.” The most extraordinary attack so far involved the tsunami that recently engulfed Tokyo, resulting in enormous casualties. “That was no natural tsunami – we believe that it was caused by a huge fart being released underwater somewhere off the coast of Japan,” he explains. “This originally led to speculation that these massive effusion were being caused by some huge, hitherto unknown, sea creature breaking wind close to the surface. Obviously, they were too huge even to have been produced by a blue whale, so there was talk of some kind of gigantic prehistoric survival – a flatulent Godzilla, perhaps.” But subsequent incidents have reinforced the idea of human agency being behind the terrible trumps. “When Canberra was almost completely destroyed by a sudden bottom blast, it was found, in the aftermath, that the ruins were covered in a foul smelling sticky brown film,” reveals the scientist. “Analysis of samples has shown that it is excrement: human excrement!”
But just who is behind these titanic, city destroying, trumps? Is it a single individual who is travelling the world using his rectum as a weapon of mass destruction, or is this a concerted campaign by a global group of these super-trumpers? Moreover, what purpose lies behind the attacks – is it some kind of terror campaign? Will a ransom demand to the United Nations be forthcoming? Cobbey and colleagues believe that they may have the answer. “The clue lies in the excrement recovered from the Canberra disaster,” says the professor. “Analysis showed a very high vegetable matter content, indicating a vegetarian or vegan diet. Based on this, I think there can be little doubt that the world is currently being terrorised by huge, foul smelling, vegan farts.” According to the scientist it is an established fact that vegan flatulence is both far louder, more forceful and fouler smelling than that of normal people. “It’s a function of their diet – not only do they fart more frequently, but also far more violently,” he opines. “It isn’t beyond the realms of reason that some of the most fanatical vegans have developed a diet that can produce this titanic trumps.” Cobbey’s claims have been given further fuel by reports of a man having been staggering away from a hill a few miles away from Wellington on the day of the New Zealand catastrophe, the back of his trousers and underpants in tatters, blood coming from his arse. “This is exactly what you’d expect to see in someone immediately after releasing one of these deadly farts – trousers blown out and rectal bleeding caused by the sheer force of the blast,” he muses. “Apparently there is also satellite imagery apparently showing the same man standing on the hill shortly before the tremors hit, bending over with his backside pointing toward Wellington.”
The question remains as to whether these fart attacks are deliberate or simply accidents, the devastation being unintended collateral damage from innocent wind breaking. For his part, Dr Trubbler is convinced that they constitute part of a campaign by extremist vegans to force their lifestyle choice upon the rest of the world. “Look, these people are fanatics, not to mention evil – let’s not forget that they think that we should stop eating meat so that we can destroy all those cattle herds allegedly fuelling climate change with their farts,” he claims. “Clearly, they want to kill millions of cows for farting when, in reality, they are the ones producing city levelling farts! In fact, they’ll probably gas them to death with their evil farts! But worst of all, they’re all so bloody self-righteous and sanctimonious!”
Unsurprisingly, perhaps, the whole titanic trumping theory has been dismissed by the rest of the scientific community. “It’s absolute nonsense – there are all simply natural disasters. It just happens that they have occurred over an unusually short period of time,” claims top seismologist Dr Elliot Swink. “All this nonsense about loud noises, foul odours and rushing winds is based entirely upon online rumours and claims made by people who probably weren’t even present at any of the incidents. It’s just another crazed conspiracy theory based upon hearsay rather than facts.” Cobbey, though, remains adamant that the vegan super-farters are very real and pose a genuine threat. “I believe that they could soon start escalating the attacks – that thin film of shit in Canberra was a warning, It was clearly the result of a mild follow through. Just imagine if it had been a full scale follow through – the damage a big turd expelled with that sort of force and flying at those sorts of speeds doesn’t bear thinking about,” he warns. “We’ve already had ten cities shaken to their foundations by these titatinic trumps – if we’re not careful and don’t find out what these vegan terrorists want, then the eleventh could turn out to be the, literal, last trump!”
