In what’s being hailed as a major breakthrough in space research, NASA scientists have announced that they have finally achieved the weightless erection. “Make no mistake, this is going to reignite the space race,” says Dr Stuart Fumble of the Jism Propulsion Laboratory. “We know for a fact that the Russians have been trying to create the full on weightless chubby since the days of their Salyut space station – now they’re bound to redouble their efforts.” The outer space erection has been the Holy Grail of astronautical research since the early 1960s, when Gemini astronauts attempting to relieve the monotony of continuously orbiting the Earth by having a wank, found that it was impossible to get up to full mast whilst weightless. “The lack of gravity means that blood doesn’t flow properly to the extremities, making an erection damn near impossible,” explains Fumble. “We’ve finally managed to develop a system which pumps hydraulic fluid into a rubberised sheath which encases the penis – sufficient pressure is created to retain enough blood in the member to safely sustain a full erection for several minutes!” The scientist also revealed that the equipment was sophisticated enough to actually masturbate the penis – through subtle manipulations of the fluid pressure – thereby obviating the need for astronauts to remove their spacesuits whilst pleasuring themselves. “Not only does this leave the astronaut’s hands free to conduct complex scientific experiments,” says Fumble, “but it also means that they can whack off anywhere, even whilst space walking.” So far NASA has only been able to test their device out in weightless conditions created aboard an aircraft within the Earth’s atmosphere – the next phase will to be to give it extensive space trials during the Shuttle’s next mission. “It’s essential we show that this device can be used by ordinary astronauts with no special training to give themselves huge boners whilst in orbit,” claims the scientist. “The whole future of space exploration could depend upon this – right now the length of missions is restricted by the fact that no male astronaut can possibly endure more than twenty-eight days without effective hand relief. After that, madness sets in and they start resorting to all manner of crazy ways to get a hard on – I think we all recall Apollo 18 and the liquid nitrogen incident.” Fumble warns that if the forthcoming Shuttle trial fails, then space exploration will have to be left to women and eunuchs.

However, many commentators suspect that money may have more bearing on NASA’s eagerness to achieve the orbital hard on than any desire for scientific advancement. “It’s no secret that they’re desperately trying to generate funds by commercialising their services,” says Abe Reamer, science correspondent of the Weekly World Shopper. “If they can get this gizmo to work, then there’s a lucrative contract with a porno producer waiting in the wings. Weightless sex – it could be the next big thing in smut. But if the performers can’t get a proper stiffy, then they’re sunk. There just isn’t enough demand for lesbian porn to justify the producers’ expenditure.” The reporter claims that a new module for the international space station is already being prepared to facilitate the shooting of adult movies in orbit. “It’s being financed by a cartel of top Californian pornographers who want to put US produced porno back at the cutting edge of entertainment,” he explains. “Can you imagine what it would be like without the constraints of gravity? Jesus! Just imagine the amazing new positions they could come up with – it would just blow the opposition away. One look at that stuff and the average porn hound will never be satisfied with that pedestrian earthbound crap again.” Whilst the module will be fully equipped with everything needed to shoot porn films – including tacky sets, false moustaches, dildoes, vibrators and bondage gear – there are still some in the scientific community who doubt the feasibility of the project. “It’s clear that they don’t fully appreciate the risks involved in engaging in sexual intercourse, even simulated, under weightless conditions,” warns top astrophysicist Professor Herbert Schwannstuffer. “It’s basic physics – every action has an opposite and equal reaction. Basically, without gravity, every time a male performer thrust into his female co-star, there would be a serious risk of them being propelled across the module at high velocity, possibly incurring serious injuries when they hit the bulkhead.” Despite such warnings, NASA still plans to press ahead with the trial, fearful that the Russians are about to try and steal a march on them. “They’ve just announced that the next ‘space tourist’ to go up on one of their Soyuz missions will be the notorious Russian porn star Vlad ‘The Impaler’ Bonkova,” says Dr Fumble. “The CIA have hard evidence that he’s going to trial their erection device – he’s so well-endowed he has trouble getting it completely up under full gravity, so if he gets a hard on in zero gravity it will be a major triumph!” Worse still, the CIA intelligence also indicated that both of the cosmonauts on the mission will be female, raising fears that the Russians will attempt not just the first weightless erection, but also the first orbital threesome.

Whilst, the Russians are certainly not denying these plans, they claim that there is no race to win, as Soviet cosmonauts achieved the first zero gravity erection back in the 1970s. “Is true, in 1974 Kremlin ordered Soyuz crew to whack off in space, they thought US Skylab crew were going to attempt boner using plastic rod stuck down urethra,” says Dimitri Cobblov of the Russian Space Agency. “Sadly, jism from commander’s ejaculation floated into controls of spaceship causing short-circuit. It burnt up as it re-entered atmosphere at wrong angle. So, record could never be proved.” Such claims are rejected by NASA, which believes that even had the cosmonauts survived, the record would never have been recognised. “The actual self-abuse didn’t occur until early in re-entry, when acceleration creates sufficient G-force for an erection to be possible,” declares Fumble. “Consequently, it wasn’t a true weightless bonk on. It just doesn’t count!” The NASA scientist is also highly critical of the equipment the Russians propose using in their latest attempt at an orbital chubby. “It’s just a rubber ring which goes around the base of the penis – the cosmonaut inflates it by squeezing a rubber bulb with his hand,” he explains. “It’s incredibly crude and has no fine control – there is a very real danger of anyone using it suffering permanent injury.” The Russians dismiss such claims out of hand. “True, is far less sophisticated than American device,” says Cobblov. “But is less to go wrong – we have heard many stories of NASA device malfunctioning and cutting blood supply to penis off altogether! We are proud to say that no Russian penises have been lost during tests of our device.” One person left frustrated by this new space race is former British Science and Technology Minister Lord Woodrow of Lorne. “Back in the 1970s we had government finance for producing a space erection device,” laments the peer. “But the press claimed it was a waste of money. Despite my attempts to convince them of the technological spin offs from such a project – it could have revolutionised the British sex aid industry – the cabinet got cold feet and pulled the plug.” But for the short-sightedness of his fellow politicians, Lord Woodrow believes it could have been Britain reaping the pornographic rewards of triumphing in the race for the weightless stonker.