Whitehall has been rocked by reports that classic fifties monster The Blob has been on the rampage in Westminster, apparently targeting various top Tory politicians. “Everyone thought that it was still in suspended animation in the Arctic wastes, but apparently some lefty environmentalist whack job has brought at least part of it to the UK with the aim of using it to bring down the government,” Tory deputy chairman Les Pripple to told self styled ‘news’ channel GB News earlier this week. “Already it has somehow put Boris Johnson back into the firing line for allegedly breaking his own lockdown rules – he’s had to appoint a whole new team of lawyers because it ate the previous lot!” Doubt has already been cast on Pripple’s claims, with experts questioning how a movie monster that hasn’t been see since a 1988 remake could be behind the alleged victimisation of the disgraced ex- prime minister. “It’s clearly ridiculous – passing Johnson’s diaries (which chronicled the parties he was holding at Chequers during lockdown) to the Covid Enquiry, goes against The Blob’s established modus operandi,” opines noted monster expert and Labour Party parliamentary candidate Dr Tristram Coxter. “Anyone who has seen any of the films it has appeared in, even tht obscure seventies sequel, knows that it absorbs living organisms, growing as it does so. A bit like Boris Johnson himself.”

But the Tories’ claims of monster interventions being behind the failings of various ministers continue unabated, with Pripple going onto Talk TV, another alleged news channel, to claim that fabled giant moth Mothra had been responsible for Home Secretary Suella Braverman’s havinghad to accept a fine and points on her licence for a speeding offence. “She was simply trying to out accelerate the thing as it fluttered after her down the M3,” he claimed. “Apparently, it was annoyed at her for its asylum application having been turned down. Quite rightly, in my opinion – being victimised by Godzilla is simply not grounds for being granted asylum in the UK. Besides, I’m sure that it would have been much happier in Rwanda, with those warm temperatures and jungles.” The top Tory further suggested that Mothra had subsequently colluded with The Blob in order to further harass the Home Secretary. “Well, I have it on very good authority that Mothra got The Blob to absorb the only providers of the alternative speed education courses that might have offered her a one-to-one course,” he confided to Talk TV host and Tory MP Nadine Dorries. “So she had no choice but to pay a fine and accept points on her licence instead.”

Meanwhile, former prime minister and swivel eyed loon Liz Truss is scheduled to give a speech to the Institute of Directors tomorrow, at which she is expected to claim that it was actually the fault of giant sea monster Gorgo that the UK economy crashed during her brief spell in Number Ten. “If the beast hadn’t have come up the Thames and eaten the Treasury, mistakenly believing that its offspring was being held in captivity there, then the markets would never have panicked,” a source close to the ex-premier has told the Daily Excess. “Ultimately, the blame lies with the last Labour government in 2010, which was negligent in its maintenance of the UK’s giant monster defences.” Likewise, Truss’ former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwartang, is expected to use an upcoming interview on Channel Four News to claim that the financial crash was, in fact, all down the Invisible Man sneaking into his office and altering all of his calculations to balance the budget.

Further revelations are expected to include that former Chancellor Nadim Zahawi didn’t pay his taxes because while he was doing his returns he was distracted by the Frankenstein Monster and the Wolfman fighting outside his window after they had been revived by a passing mad scientist and that The Mummy was to blame for the failure of the Brexit deal, (Lord Frost couldn’t concentrate properly on the negotiations with the EU because he was constantly being throttled by Kharis). There have also been suggestions that Dracula and his acolytes were responsible for the Tories’ poor showing in the recent local elections, having sucked the true blue blood of many of their supporters, leaving them unable to go out and vote during daylight hours. “There’s a rumour doing the rounds that it was some kind of prehistoric apeman that forced Dominic Raab to stand down as an MP at the next election,” notes Coxster, shaking his head wearily. “Apparently it was the apeman intimidating and beating up civil servants in his departments, but Raab got the blame and was branded a bully!”

Coxster remains firmly of the belief that none of the Tories’ recent misfortunes have had anything to do with monsters or other outside agencies. “Look, it is quite obviously all self-inflicted,” he points out. “After all, nobody forced Boris Johnson to break the law, or Suella Braverman to break the speed limit, any more than anyone other than Dominic Raab was responsible for Raab behaving in a bullying manner toward his departmental officials, thereby undermining his position. But, instead of taking responsibility for own mistakes, incompetence, venality, greed and corruption, they make up mythical threats and conspiracies to blame.” They are aided and abetted in this by the UK’s predominantly right-wing media, Coxster argues. “Rather than hold the government to account, they come up with stories about mythical monsters having eaten the Tories’ homework,” he muses. “If it isn’t some amorphous Whitehall/establishment ‘Blob’ consisting of civil servants, ‘experts’ and the like who constantly seek to frustrate them, then it is down to conspiracies by Keir Starmer to gerrymander elections by, well, allowing people to vote. Both, of course, are gross distortions of reality – the Tories are the establishment and they are the one’s trying to fix elections by discouraging people to vote through the introduction of voter ID, – something actually admitted to by former Tory minister Jacob Rees-Mogg)!” In Coxster’s opinion, the only true monsters currently abroad in the UK are the Tories themselves. “If we can’t find some way of stopping them – radiation, stakes through the heart, silver bullets – then believe me, they’ll devour us all!” he warns.