In a new Hollywood development, movie moguls have described as “totally false” allegations that a petition signed by over five hundred film stars, directors, writers and assorted hangers on had been sent to Osama bin Laden in the wake of 9/11, condemning his terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, as these had caused severe trauma to their egos by implying that Hollywood was utterly insignificant. Neither did this non-existent document call upon Al Qaeda to consider Los Angeles as a future target, due to its greater concentration of important public figures essential to the US’ cultural existence. Indeed, the Hollywood Screen Actors Guild has moved quickly to scotch reports that many of its members had suffered breakdowns and had been forced back into therapy, their sense self-worth destroyed by the terrorists’ decision to ignore them.

The Guild also denied that several of its members had campaigned against Guantanamo Bay, demanding that they be incarcerated there for their anti-war stances. The agents of George Clooney, Barbara Streisand and Sean Penn, amongst others, have poured scorn on claims that their clients had written to the government, complaining that the authorities’ failure to arrest them was an insult to their radical politics and part of a conspiracy to marginalise left of centre political activity in the US. According to highly placed sources in the film industry, Matt Damon did not claim that he deserved to be locked up in Camp X-Ray as making films like Syriana was every bit as subversive as blowing up buildings and hijacking airliners. He also, at no time, complained that the government was undermining his credibility by denying him the chance to become a martyr for his ‘art’.

Meanwhile, in the UK, ITV bosses have denied that they had grounds for suspecting that disgraced former This Morning weatherman Fred Talbot might have been a sex offender several years before his conviction for historic sex offences earlier this year. “It is completely untrue that there is video footage from 2008 of Fred Talbot leaping about the giant map of the UK floating in a Liverpool dock, pointing at the various locales with his penis as he gave the forecast,” a spokesperson has said, in response to tabloid reports. “There is also no evidence that he ever manipulated his scrotum on air into shapes representing the weather forecast symbols for clouds.” Nevertheless, a video has been posted on several internet forums which appears to show Talbot – who was convicted for sexual offences committed whilst working as a teacher at a private boys school, prior to his weather forecasting days – pushing his penis down over his testicles and kinking it a bit, apparently to represent the weather symbol for lightning. He is also seen pointing his penis down over his scrotum and urinating to represent the rain symbol and masturbating to represent snow. The ITV spokesperson has dismissed the video as ‘fake’, pointing out that if it really depicted a professional weather forecaster, they would surely also be able to simulate ‘wintry showers’ with their genitals.

Back in the world of Hollywood gossip, online rumours that Mel Gibson might be about to join the Scientologists have been scornfully dismissed by the secretary of the East Willisden branch of his fan club. “Look, Mel might be an anti-semite, a misogynist, allegedly violent to women and a racist, not to mention a drunk, but Hell, at least he’s not a Scientologist,” asserted fifty five year old Mary Mount-Camel. “OK, he has his own crazy religion, which seems to be based on some extremist version of Catholicism, but it isn’t Scientology. Indeed, in this respect, I think Mel deserves our praise – he’s not lazy like other showbiz loonies, who just jump on someone else’s mad religion bandwagon. Oh no, Mel has the balls to devise his own craziness. In this respect is probably only rivalled by Charlie Sheen!” Mount-Camel has also waded in to defend Gibson against claims of anti-semitism on the part of screenwriter Joe Ezterhaus. “It’s quite ridiculous for him to allege that Mel rejected one of his scripts because Ezterhaus is Jewish,” she says. “Clearly, anyone familiar with the work of Ezterhaus, the ‘fucking genius’ screenwriter, (as the late Bill Hicks once disparagingly described him), who gave us such classics as Basic Instinct, (to be fair, that probably is his best work), and Burn, Hollywood, Burn, would have to conclude that Gibbo rejected his script because it was shit.”

If you have any unsubstantiated rumours, grainy videos, out of focus and obviously faked photos or dubious tape recordings concerning the debauched behaviour of celebrities, send them to us at the usual e-mail address. Remember, just because its not true doesn’t mean its a lie, it could just be – Total Bollocks!