The FBI claims to have thwarted a daring new terrorist offensive against US cities with the arrest of Mohammed Kakker-Boosah, the so-called ‘Filth Bomber’. “Our intelligence suggests that Kakker-Boosah has been involved in the collection and storage of unusually large quantities of human excrement,” claimed Special Agent Chuck Trizzer at a Washington press conference. “Using a large tanker vehicle, he has been collecting it from cess pools and septic tanks up and down the North East corridor, and has been storing it at a secret location just outside Baltimore.” The FBI believes that Kakker-Boosah – a trained sanitary engineer – was planning to construct a huge ‘filth bomb’ and detonate it in the atmosphere above a major US city.

“The effects would have been catastrophic,” says Trizzer. “An area covering hundreds of square miles could have been affected by the fallout from such a device. Those unfortunate enough to be directly below the blast would have been engulfed by a blanket of human excrement. Hundreds, possibly even thousands, of innocent men, women and children would have drowned in a chocolate shower of death! Those who didn’t drown would probably have choked to death on the fumes. Further out from the blast, people caught in the open would have found themselves drenched in a noxious brown rain – at worst they would have suffered severe chemical burns and secondary infections of open wounds, at the very least they would have been washing shit out of their hair for the next six months! Whole city blocks rendered uninhabitable for decades to come, with both plant and animal life blighted by the effects of the effluent. The greatest irony would have been that the agent of their destruction would have been good honest American crap, produced by patriotic arses, perverted to serving the cause of evil! I can only thank God that we have managed to prevent this outrage!” However, Kakker-Boosah has maintained his innocence, claiming that he had perfectly legitimate reasons for collecting tons of human excrement. “I run a waste disposal company specialising in the collection and treatment of raw sewage,” he has protested from his jail cell. “I have contracts with all the people whose crap I collect! I take their shit and process it at my plant in Baltimore! I know nothing of ‘filth bombs’, I am a legitimate business man!”

For its part, the FBI maintains that Kakker-Boosah’s business is merely a cover for his terrorist activities, and has linked him with other attacks, including the notorious incident in May, when President Bush was spattered by a huge evil-smelling turd which fell from the sky whilst he was walking his dogs in the grounds of the White House. “Tests on skid marks found in the underpants Kakker-Boosah was wearing at the time of his arrest show that they match samples taken from the turd. There can be no doubt that he is the man seen hanging his bare arse out of the window of a light aircraft flying low over the White House the day of the attack,” says Trizzer, who believes the incident was a ‘dry run’ for the planned ‘filth bomb’ attack. “I might add that the underpants in question carried a Stars and Stripes motif – this degenerate was secretly showing his contempt for this great nation by wiping his arse on Old Glory on a daily basis! Let’s face it, the guy is clearly a terrorist – he has a whacky Arab name and access to tons of shit and the internet, where anyone can find details of how to make a ‘filth bomb’!” Despite the arrest of Kakker-Boosah, the terrorist threat remains very real, as a tape recently aired on the Al-Jizz Arabic TV network makes clear. “We will turn your own profane and decadent evil back against you, western infidels,” threatens Abdul Yackum, a close associate of Osama bin Laden, in the chilling broadcast. “America’s degenerate masses will drown in their own obscene filth!”

Experts believe that this refers not just to Kakker-Boosah’s foiled filth attack, but also to the extraordinary wave of pornography attacks which have struck the US over the past week. In perhaps the most serious incident, Vice President Dick Cheney suffered a near fatal heart attack after receiving a package of hardcore pornography through the post. “The sudden rush of blood to his nether regions as he inevitably – and involuntarily, of course – reacted to the sight of all those pert young breasts and firm bottoms, was nearly too much for the VP’s bum ticker to take,” said a Secret Service spokesman. “If only we’d known the true nature of the package’s contents, we’d never have let him open it, but sadly it looked just like his regular delivery of relatively harmless naked cheerleader magazines!” In response to this outrage, former President Bill Clinton has volunteered to throw himself in the path of any prostitutes or pornography directed at President Bush. “Its the very least I can do under the circumstances,” he told the press. “I believe that I am uniquely qualified to counter such threats!”

Most disturbingly, the terrorists have also been targeting America’s children with porn attacks. Suicide pornographers have attacked a number of school buses in the Chicago area, leaping aboard them and tearing off their clothes to reveal hugely detailed obscene pictures depicting various lewd acts tattooed on their bodies, before masturbating themselves to death. Meanwhile, in New Jersey, police believe that they have foiled a terrorist plot to sabotage Britney Spears’ halter top. “We think that the plan was for her top to fall off at the climax of her latest concert, exposing her magnificent – and entirely natural – breasts to thousands of screaming teenage boys,” says police Captain Dan Spume. “Exposure to Britney’s virginal nipples would have had a devastating effect on those kids – they probably would have whacked themselves off into oblivion!”

Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfield is convinced that Saddam Hussein lies behind this latest wave of attacks. “Clearly, these suicide pornographers were trained and tattooed at Iraqi porn studios. We have introvertible proof that huge film studios producing nothing but hardcore pornography have been secretly established in Iraq, and that Saddam plans to peddle the filth produced at them to American children. It is imperative that he be forced to allow UN porn inspectors access to them in order to verify that their production meets international standards for smut – no use of animals, children or flaccid penises,” he told a Pentagon press conference. “If Iraq fails to comply, we will have no choice but to use military force to close down their production!”