All over Britain, quite independently, hundreds of people are claiming that they have been buggered by unseen assailants in unprovoked sexual assaults. The similarities between the cases are staggering, including reports of both paralysis and ‘lost time’ on the part of victims. Typical is the case of Colin James, a Southwark bricklayer. “I was walking back home from a club late one night, when I was suddenly seized from behind and thrown, face first, onto the bonnet of a parked car. Before I knew it, my trousers were around my ankles and I was being taken roughly from behind – the sheer power of his thrusting made the whole car rock so violently that its alarm went off,” he recalls. Luckily, the alarm seemed to frighten off his mysterious attacker and police – called by the car’s owner – found him sprawled bare-arsed across the vehicle’s bonnet. He was arrested on suspicion of criminal damage, public indecency and soliciting for sex, but was eventually released without charge. “The police didn’t believe my story, instead suggesting that I had been engaged in drunken rent-boy antics!” Throughout his ordeal Colin claims that he found himself mysteriously paralysed – unable to move or speak. “The police tried to claim that the paralysis was the result of drugs I had taken in the nightclub,” he angrily told The Sleaze, pointing out that blood tests had shown no traces of illegal substances.

Some victims don’t even realise they’ve been buggered until long after the event. Gerald Tomkins of Preston, for instance, only began to suspect that something was wrong when he consulted his doctor about a strange fiery sensation around his anus. “I had no recollection of what caused it – one minute I was opening my front door after coming back from the curry house, next thing I was lying on my bathroom floor two hours later, my kaks round my ankles, a splitting headache, my hair wet and my bumhole on fire,“ says Tomkins. “The doctor said it was a burn of some kind and prescribed some vaseline for the next time I practised anal sex – I was flabbergasted! I’ve never taken it up the Gary Giltter in my life!” Dissatisfied with this diagnosis, Tomkins consulted local publican and part-time parapsychologist, Ted Nolan. “I immediately suspected that Gerald could be a victim of a phantom buggering and that his missing two hours could hold the answer to the mystery,” says Nolan. Consequently, Tomkins consulted a hypnotherapist and, under hypnotic regression, recalled how, during his ‘lost’ two hours, he had entered his house and gone to the bathroom to relieve himself. “I’d just finished and didn’t even have time to zip up my fly when my ankles were seized by an unseen intruder – next thing I knew I had my head in the bowl whilst he took me wheelbarrow fashion. My head was repeatedly hammered against the porcelain by the force of his buggerings,“ he told us, adding that he found himself totally incapable of movement during his ordeal. “After he’d finished, the sadistic bastard flushed the toilet with my head still in the bowl. Still paralysed, I feared that I was going to drown!”

Whilst reports of mysterious buggerings appear to be on the increase, they are far from being a new phenomenon. During the blitz in 1941, for instance, London was terrorised by the so-called ‘Blackout Buggerer’, responsible for several rear-endings in bomb-shelters. Going back even further, Irish folklore is full of tales of people being brown-eyed in their beds by howling banshees, or being kidnapped by the ‘little people’ and taken to their realm to be buggered senseless by fairies. Most significantly, in 1888 Victorian England was shocked by a series of outrages dubbed ‘The Balham Buggerings’, in which a number of respectable gentlemen were taken roughly from behind – without warning or apparent motive – in South London.

The similarities with the current assaults are astounding – the victims were respectable citizens, they never saw their assailant, and all reported a mysterious paralysis during the attacks. Moreover, most were taken in a public place – the first victim, a solicitor, had his brass eye nailed in a Hansom cab, for example, whilst the victims of the notorious ‘double event’ on 30 September 1888 had their fudge packed in a Turkish bath within minutes of each other. Despite much subsequent speculation the culprit’s identity remains a mystery, although some have speculated that Queen Victoria’s grandson, the Duke of Clarence – already implicated in the Cleveland Street Scandal, in which young messenger boys were sodomised by various members of the aristocracy – was the Balham Buggerer. Other suspects have included Oscar Wilde, Arthur Conan Doyle and even former Prime Minister William Gladstone.

But just who, or what, is really behind these outrages? Top paranormal investigator Wilson Collins believes that the buggerings could be the work of spirits. “Only last year there was national panic in Zanzibar when large numbers of people reported being sodomised by evil ghosts as they slept,” he enthuses. “Mischievous spirits playing smutty pranks is not uncommon. In 1921, for example, leading French medium Kiki Alphonse materialised an outsized ectoplasmic penis from her vagina at a seance attended by Harry Houdini. The apparition proceeded to fly down Houdini’s throat, nearly choking him. Also, the poltergeist which terrorised an East Sussex convent school in 1931 was well known for groping the girls and stealing the nuns’ underwear.”

However, others believe the buggerers to be flesh and blood. Tory backbencher Sir Harry Ronson-Tewel is convinced that the current spate of unprovoked buggerings are the work of foreign perverts. “Large gangs of foreign deviants, principally Turks, are entering this country illegally, in the guise of asylum seekers, with the express purpose of buggering Britain’s fine, and largely unmolested, bottoms,” bellows the MP, pointing out that a significant number of attacks have occurred in Turkish baths. “Several victims have reported feeling a tickling sensation at the backs of their necks during these assaults – clearly caused by the large bushy moustaches affected by these Turkish devils. The Turks have a long and shameful history of this sort of thing – just look at the atrocities perpetrated against Allied prisoners at Gallipoli in 1915! Not satisfied with buggering the Kurds and the Armenians into near extinction, they are now exporting their filthy vice to England!” Whatever the explanation, it seems clear that these phantom buggerers present a very real threat to national security – unidentified phallic objects seem to be regularly penetrating British defences and bottoms, apparently at will and completely undetected by our security forces. Nevertheless, the Ministry of Defence has refused to investigate, with their so-called “UFO expert” Mick Priest claiming that there is no threat to UK defences and that all reported buggerings can be explained in terms of natural phenomena. Despite this, the fact remains that ordinary British people are being regularly subjected to unwelcome anal intrusions by unknown parties.