Thaddeus Cacker – Britain’s self-styled Dr Dung – was today handed a six month prison sentence. Cacker was convicted under anti-stalker legislation, following complaints from several celebrities, including Rod Stewart, Russell Grant and Liam Gallagher. They had claimed that Cacker was unreasonably invading their privacy in his attempts to steal their excreta. He was eventually arrested by the police in April, having been caught crouching in a manhole outside rotund Radio One DJ Chris Moyles’ Brixton flat at one o’clock in the morning. He was poised to catch any flushed stools in his rubber-clad hands. Cacker told the arresting officer: “He’s just come back from the pub and the bathroom light’s on – he’s bound to be taking a dump – he’ll flush any minute now if you’ll just let me hang on!”
The faeces obsessed former environmental health officer had apparently been stalking Moyles and other celebrities in order to ascertain their toilet habits. It seemed that he had hoped to obtain one of the DJ’s turds the previous night, but unfortunately Moyles had visited an Indian restaurant after leaving the pub. “That always gives him the skitters”, Cacker allegedly remarked during the police interview. “Its no good if it isn’t solid, you just can’t get a grip on it – it just runs through your fingers.” A search of Cacker’s flat revealed an amazing collection of excreta, each piece labelled for its origin and carefully carved into an effigy of its creator. A three-foot long reclining nude of ex-Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell was particularly impressive. At his trial Cacker successfully refuted the prosecution’s allegations that he had planned to use the effigies in some kind of bizarre voodoo ritual to induce diarrhoea in certain leading celebrities.
The demented dumpster demon’s obsession is believed to date back to his days working as an environmental health officer for Camden Borough Council, where he was frequently called in to investigate sanitation complaints. “It was frightening”, he told a newspaper reporter whilst on bail in May. “The level of toilet abuse I saw was appalling. Some of the poor things hadn’t been flushed in months – there was crap piled up to the brim, sometimes beyond!” Cacker proved to be adept at unblocking the reeking receptacles. “He used to burst into bathrooms and cubicles wielding his sink plunger like a crucifix!”, a former colleague recalls. ”We used to call him the jobby exorcist and the Pope of Poop! Mind you, on the really big jobs the sink plunger sometimes proved inadequate and he had to use a crowbar or a pressure hose. Occasionally the blockage was so bad that he had no choice but to destroy the toilet itself – that always left him heartbroken!” Cacker took to his role as the “jobby exorcist” with gusto. “I could always tell how bad a blockage it was as soon as I entered the building”, he reminisced earlier this year. “The smell would give it away – it would be like an evil presence haunting the cubicles. Still, nothing frightens me any more – I’ve seen every conceivable type of toilet phenomena, ranging from giant floaters to ectoplasm crawling up the sides of the bowl.“
After three years of amazing unsanitary exploits, Cacker was transferred to new duties – leading the fight against dogs fouling the public pavements of Camden. Unsurprisingly, the Pope of Poop brought his own inimitable style to the fight against dog shit. He made a point of photographing every turd he encountered, building up a dossier of dog dung. He boasted that he could identify any piece of dog crap by size, breed and colour and believed that he could, given time, trace each one back to its originator. He likened his expertise in dog crap evaluation to Sherlock Holmes’ ability to identify different types of tobacco from just their ashes. “People used to think that the problem of dogs crapping on the pavement was all some big joke. But they didn’t stop to think of the health risk”, he once told a local newspaper. “Its not so funny when its your dear old Granny who has just slipped up on a huge brown Alsatian turd and dislocated her pelvis! Oh no, they soon want the culprit tracked down then!” Cacker became infamous for arriving at such jobby incidents with his telephoto lens equipped camera and asking the victim for a description of the offending turd before it was squashed with the words: “We just want the faeces ma’am”.
However, Cacker was soon to fall foul of his own colleagues when his neighbours complained about the smell coming from his flat. Upon investigation, environmental health inspectors discovered that he had been sculpting a gigantic model of his own genitalia from excreta – presumably also his own. “Quite apart from the health implications, we were worried that the weight of it could make the floor boards give way. The last thing the pensioners in the flat below would want was a huge knob of turd landing on their dining room table!”, a spokesman for the council told us. Rejecting his claims that he was a student of shock-artist Damien Hirst and had planned to have the sculpture exhibited at the Tate Gallery, the council decided to dispense with Cacker’s services. It was at this point that his obsession with celebrity kak apparently started. He became a familiar sight hanging around the toilets of fashionable London night clubs, darting into cubicles after they had been used by celebrities in the hope that not everything had been flushed away. Cacker was banned from Stringfellows after he was caught attempting to salvage a magnificent U-blocker left by ex-Take That star Gary Barlow. The question still remains – what lies at the root of this strange obsession? Rejecting the obvious Freudian explanations, Cacker himself believes that it all stems from the tales told to him by his Grandmother. From his prison cell he told us: “She lived through the dark days of the blitz and would often tell me of how crap was rationed during the war. To avoid placing strain on the beleaguered sewage system people in the East End were only allowed one a week. The rest of the time they had to make do with powdered shit – but it was no substitute for the real thing. Those stories left a lasting impression on me. They taught me just how precious solid shit is – but people just flush it away! Its criminal!” Cacker is currently undergoing a psychiatric assessment.
