Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with the case of ‘My Haunted Arse’.
Dear Reverend,
My arse is haunted! There is no simpler way of stating my problem other than to say that an evil spirit, or perhaps multiple spirits have taken up residence in my backside, causing all manner of supernatural chaos. All the hallmarks of a classic haunting are present: the nocturnal disturbances – including bizarre noises and knockings with no apparent physical cause – spectral apparitions and even disembodied voices. The biggest mystery, of course, is how it happened in the first place – houses are haunted by the spirits of those who died there, but, as far as I know, nobody has died in my arse. Certainly, no-one has expired of a heart attack while giving me one up the ‘Bourneville Boulevard’. It is, perhaps, significant that the disturbances started after I let go a particularly foul smelling and beer fuelled fart in the pub, which caused a friend to comment: ‘Jesus, that smells like something crawled up your arse and died!’.
Subsequently, all sorts of supernatural phenomena seem to have erupted from my behind. The same night as the evil smelling fart, for instance, while I was crashed out on a mate’s sofa, post pub, lying face down, my mate swore blind that he saw a ghostly figure materialise out of my behind. He described it as looking like white smoke pouring out of my arse, which then formed into a translucent humanoid figure – this then hovered above my posterior for a few seconds before moving off and vanishing into a wall! Consequently, my sheets have been blown off of my bed by what others have described as huge anal explosions so powerful that they shook the house – despite their volume and ferocity, not to mention their close proximity, the explosions failed to wake me. On other occasions, an evil laugh has been heard to emanate from my bum hole while I slept, again without waking me. More recently, the occurrences have started to manifest during my waking hours. Only the other day my stomach was suddenly gripped with pain – I rushed to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, expecting to experience ‘bumaggedon’, but instead of a torrent of hot diarrhoea, it felt as if something was trying to claw its way out my arse. Whatever it was wriggled and kicked, before finally getting itself loose and falling into the bowl – when I summoned the courage to look back at it, I was shocked to see some kind of brown homunculus trying to crawl its way out of the bowl. In a panic, I beat it with the toilet brush then flushed it away! I’m terrified that it could come back! Most recently, there have been several incidents of projectile shitting, which have got me banned from a number of local pubs.
I’m at the end of my tether with this apparent haunting of my arse and I’m hoping that you, as a man of the cloth with experience of the supernatural, can help me with this problem.
B. Hind
Bognor
The Rev Replies: A fascinating case, indeed. While I have been involved in the investigation of a number of hauntings and the consequent laying of a few ghosts, (in the purely spiritual sense, obviously), I don’t recall anything quite like this. The closest I can think of was that business of the haunted toilet cubicle in West Drayton some years ago. Of course, the identity of the spirit doing the haunting was quite obvious – a middle aged shoe salesman who had suffered a fatal coronary sitting on the toilet while being fellated by a young man. The young chap, so shocked by what had happened, fled the scene and the poor blighter who had turned up his toes wasn’t found for three days. It seems that his spirit felt that it couldn’t leave until it had ‘returned the favour’ so to speak and had given someone else the sort of ecstatic experience that had carried him off. Which resulted in several unsuspecting users of the cubicle quite a shock when they felt a pair of icy, unseen, lips fastening on their privates.
I’m left wondering, however, if your case is a true haunting. As you say, there is no evidence that anyone has ever died in your behind, although, of course it could be some kind of wandering spirit that you had the misfortune to cross paths with and which has taken up residence in your posterior. Such cases, however, are exceedingly rare. More likely, in my opinion, is that your arse is, in fact, possessed by demonic forces. It is entirely possible that you have come into contact with some kind of possessed object which has, in turn, spiritually ‘infected’ you. The fact that your possession seems centred on your behind suggest that it might have been a possessed toilet that you sat on at some point – such things are actually much more common than most people realise: you’d be surprised how often they are used as makeshift altars by devil worshippers. All of which brings us back to that haunted toilet cubicle – that was eventually exorcised by pouring several gallons of Holy water down the bowl while reading the appropriate prayers above it. I suspect that if you could identify the toilet that caused your possession, then a similar treatment could break the spell and free your bottom. Ramming a toilet brush blessed by a priest around its U-bend would also be advisable. As would smashing the bowl with sledgehammer once it has been cleansed. In the meantime, we at the Church of Jesus Christ the Latter Day Naturist could supply you with some toilet paper sprinkled with Holy water and with the Lord’s Prayer printed on each sheet – wiping with this might help keep the demonic phenomena in check. I can also bless some suppositories for you, the insertion of which should also help drive out the devil.
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).
