In what is being hailed as a decisive blow against Britain’s yob culture, a series of Anti-Social Behaviour Orders (ASBOs), have been brought against the government by various groups claiming that their lives have been made a misery for the past eight years by the loutish and thoughtless behaviour of ministers. “This is undoubtedly the most shameful catalogue of violence, harassment, intimidation and wanton destruction of property that I have ever seen,” declared District Judge Henry Widdler, as he made the ASBOs at Central London Court yesterday afternoon. “It is clear to me that this gang have deliberately created a culture of fear in their community, which they have used to make the lives of everyone they come into contact with a living hell!” The orders impose severe restrictions upon the cabinet’s behaviour, with the judge warning that any failure to comply with the orders would result in severe penalties, including heavy fines, eviction or even imprisonment. Prime Minister Tony Blair has received perhaps the most restrictive terms, having been ordered to keep both himself and his agents (including any military units) at least a hundred miles from the borders of Iran, and not to have contact with several named individuals, including US President George W Bush, US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “It is clear to me that Mr Blair is the ringleader in this campaign of terror – his constant threats left Iran quaking with fear, unable to sleep and suffering from severe hair loss,” said Judge Widdle in his summing up of the case brought against Blair by the Iranian government. “They had already witnessed the wholesale damage and vandalism which had befallen their neighbours Iraq, at the hands of this man and his cronies, and obviously felt that they had no choice but a recourse to law.” He noted that, just as was the case with Iran, the assault on Iraq had been preceded by a prolonged period of abuse and name-calling on the part of the Blair gang. “It is my sincere hope that this order will prevent a repetition of such reprehensible behaviour,” he declared. “I am also aware that Mr Blair and his gang were encouraged in this behaviour by Mr Bush and his friends. Whilst they might be outside this court’s jurisdiction, I want the defendant in this case to be in no doubt that any further contact with these bad influences will result in severe penalties!” Perhaps most humiliatingly, Mr Blair has found himself ordered to attend what amount to ‘good parenting’ classes for political leaders. “The classes are intended to instil the right sort of traditional values into politicians,” explains Tony Sumpter, who runs the classes at a South London Further Education college. “You know the kind of things – respecting the values of others, listening to advice, accepting responsibility for your actions and their consequences – the sort of good governance principles most of us take for granted!”
The Iranians have expressed relief over the outcome of their action, which also saw Foreign Secretary Jack Straw electronically tagged and banned from travelling abroad, praising Judge Widdle for his unequivocal stand against yob culture. “We thank goodness for your independent British judiciary,” said an official spokesperson. “These people were making our lives very difficult – it was getting so that we were afraid to leave our own country for some innocent insurgency! Our hand was forced when we learned of your leaders’ plans to expand your nuclear ‘power’ programmes! The thought of such hooligans having access to an enhanced nuclear capability was terrifying beyond words!” Joining Blair in ‘good governance’ classes will be Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Described by Judge Widdle as a ‘very sick man’ with an ‘insatiable lust for the vicarious pleasures provided by voyeurism’, Clarke had an ASBO brought against him by a coalition of civil rights groups, who complained that the increased surveillance powers he has granted the authorities constitute a gross invasion of the public’s privacy. In his summing up, Widdle also declared himself perplexed by the amount of surveillance of ordinary citizens authorised by Mr Clarke’s department. “Can the tapping of private calls to phone sex lines really be justified on security grounds,” he wondered. “Is it really necessary to train infrared cameras on the bedroom of a suspect as he makes love to his wife in order to further the ‘war on terror’?” As well as having to attend the ‘good governance’ classes, Mr Clarke will, under the judge’s orders, have to undergo a course of psychotherapy and is banned from owning, or having any access to, cameras, wiretaps or any other form of surveillance equipment. The groups who had applied for the ASBO against Clarke expressed their delight at Widdle’s judgement. Equally delighted were disability rights campaigners, who succeeded in bringing an ASBO against Work and Pensions minister John Hutton, forcing him to cease his vicious campaign against those claiming disability benefits. “It was appalling – he was going around throwing people out of wheelchairs and kicking their crutches away! He reckoned that he was trying to prove that they weren’t as severely disabled as they claimed and were really benefit cheats,” said a spokesperson. “I just thank God that his reign of terror is now over!” Under the terms of the ASBO, Hutton will be forced to perform community service, assisting the disabled.
There was uproar in court when it transpired that the only ASBO not granted – an attempt to have Tony Blair evicted from Number Ten on the grounds that he and his family were ‘nuisance neighbours’ – had actually been instigated by Blair gang-member Gordon Brown. “I was sick and tired of their drunken kids, his wife’s weirdo hippie friends and Tony’s constant bloody guitar playing,” claimed Brown, denying that his application for an ASBO was an attempt to further his own Prime Ministerial ambitions. Reaction to the ASBOs from the Blair gang were predictably hostile. “This is bloody ridiculous,” declared Blair outside the court. “Everybody knows that ASBOs were never intended to be used against people like us! They were designed as a way for middle class people to legally harass the working classes, gypsies and foreigners!” Meanwhile, new Conservative party leader David Cameron moved swiftly to try and capitalise on the situation. “It is ironic that a Prime Minister who flouted international law to go to war with Iraq, and who then told Britain’s youth he expected more respect for the law from them should, himself, now be successfully prosecuted under the very laws he brought in to persecute them,” he declared. “It is this government’s own disregard for the law and lack of respect which has been setting the bad example followed by our youth!” However, Cameron’s gloating was cut short when it emerged that he himself was the subject of an ASBO brought by the youth council of Britain, calling for him to be banned from approaching, speaking to or in any other way communicating with, anyone under the age of twenty five. “We’re sick and tired of him harassing Britain’s youth,” said a spokesperson for the Council. “Many young people have suffered severe trauma and embarrassment as a result of him attempting to establish his ‘hip’ and ‘trendy’ credentials by ‘getting down with the kids’. We’re also asking that he be banned from attempting to discuss modern music, rap or breakdance – it is just too cringe-making!”