Is former US President Bill Clinton actually a porn-powered alien robot? This is the shocking allegation being made by Roger Humbert, lobbyist, media commentator and founder of the ‘Think Right Information Centre’, a conservative think-tank. “We have incontrovertible proof that the individual known as Bill Clinton is in fact a biomechanical organism constructed by NASA, the Walt Disney Corporation and the CIA using extraterrestrial technology obtained by the US Air Force,” he asserts. “The purpose of this infernal mechanism was to lay the groundwork for the development of the ‘Pornatron’, ostensibly an alien device designed to provide the US with cheap energy by converting sexual activity into electrical power. In reality, it was simply a plot to subvert the morals of this great country by legitimising the spread of pornography and wanton fornication!” According to Humbert, the Clinton robot – or ‘pornbot’, as he prefers to call it – was itself proof of the viability of this new energy technology, being powered by its own Pornatron. “Why else would a supposedly educated man from a God-fearing state like Arkansas, who had achieved the highest office in this fine land, have had such an obsession with sex?” he asks. “The fact is that the pornbot had to have frequent downloads of the most unspeakable filth to ensure that it could devise ever more vigourous – not to mention perverted – sexual techniques to excite its various paramours in order to generate sufficient energy to keep itself functioning!” Most of Humbert’s alleged evidence originates with British computer hacker and UFO enthusiast Norbert Twicker, who is currently awaiting trial for breaking into several secret US databanks. “I originally infiltrated NASA‘s computer systems in search of evidence that the US government had been in contact with aliens,” explains Twicker, who was shocked at what he came across whilst searching for pictures of cigar-shaped objects. “Instead of alien spaceships, I found a whole file of images showing Bill Clinton plugging his penis into the USB port of a White House computer!” The shocking images were part of a highly classified file labelled ‘Project Pornucopia’, stored on a secure server at NASA’s Mission Control in Houston, Texas. Further exploration of the file revealed more images of the former President’s mighty organ, this time in close-up. “These clearly showed that it was actually some kind of extendable probe! In close up you can see that it is clearly mechanical,” he enthuses. “There were several pictures of it being serviced by two female technicians – you can see the lubricating fluid pouring out of the end as one peels back the artificial foreskin to reveal its head. You can tell it is very heavy by the fact that the other technician has to use both hands to hold it up!”
Astounded by what he’d seen, Twicker decided to search for further references to Project Pornucopia on the US government’s secure IT systems. “I was amazed at what I found in the National Security Agency’s (NSA) image files – millions upon millions of gigabytes of pornography!” It wasn’t just the sheer quantity of the pornography he found which surprised Twicker, but also its variety. “I only saw a small proportion of it, obviously, but it seemed to cover everything,” he claims, “S & M, girl-on-girl action, machines, bondage, animals – the whole damn lot. The NSA had clearly been monitoring and downloading pornography from all over the globe!” Sadly, Twicker neglected to print out or download any of the images he had stumbled across, leading many commentators to dismiss his story as merely the desperate rantings of a madman. However, Humbert is adamant that Twicker’s testimony is proof positive of a massive conspiracy by an unholy alliance of liberals and aliens. “Of course his story is true – why on Earth would anybody make up something like that?” he opines, contending that Twicker’s claims are supported by a wealth of circumstantial evidence. “The Information Centre has looked closely into Clinton’s background and the fact is that before his re-election as Arkansas Governor in ’82, he had no reputation as a ‘ladies man’. In fact, according the sworn testimony of several women of his acquainted with him at that time, his sexual performance was described as ‘average, at best’ and his penis as being ‘disappointingly average’. Yet we have literally hundreds of women from 1982 onwards swearing that he was a ‘sex machine’ and ‘fabulously endowed’! It is quite obvious that somewhen around this time the real Bill Clinton was replaced by a pornbot!” He also notes that the liberal Clinton administration presided over an explosion of porn and other sex-related industries in the US. “It is a fact that before 1992 only three porn movies had ever been made in the US – Deep Throat, The Opening of Misty Beethoven and The Devil in Miss Jones – where did all this other filth spring from? I’ll tell you where: the government! The CIA was covertly financing the porn industry throughout the 1990s, so as to provide the ‘fuel’ for their Pornatrons,” he rants. “And it is no coincidence that the internet – that cesspool designed solely to deliver sex directly into children’s minds and accredited to Al Gore – began its cancerous spread into America’s homes around the same time!”
Incredibly, a man claiming to be a former US Air Force technician has now stepped forward to verify Humbert’s claims. “The plan was to put a miniature Pornatron in every home in America – they were small enough to be fitted inside TV sets – it would have freed us from dependence on imported oil and eliminated the need for nuclear power,” explains Lance Quimstake, who allegedly worked at the top secret Air Force base in Nevada where Project Pornucopia was supposedly based. “An added bonus was that the US’s emissions of greenhouse gases would also have been drastically reduced – all the plan required was for the US population to be ‘sexed up’ prior to implementation!” In order to meet the country’s energy needs, it was estimated that the average US citizen would have to increase their sexual activity threefold. “It didn’t matter what kind of sexual activity it was – just whacking off over a jazz mag would have produced enough power to light an entire house for two days,” says Quimstake. “The entire project was derailed once Bush and his crazy Christian fundamentalist supporters got in power. I knew we should have replaced Gore with a pornbot as well – all that sexual magnetism generated as a side-effect by a Pornatron would have guaranteed him a landslide!” As far as Humbert is concerned, Bush’s cancellation of Project Pornucopia represents a moral salvation for the US. “I’d rather be paying ten dollars a gallon for gas and be choking on polluted air than be living in a, quite literally, sex-fuelled moral cess-pool,” he declares. “What these liberals don’t tell you is exactly what price they had to pay the aliens for this technology – the US was to become one giant peepshow for intergalactic voyeurs! The Pornatron was a transmitter as well as a power source! Our love-making was to have been masturbated over by billions of slimy green space sinners with multiple penises!” The US government has refused to confirm the existence of Project Pornucopia, although they have denied that anyone called Lance Quimstake has ever been employed by the Air Force. However, according to the Internet Movie Database, an actor of this name had appeared in a 1991 science fiction porn flick entitled Area 69, in which giant alien vibrators are salvaged from a crashed flying saucer.