A British TV network has come under fire for allegedly moving downmarket in a desperate attempt to attract viewers. Protests against embattled Channel Six – dubbed “Channel Sex” by its critics” – culminated with its Soho offices being stormed by a group of hard-line puritans wielding flaming torches. The puritan League of Public Decency, a militant off-shoot of Mary Whitehouse’s National Viewers and Listeners Association, have long been critical of the station’s late night programming, which has, since its inception, been dominated by lowbrow features focussing on sex and nudity and screenings of classic porn films such as Rear Entry, Hockey Girls’ Holiday,Skullbuggery, Convoy Cock and The Erotic Adventures of Dickman and Throbbin. However, the League’s Chairman, Ezekial Deacon, claims that Channel Six has now started filing its prime time schedules with “filth and degradation” in a shameless attempt to win viewers. Recent pre-watershed fare from Channel six has included Touch My Todger, a game show in which fifty contestants cling onto host Dale Winton’s knob – whoever hangs on longest wins a night with Dale.

Another popular addition to the schedules has been Porn Stars, in which over a hundred prospective adult movie performers are put through a series of gruelling auditions, with the eventual winner being given the chance to star in a specially commissioned Channel six erotic drama. The contestants are rated by a an expert panel of judges – which includes veteran porn actor Biff Gloy of Kiss My Whip fame – on various aspects of their performance, including screaming ability (both length and loudness), convincing simulation of orgasms and endurance. In later rounds contestants found their ability to withstand pain and discomfort tested as they were subjected to various S&M scenarios. Imaginative use of both specialised sex toys and ordinary household objects was another quality sought by the judges. A new documentary series, World’s Ten Deadliest Trouser Snakes, promises to be a highlight of Channel Six’s autumn season. In this three parter fearless Australian naturalist Steve Irwin braves a multitude of male strip joints, gyms, gay bars, body building contests and rugby locker rooms in order to track down what are reputed the globe’s biggest, fastest and most active todgers. According to official press releases Steve faces real danger: “In one episode he narrowly avoids blindness after one particularly venomous specimen spits in his face after he pokes it with a stick” .

“Its an affront to human decency”, bellows Deacon, who, last year, called upon the Government to ban bananas and cucumbers due to their obvious phallic symbology. “Thanks to these degenerates, it is now possible for children to see erect penises and copulation – both homosexual and heterosexual – before the watershed!” However, Channel Six Director of Programmes Jack Gagger has robustly defended his station’s output. “We have a clear remit to provide – free to air – the kind of lowest common denominator pap that viewers would normally be forced to pay to see on satellite and cable channels”, he proudly told The Sleaze. “In other words, we cater primarily for that section of the viewing public who ordinarily watch TV with their trousers around their ankles”.

Gagger has also claimed that his channel’s programming has an educational value. “There’s no doubt that our programmes help to break down prejudice and dispel popular stereotypes”, he recently stated. “Take Porn Stars, for instance. Before that aired most people thought that male porn actors were all chisel-jawed, mullett-wearing guys with droopy moustaches, six-packs and three-foot long penises. Well, one of our final ten, Darius, was a weedy guy with a goatee beard, a greasy ponytail and a below average sized penis – that’s the sort of thing which gives hope to all those ordinary guys out there; its not size, but ability that matters!”. Such pronouncements cut little ice with Deacon and the League of Public Decency – they fear that Britain’s youth will be corrupted by what they see on screen. “Our research conclusively shows that there has been a 75.2% increase in masturbation amongst 14-18 year old boys since Channel Six commenced this disgraceful programming”, asserts Deacon who, some readers may recall, once campaigned for the banning of peaches on the grounds that they resembled children’s arses and therefore encouraged peadophilia. “Our figures show that young boys are abusing themselves more frequently and for longer – with their sinful activity peaking during Channel Six’s prime time schedule”. The League also claims to have evidence that, as a result of watching up to eight hours of Channel Six a day, one young Southsea man became so disturbed that he took to exposing himself to young women – a television remote control taped to his penis. “As he masturbated in front of the horrified women, he loving fingered the remote’s buttons, especially button number six”, claims a spokesman.

Interestingly, although implacably opposed to Channel Six’s output, Deacon has not actually seen any of it himself, relying upon reports from other League members, as he refuses to have a television in his house, describing it as the “Devil’s Instrument”. He also refuses to have armchairs in his house, claiming that they are obviously modelled on a woman’s vagina. Deacon and several of his acolytes are currently on police bail following their assault on the Channel Six headquarters. Whilst the angry mob of puritans succeeded in tarring and feathering Head of Drama Maggie Blower, police prevented them from lynching Commissioning Editor Hector Haymarket from a nearby lamppost, and the controversial station remains on air. Indeed, despite being forced to flee across neighbouring rooftops after escaping through a seventh floor window when the puritans stormed his offices, Programme Director Jack Gagger remains defiant, announcing Channel Six’s autumn schedules.

These will include a new drama series based on Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic stories, The Gay Bondage Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, starring singing duo Robson and Jerome as Holmes and Watson respectively. Apparently, it will portray Sherlock Holmes as a tortured genius unable to face up to his bisexuality, and will feature a bizarre menage a trois comprised of Holmes, Moriarty and Mrs Hudson. When the Baker Street sleuth finally rejects Moriarty, the dastardly professor responds by trying to blackmail him with photos he has illicitly taken, showing Holmes in bed with Dr Watson’s wife. In a novel twist, Watson, in a fit of rage, murders his unfaithful wife before confronting Holmes on the Reichenbach falls. “I think you’ll agree that this classic literary adaptation will answer our critics and confirm our commitment to quality programming”, says Gagger.