The prospect of a Vatican crackdown on sexual abuse by Catholic priests has caused consternation in the sexual deviancy community. “This is an appalling prospect,” opines Neville Gropewind, Secretary of the British Deviancy Association. “How on earth are our members supposed to gain experience and earn a living if they are to be barred from the priesthood?” The spectre of a purge of perverts from the ranks of Roman Catholicism has arisen following a meeting between Irish Bishops and the Pope to discuss a report on historical child abuse by Irish priests and nuns. “This is nothing short of a betrayal on the part of the Vatican – it’s always been accepted that our members existed within the priesthood in a ‘State of Disgrace’. As long as they stuck to the doctrine and didn’t preach anything heretical or, worse, have sex with grown men or women, the church hierarchy turned a blind eye,” declares Gropewind. “I mean, it was absolutely perfect – a position of trust where you’d be above suspicion, lots of legitimate contact with the young and vulnerable and, best of all, the guarantee of a cover-up if things went pear-shaped! All you had to do was confess your supposed sins and say a few Hail Marys and you were away. The worst that could happen was that you’d be quietly shunted of to some remote parish in Wales, which is marginally preferable to jail.” With the introduction of more stringent criminal record checks, other traditional career paths for perverts and paedophiles – such as teaching and child care – have long since become unviable. “That was the beauty of the priesthood- they’d ordain anybody, no questions asked. All you had to do was say you believed in God, Mary was a virgin and that you didn’t want to get married,” he explains. “It’s getting to the stage where the only suitable jobs still open to us will be running ice cream vans or Punch and Judy shows.” According to Gropewind, other religions are simply not repressive enough to act as effectively as Roman Catholicism has as a breeding ground for sexual perversion. “They’re all too liberal these days. They just don’t care what their ministers get up to,” he claims. “Look at the Church of England – nowadays they even ordain homosexuals! Deviancy just isn’t exciting if you can indulge in it openly – part of the thrill lies in the furtiveness you usually have to resort to! That’s why you need something as repressive and unenlightened as the Catholic church!” However, the Catholic church has tried to allay the fears of perverts. “Let’s be clear, it is only the kiddie fiddlers we’re talkin’ about bannin’ – and the homos, obviously,” points out Brendan O’Fugh, Catholic Bishop of Skibbereen. “We’ll still be catering for all manner of other perversions – the Opus Dei, for instance, will still be offering flagellation, whilst most orders of nuns will still provide a full range of furtive masturbatory techniques.”

However, not all of Britain’s pervert community are backing Gropewind, claiming that his organisation is not representative of mainstream deviancy. “The British Deviancy Association is just a cover organisation for paedophiles,” says Sidney Hardwood, of the rival Federation of UK Perverts, which claims to have over twenty thousand members, compared to the Association’s three thousand, and is concerned that Gropewind and his organisation are giving the British public a highly misleading impression of sexual deviants. “The fact is that the majority of sexual deviants are consenting adults who indulge their perversions in private. Well, except for the flashers, maybe. And the blokes who steal underwear from washing lines. But they’re the exception. Along with the gropers and bottom-pinchers, of course.” Hardwood feels that British Deviancy association’s stance on the purging of paedophiles from the Catholic priesthood will be counter-productive to the cause of the UK’s perverts. “We’ve spent years making deviancy socially acceptable – look at the way fetishism features in fashion nowadays, and the frequent and open use of bondage imagery in the media, for instance,” he explains. “We’ve finally reached the stage where it’s acceptable to admit to liking a bit of bare-bottomed consensual spanking at middle class dinner parties, and then this bloody lot come along trying to defend child-fondling priests! It will set us back to the dark ages!” Nevertheless, Gropewind remains determined to pursue his campaign. “It’s the likes of the Federation which are setting us back – by trying to turn deviancy mainstream they’re undermining the very things which make it most desirable: the secrecy and sense of shame,” he laments. “If we stop producing perverts the traditional way, then we’ll be in danger of losing an essential piece of the fabric of British society – where would the tabloids be without tales of twisted sexual relations to titillate their readers? And what would those mobs of angry people on council estates be shouting about if they didn’t have paedophiles and other perverts to shout and scream at? They’d probably be attacking racial minorities, instead.”

Indeed, so worried at the social consequences of the decline of the traditional pervert is Gropewind, that he is calling upon the government to set up special training programmes for deviants. “I’m afraid we really have little sympathy for these so-called ‘traditional perverts’, they simply want to cling to outmoded practices and refuse to modernise,” says Jim Knackers, the government’s Minister for Education and Training. “The reality is that the majority of deviants have already embraced new technology, such as the internet, to satiate their needs. Modern techno-perversion is the way ahead and an industry in which this country already leads the world. Not only it is far more convenient for the participants – thanks to the advent of webcams neither victims nor perpetrators need leave the comfort of their own homes – but British perverts can now reach a global audience!” Knackers believes that the traditional means of nurturing perverts on an ad hoc basis through such things as public schools, military training camps and repressive religious orders, needs to be swept away. “This is the twenty first century, for goodness’ sake! We need to replace these archaic practices with rigorous and properly administered training schemes,” he declared, whilst attending the launch of a new mobile phone service which will allow flashers to legally send pictures of their genitalia to registered victims’ phones. “We’re proposing that from the age of five children should be given proper sex education lessons in which they are taught the fundamentals of all aspects of sexuality. This way, we’ll be able to identify the potential deviants early on and help them fully develop their skills, so that by the time they reach school leaving age they’ll be fully proficient and certificated, not just in their chosen perversion, but also in the technical means to most efficiently disseminate it to the world! We want to ensure that it is British perverts running the web’s most profitable fetish sites!”