Category: Crime

Evil Dead

Were police sent to guard the mortuary holding ‘Moors Murderer’ Ian Brady’s body due to fears that an attempt would be made to resurrect him? Tabloids accused of exploiting dead killer’s notoriety for circulation with bizarre stories of body snatching and return from the grave.

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Victims of Fame

Does fame obsessed media treat victims of non-celebrity sex offenders as ‘second class’? Victims’ group demands equal access to celebrity sex offenders for working class kids, to ensure high profile and potentially lucrative reporting of their stories.

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Wheels of Terror

Was Westminster terror attacker radicalised by watching Top Gear? Incredible claims that attacker who used car as weapon actually militant motorist dedicated to taking back the streets for drivers. TV producers deny anti road safety agenda of motoring shows inspire automotive terrorism.

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Virtual Jihadi

Parents shocked as second hand video game turns out to be Jihadi suicide bomber simulator. Warnings that charity shops could be flooded with used virtual terrorism games simulating JIhadist attacks.

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Zombie Justice

Should convicted criminals who die before they’ve completed their sentences be brought back from the grave to finish their punishment? Newspaper suggests voodoo be employed to bring back as zombies offenders attempting to cheat justice through death.

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Slay Ride

Major UK Terror Alert After Hijacked Santa’s Sleigh Crashes into Shoppers at German Market. Was Driver Part of Group Trying to Drive Out European Xmas Traditions in Favour of British Yule-tide Celebrations?

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Throw a Brick at the Homeless

Is Right Wing News Site’s Xmas Appeal Encouraging Followers to Throw Bricks at Homeless? Editor Claims he’s Merely Trying to Provide Rough Sleepers with Means to Build Own Homes.

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Winds of Terror

Police Accused of Overreacting After Massive Evil-Smelling Fart Sparks London Terror Alert. Flatulence Subsequently Deemed ‘Spontaneous’ Rather than Being Deliberate Chemical Attack.

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Black on Black

Sheriff’s Deputies in US South ordered to black up in order to avoid being targeted by black snipers. Local Sheriff also believes wearing of black face by white officers will also take racial element out of police brutality.

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Radical Secrets

Secret Terror Trial Reveals British Muslim Youths Radicalised by Mad Mullah’s ‘Radicalisation Booth’. Unsuspecting Islamic men Lured into Fiendish Device and Transformed into Crazed Jihadis!

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Code Brown

Jihadist group ISIS have claimed responsibility for the huge turd which recently brought Brussels to a standstill. Belgian authorities declare ‘Code Brown’ as Jihadist ‘Shit to Kill’ tactics hit Metro.

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The Thrill Seekers

Inspired by Calais refugees, thrill seeking British tourists walking through Channel Tunnel for holidays in France! New craze sees jaded UK tourists sailing to Greek resorts on refugee rafts!

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Winds of Change

Britons to be Banned from Sniffing Own Farts under new Legislation Cracking Down on Legal Highs. Warnings From Experts that Low Quality Imported Farts Could be Responsible for Serious Illnesses and even Deaths Among Fart Sniffing Clubbers.

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Bad Memories

Has Trauma of Sex Crimes Committed by Seventies TV Personalities Driven Their Former Fans to Crime? Defendants in Series of Violent Crimes Blame Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile for Tainting Their Childhood Memories!

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Collateral Damage

Did Combat Trauma Cause Ex-Soldier’s Deadly Gun Attack on Neighbours’ Guy Fawkes Party ? Claims Fireworks Caused Flashback to Afghanistan. Did Supernatural Trauma Cause Drunk’s Attack on Trick or Treaters? Claims Costumes Caused Flashback to Transylvania Monster Attack.

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