Category: Crime

Sex Offensive

Top therapist claims revolutionary treatment of sex addicts through use of sex bots. Technological ‘sex offensive’ will allegedly cure offenders by turning them into victims.

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Stiff Shifters

New Uber-like app Stiff Shifters offering to provide customers with hearse within fifteen minutes for cut price funeral services under fire from users. Mourners claim ‘hearses’ have included ice cream vans and coffins carried on roof racks.

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Terrorist Tourism

Are tourists turning terrorist? Incredible claims that disgruntled foreign visitors hitting back at cities calling for curbs on tourism with suicide bombings. Secret terror travel agencies offering ‘all inclusive’ terror breaks.

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I Let My House to a Serial Killer

‘I let my house to a serial killer!’ complains Airbnb customer. Users of Airbnb and similar services share tales of how their properties were used as porn movie sets and temporary brothels!

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Evil Dead

Were police sent to guard the mortuary holding ‘Moors Murderer’ Ian Brady’s body due to fears that an attempt would be made to resurrect him? Tabloids accused of exploiting dead killer’s notoriety for circulation with bizarre stories of body snatching and return from the grave.

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Victims of Fame

Does fame obsessed media treat victims of non-celebrity sex offenders as ‘second class’? Victims’ group demands equal access to celebrity sex offenders for working class kids, to ensure high profile and potentially lucrative reporting of their stories.

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Wheels of Terror

Was Westminster terror attacker radicalised by watching Top Gear? Incredible claims that attacker who used car as weapon actually militant motorist dedicated to taking back the streets for drivers. TV producers deny anti road safety agenda of motoring shows inspire automotive terrorism.

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Virtual Jihadi

Parents shocked as second hand video game turns out to be Jihadi suicide bomber simulator. Warnings that charity shops could be flooded with used virtual terrorism games simulating JIhadist attacks.

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Zombie Justice

Should convicted criminals who die before they’ve completed their sentences be brought back from the grave to finish their punishment? Newspaper suggests voodoo be employed to bring back as zombies offenders attempting to cheat justice through death.

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Slay Ride

Major UK Terror Alert After Hijacked Santa’s Sleigh Crashes into Shoppers at German Market. Was Driver Part of Group Trying to Drive Out European Xmas Traditions in Favour of British Yule-tide Celebrations?

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Throw a Brick at the Homeless

Is Right Wing News Site’s Xmas Appeal Encouraging Followers to Throw Bricks at Homeless? Editor Claims he’s Merely Trying to Provide Rough Sleepers with Means to Build Own Homes.

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Winds of Terror

Police Accused of Overreacting After Massive Evil-Smelling Fart Sparks London Terror Alert. Flatulence Subsequently Deemed ‘Spontaneous’ Rather than Being Deliberate Chemical Attack.

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Black on Black

Sheriff’s Deputies in US South ordered to black up in order to avoid being targeted by black snipers. Local Sheriff also believes wearing of black face by white officers will also take racial element out of police brutality.

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Radical Secrets

Secret Terror Trial Reveals British Muslim Youths Radicalised by Mad Mullah’s ‘Radicalisation Booth’. Unsuspecting Islamic men Lured into Fiendish Device and Transformed into Crazed Jihadis!

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Code Brown

Jihadist group ISIS have claimed responsibility for the huge turd which recently brought Brussels to a standstill. Belgian authorities declare ‘Code Brown’ as Jihadist ‘Shit to Kill’ tactics hit Metro.

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The Thrill Seekers

Inspired by Calais refugees, thrill seeking British tourists walking through Channel Tunnel for holidays in France! New craze sees jaded UK tourists sailing to Greek resorts on refugee rafts!

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