Police raid on chain of budget undertakers reveal alleged running corpses-for-hire racket. Were dead bodies being rented out to fill out sparse crowds at football matches, concerts and Tory party meetings? Anti-immigration political candidate claims some bodies skinned to provide ‘suits’ for illegals to pass for white!
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A series a child disappearances from Santa’s grottos all over UK raises fears of seasonal peadophile ring operating in shopping centres. Others speculate Santa kidnapping kids to break North Pole elf strike. Top folklorist fears the abductions are the work of the sinister Cult of Santa in furtherance of its aim to resurrect the one true Santa.
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Is institutionalised racism, prejudice and misogyny in Metropolitan Police actually an official policy? Government denies claims from right-wing think tank that police tasked with creating ‘Hostile Environment’ on streets of London for women and ethnic minorities, on pretext that their presence encourages sex and hate crimes.
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Was recent mauling to death of dog walker by her charges first salvo in canine war on humanity? Spate of dog killings across UK as expert urges pre-emptive retaliation against man’s so called ‘best friend’ before he rips your throat out. Claims dogs conspiring to turn the tables and make their masters the pets.
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Is a sinister secret organisation creating fake childhood traumas for celebrities? Claims that tales of childhood abuse, violence and bullying splashed across tabloid front pages are actually carefully fabricated lies designed to gain celebrities publicity and public sympathy.
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Desperate to avoid queues at ports, British holidaymakers resort to buying boats from refugees newly arrived in Kent in order to cross illegally to France. Asylum seekers complain of consequent lack of boats for them, while some Brits find themselves on flights to Rwanda as they try to return from holiday same way as they left.
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Is Metropolitan Police institutionally racist and sexist? Controversial former senior cop feels criticisms of out-going Commissioner Cressida Dick unfounded and claims most so-called racism and misogyny within force result of misunderstood training techniques designed to ‘toughen up’ black and female officers.
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Have ‘True Crime’ podcasters run out of crimes to investigate? Wrongful conviction in unsolved murder case exposes how popular podcasters made up evidence to gain popularity. Allegations that other podcasters actually committed the bizarre crimes they ‘investigated’ and framed innocent people in order to create ‘solution’.
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Are arsonists the forgotten victims of Britain’s petrol panic buying crisis? Expert claims lack of petrol supplies causing significant reduction in deliberate fires – costing professional arsonists thousands in fees. As arsonists turn to alternative accelarants, fears that shortages of meths will cause anguish for down and outs.
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Right-wing political candidate advocates making punishment fit the crime – burn arsonists, kill murderers, bugger rapists and feed dangerous dogs to lions. Contends that crime is defined by class of perpetrators – the actions of the socially superior can never be criminal.
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Welsh Nationalists demand return of Stonehenge after new archaeological study claims monument originally erected in Wales. Allege that stone circle was illegally removed to England in act of cultural appropriation and rebuilt without planning permission. English historians rubbish Welsh theories.
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Are Black Lives Matter protesters really the main threat facing our statues? Journalist claims statues actually at threat from shady right-wing statue shaggers seeking surrogate sex with their idols. Cult uncovered after abducted effigy of Churchill crashes through neighbour’s ceiling during pervert’s stone sex session.
Read MoreGovernment Sex Detector vans target on those suspected of having non-lockdown approved sex. Intercourse between non co-habiting couples leads to arrests as civil liberties campaigners complain that authorities encouraging snooping and voyearism to enforce ‘sex ban’.
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Top crime figures demand government lift lockdown to facilitate their members. Robberies, burglaries and street crimes at a standstill due to anti-Covid measures. Crime unions claim fewer people at home and more potential victims on the streets needed to kickstart UK crime.
Read MoreSmall communities fearing panic buying bands of brigands might fall upon their local shops recruit mercenaries to protect their villages. Devon pensioners engage ‘Magnificent Seven’, while others employ mercenaries to to clear bandits threatening OAP supermarket shopping hours.
Read MoreSanta’s memoirs threaten to reveal salacious details of celebrities caught in flagrante delicto as he came down their chimneys. Legal action threatened as details of Peeping Santa’s activities made public.
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