Category: Crime

Virtual Jihadi

Parents shocked as second hand video game turns out to be Jihadi suicide bomber simulator. Warnings that charity shops could be flooded with used virtual terrorism games simulating JIhadist attacks.

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Zombie Justice

Should convicted criminals who die before they’ve completed their sentences be brought back from the grave to finish their punishment? Newspaper suggests voodoo be employed to bring back as zombies offenders attempting to cheat justice through death.

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Slay Ride

Major UK Terror Alert After Hijacked Santa’s Sleigh Crashes into Shoppers at German Market. Was Driver Part of Group Trying to Drive Out European Xmas Traditions in Favour of British Yule-tide Celebrations?

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Throw a Brick at the Homeless

Is Right Wing News Site’s Xmas Appeal Encouraging Followers to Throw Bricks at Homeless? Editor Claims he’s Merely Trying to Provide Rough Sleepers with Means to Build Own Homes.

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Winds of Terror

Police Accused of Overreacting After Massive Evil-Smelling Fart Sparks London Terror Alert. Flatulence Subsequently Deemed ‘Spontaneous’ Rather than Being Deliberate Chemical Attack.

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Black on Black

Sheriff’s Deputies in US South ordered to black up in order to avoid being targeted by black snipers. Local Sheriff also believes wearing of black face by white officers will also take racial element out of police brutality.

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Radical Secrets

Secret Terror Trial Reveals British Muslim Youths Radicalised by Mad Mullah’s ‘Radicalisation Booth’. Unsuspecting Islamic men Lured into Fiendish Device and Transformed into Crazed Jihadis!

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Code Brown

Jihadist group ISIS have claimed responsibility for the huge turd which recently brought Brussels to a standstill. Belgian authorities declare ‘Code Brown’ as Jihadist ‘Shit to Kill’ tactics hit Metro.

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The Thrill Seekers

Inspired by Calais refugees, thrill seeking British tourists walking through Channel Tunnel for holidays in France! New craze sees jaded UK tourists sailing to Greek resorts on refugee rafts!

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Winds of Change

Britons to be Banned from Sniffing Own Farts under new Legislation Cracking Down on Legal Highs. Warnings From Experts that Low Quality Imported Farts Could be Responsible for Serious Illnesses and even Deaths Among Fart Sniffing Clubbers.

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Bad Memories

Has Trauma of Sex Crimes Committed by Seventies TV Personalities Driven Their Former Fans to Crime? Defendants in Series of Violent Crimes Blame Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile for Tainting Their Childhood Memories!

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Collateral Damage

Did Combat Trauma Cause Ex-Soldier’s Deadly Gun Attack on Neighbours’ Guy Fawkes Party ? Claims Fireworks Caused Flashback to Afghanistan. Did Supernatural Trauma Cause Drunk’s Attack on Trick or Treaters? Claims Costumes Caused Flashback to Transylvania Monster Attack.

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Who Gropes the Gropers?

Alleged Celebrity Sex Offenders Publicly and Brutally Groped by Sinister Black-Clad Figure! Uber-Pervert, Vigilante or Officially Sanctioned Avenger? Mystery Surrounds Identity and Intent of the Groper in Black!

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Wage Slaves

Police Raids on Branches of Tesco, Primark and Poundland Uncovers Modern Day Slavery. Top Cop Claims Net Closing on Shadowy ‘Workfare’ Organisation Behind Slave Ring!

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Love and War

Have uniform dating websites been infiltrated by jihadist terrorists? Fears are growing that UK-based Muslim fundamentalists have opened up a new front in their war against the West by using online dating services to target UK military personnel!

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Nude Man Rises

Is a naked superhero cleaning up streets of Lewisham? Mayor and police in London Borough dismiss reports of Nude Man rescuing old ladies and shoppers from predatory beggars and charity collectors as hoax!

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