Is it just me, or do my Islamic neigbours have no sense of humour? I thought that it would be in the spirit of bonfire night to burn an effigy of Osama bin Laden. However, the family next door took this and my Guy Fawkes night party’s drunken bit of fun of burning the flag of Islam (they burn our flag in Pakistan), as a personal insult. The very next night they responded by burning a six foot tall model of the World Trade Towers. Consequently, I used the lastof my fireworks to launch a strike on his plant pots – he hurled a burning plastic 747 aircraft through my front window! I dressed up as an SAS man and blew up his satellite dish, he responded by shoving packets of white powder through my letterbox. What else could I do but tell the authorities that he keeps shady contacts with Finsbury Park mosque and has an AK47 in his cab? His brother Aseem has told me that when he gets out of jail, he is going to kill me. Get a sense of humour, I say.
N Griffen, Wales
Doc Sleaze Replies:
I couldn’t agree more. If these people want to come and live in our country then they are just going to have to live by our rules and respect our quirky, dark and ironic sense of humour! Mind you, the police in this country can be just as bad. The other week a mate of mine thought that he was going to miss his flight to New York due to a late running train. So, in a flash of inspiration, he phoned the airport on his mobile, put on a fake Arab accent and claimed that there was a bomb on board his flight! Sure enough, when he finally arrived at Heathrow, the flight still hadn’t boarded due to the ensuing security alert. However, the authorities had traced the call to his mobile and he was arrested by armed police and humiliatingly strip searched. He is currently on remand in Wormwood Scrubs awaiting trial under the new Terrorism Act. Is it just me, or have the police become just too PC? Have any other readers got any hilarious culture-clash japes to share with us?
Cold Hands, Hot Cock?
Your archive article From Behind certainly brought back memories for me. Whilst I have never been unfortunate enough to have been a victim of the phantom buggering syndrome you describe, I did once experience a peculiar and not dissimilar phenomenon. Many years ago, whilst at public school, I awoke in the night to feel myself being wanked off under the bedclothes, although both of my own hands were clearly visible above the sheets. I immediately threw back the blankets to reveal nothing but my erect penis! There was no sign of my sexual assailant. The next morning, I made enquiries of the other boys in the dormitory, but all denied having nocturnally pulled my plonker as a prank. Interestingly, the fingers I felt around my father confessor were icy cold – I believe that many victims of phantom buggerings have described any icy cold penis being thrust into them. Are the two phenomena connected, I wonder?
Herbert Cock, West Drayton
Doc Sleaze Replies:
Expert opinion is still divided as to the cause of phantom buggering syndrome, with many believing it to be a purely psychological phenomena, whilst others attribute it to supernatural forces. Frankly, my money is still on the culprits being bands of wandering illegal Turkish immigrants. The proof is there for all to see – in the original Turkish version of Holly Vallence’s number one hit ‘Kiss Kiss’, the singer, Tarquin, can quite clearly be heard to cry ‘Arses! Arses!’ at one point. Clearly, these people are insatiable in their lust for buggery! They must be stopped!
I was fascinated to read some of your recent articles on paranormal activity and alien abductions. I myself had a strange experience a couple of years ago when I awoke to find two tall thin aliens standing over my bed. The next thing I knew I was aboard their spaceship undergoing bizarre experiments. After taking samples of my pubic hair and attaching electrodes to my nipples, they subjected me to a very painful rectal probe. Imagine my relief when I awoke from this nightmare to find that I was being buggered by an amourous, but very human, nocturnal intruder. I firmly believe that all so-called unexplained phenomena have simple rational explanations such as this.
Sqaudron Leader John Pelmet (Ret’d)
Doc Sleaze Replies:
I wholeheartedly agree with you. Personally, I find that eating cheese before I go to bed can induce strange hallucinations. Although, unlike being buggered by nocturnal intruders, it tends not to result in excessive bleeding from the rectum. The solution is probably to sleep on your stomach (and ensure that all your doors and windows are securely locked).
Our Brave Boys
I was so glad to hear Her Majesty telling us in her Christmas Message that we should pay homage to the sheer professionalism of Britain’s armed forces in the recent Gulf conflict, even if we didn’t agree with the invasion of Iraq itself. I applaud such sentiments and believe they should be extended to other unpopular conflicts. I for one should like to contragulate the SS guards at Germany’s concentration camps during World War Two for their professionalism. Not once did they shirk from carrying out their duties. It couldn’t have been easy, having to witness all those women and children starving to death in appaling living conditions. But did those SS guards give in to the temptation to give them extra rations, or even free them? They did not! Quite rightly they followed their orders to the letter and – deaf to pleas for mercy – ensured that every last one of them went to the gas chambers. Thank God for the professionalism of our brave boys!
Sturmbanfuerher Kurt von Krutchwarmer, SS (Ret’d)
Doc Sleaze Replies:
Yes indeed, wouldn’t it be a terrible shame if ‘our’ boys were subjected to the same shameful treatment as the SS – war crimes trials and universal condemnation. I quite agree that if you are going to violate international law and infringe people’s basic human rights, you should at least go about it in a professional manner.
I must say that it is a pleasure that the Hutton enquiry has seen great figures leap to the defence of Mr Blair, but imagine my joy when that old favourite from the world of defending the realm, John Scarlet, gave his evidence. It is nice to know that he has done so well since his days with Spectrum – how we marvelled at his dealing with the Mysteron attacks! And let us not forget that he is a man that cannot be threatened or intimidated (except by electricity), so he cannot be got at. I must say that I would have thought that his former boss Colonel White might have been in evidence, as no one would be more knowledgeable on international threats than he. I hope now that Mr Scarlet is back in the public eye we can expect him to be having more exciting adventures?
PS: Do you think that Brains of International Rescue is as bent as they say?
Herb Hergenflast, Pudsey, London
Doc Sleaze Replies:
Sadly, Captain Scarlet’s one vulnerability was quickly discovered by the CIA, which, to this day, uses electrodes applied to the balls as its favoured method of interrogation. It is a great pity that Spectrum was abolished as a result of 1970s defence cuts, as Cloudbase (sold for scrap in 1977) would surely have been the perfect base of operations for UN weapons inspectors in Iraq, with its ability to overfly suspect WMD sites and, if necessary, destroy them with its Angel Interceptors. Sadly, Colonel White was given a dishonourable discharge in 1981 after pictures of him in a compromising position with Captain Pink surfaced in the ‘News of the World’. Despite his claims that their strings had become inadvertently tangled whilst looking for some bulldog clips in the stationary cupboard, White was forced to retire. As for Brains, well, I feel that the size and thickness of his glasses tell us all we need to know about his leisure activities!