Category: Politics

Tory Tough Guy

Public amazement as Home Secretary takes tough line on immigration by personally attacking rubber dinghy and hurling illegal occupants back into sea. New policy initiative or cynical political posturing as Sajid Javid positions himself as Tory tough guy in race to succeed Theresa May?

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Happy Brexmas!

Top Brexiteer switches sides following visitations from three ghosts with visions of Brexit past, present and future. Spectre of a far from Happy Brexmas with Santa being denied free movement to deliver presents, leads to cabinet minister embracing second referendum and ‘No Brexit at All’.

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Inside the Brexit Bunker

Meet the ‘Brexit Preppers’ as they prepare their ‘Brexit Bunkers’ for the chaos they believe will follow a ‘No Deal’ Brexit. Top ‘Prepper’ tells of how tinned food, medicines, even illegal drugs, European porn and prostitutes are being hoarded in preparation for Brexit. Reveals that he is prepared to defend his bunker by force, if necessary.

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Black Face Friday

Government proposes replacing ‘Black Friday’ with ‘Black Face Friday’, where you can only ‘bag a bargain’ if your face is covered in boot polish . Supporters believe ‘Black Face Friday’ would better address British traditions of intolerance, bigotry and casual racism than US import ‘Black Friday’.

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Terror of the Sexes

Are feminist extremists out to demonise all single men as potential rapists? Tory politician makes extraordinary claim that men being forced to go gay or transgender in order to avoid anti-male persecution. Alleges that militant feminists plotting to have men treated like terror suspects.

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Universal Hate

Government announces introduction of new ‘Universal Hate’ policy, under which all existing forms of hate crime, regardless of whether it is racial, religious or gender based, will be amalgamated into one single type of hate. Ministers hope new system will simplify process of hate crime for perpetrators, victims and police.

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Hard Remain

Anti Brexit group proposes ‘Hard Remain’as alternative to ‘Hard Brexit’. In event of winning second referendum, Remain Forever movement will demand UK join Eurozone, Schengen Area and open borders to mass immigration. Also claims UK must pay more for privilege of EU membership.

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Never Say Novichok Again

Is latest Novichok attack further evidence that UK government being held to ransom by international crime syndicate? Or is Boris Johnson the criminal ‘mastermind’ behind plot to blackmail Prime Minister into implementing ‘Hard Brexit’?

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Right and Wrong

Top academic blasts ‘right wing cry babies’ for over sensitivity to issues such as race, gender and equality. Argues the ‘right and wrong’ need to grow up and stop whining on social media about ‘unfairness’ of having their privilege threatened by minorities.

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Hostile Environment

Did government outsource ‘Hostile Environment policy for illegal immigrants to extreme right wing groups? Allegations that neo-Nazis employed by Home Office to intimidate alleged illegals with burning crosses and racist attacks.

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From Russia, With Ineptitude

Russia’s President Putin has condemned those who attempted to assassinate former Russian spy Sergei Skirpal and his daughter, saying that they had been told to make it look like suicide. Claims that policy of out-sourcing assassinations in post-communist Russia has resulted in embarrassing ineptitude that threatens Russia’s standing in world of political killings.

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Sedating Hate

Was the recent collapse in South Africa of pseudo-celebrity Katie Hopkins part of an underground campaign to silence the reactionary bile of such hate mongers? Secret organisation claims to be ‘sedating hate’ by targeting extremist speakers with blowpipe delivered tranquiliser darts.

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Tea and Terror

Was the Salisbury nerve agent attack which has left a former Russian spy and his daughter fighting for their lives actually a ‘false flag’ attack organised by the local council in an attempt to create publicity for the city? Council insider makes incredible claims as Boris Johnson prepares to penalise Russia for attack by mooning their London embassy.

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Left Handed Guns

Calls for American left to assert Second Amendment rights and arm themselves in order to force through gun control at gun point. Only armed left-wing militias can protect citizens’ Constitutional rights from threat posed by right wing crazies, argue leftist leaders.

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Foreign Sex Aid

Charity shops besieged by pensioners seeking to exchange sex for second hand goods in wake of Oxfam sex for aid scandal. New charitable donors horrified to discover their money isn’t financing import of foreign sex workers for their use.

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Sex Education

Government’s plans for sex education in schools under fire. Minister proposes establishment of proper training schemes for potential sex offenders to ensure their aptitude and proficiency in their chosen field of deviance.

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