“Yes, it was me – I took him up the arse! He is my bitch now,” an individual claiming to be Russian President Vladimir Putin declared in a voice message on Telegram. “Trust me, he loved every minute. He has never had it so good – being taken from behind by a powerful man. His buttocks wobbled and gyrated with every thrust, rippling like the Black Sea when the north wind blows down across it from the Steppes!” The extraordinary statement follows widespread speculation on social media as to the identity of the unnamed world leader who had allegedly been paying a senior British politician, also unnamed in initial reports for explicit pictures and sexual favours. The claims, reported extensively in tabloid The Shite, originated not with the politician involved, but with a concerned ‘close friend’, appalled at the abuse they were suffering. Rumours were rife that the ‘world leader’ in question might have been North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, or China’s Xi Jinping, but the majority of those speculating favoured Putin. “It was a pretty narrow field – how many foreign political heads could legitimately labelled ‘world leaders’,” opines Adam Coghsure, Chief Political Correspondent of rival tabloid The Daily Norks. “Besides, the reports said that they were paying for these favours, which would leave out Kim Jong Un as North Korea is skint and the Chinese favour straight-up blackmail to get those sorts of favours. It came down to the presidents of the US and Russia and let’s face it, Joe Biden is too decrepit to be doing that sort of thing. So it had to be Putin – he has form for buying British politicians, after all.”
With the ‘world leader’ apparently identified, speculation both online and in the press has turned to the identity of the alleged ‘victim’. “Not that there was much doubt – we were obviously meant to think that it was Boris Johnson,” says Coghsure. “I mean, everyone knows about the ‘hospitality’ from Russian oligarchs that he’s enjoyed and the ‘concerned close friend’ who supposedly leaked the story is obviously meant to be Nadine Dorries – she’s always swooning over him like a lovesick teenager.” Nevertheless, other names did enter the frame, with former UKIP leader Nigel Farage featuring prominently in speculation. “Well, it’s true that, according to his former bank, he’s been receiving payments from Russian broadcasters, so that could have put him in the picture,” concedes the reporter. “But once that Telegram post came out with that description of those huge wobbling buttocks, that surely ruled out that skinny arsed bastard. Besides, nobody would believe that anyone would pay to shag him.” Needless to say, these claims have been hotly denied by associates of the former Prime Minister. “Not only are these claims outrageous, but also ridiculous. They are nothing but bare arsed lies,” thundered right-wing Tory back bencher Mark Porker. “I mean, even if Boris Johnson was performing sex acts for money, there’s no way he’d be taking it up the jacksie – he’s 110 per cent heterosexual for God’s sake! I know he went to public school, but nonetheless, there surely can’t be any doubt abut his masculinity – just look at all the women he’s spermed, all the kids he’s sired!”
Despite the denials, The Shite has doubled down on its story, printing details of the sorts of graphic photos Johnson was allegedly paid for by Putin. “According to them, there were a number of pictures sent featuring Johnson naked save for his socks, posing with Top Secret documents covering his bits,” explains Coghsure. “Not that they have been able to print these photos – if they exist.” The Shite has cited concerns over privacy, as the ‘victim’ hasn’t officially been named, for their failure to actually produce these photographs. Indeed, as Coghsure points out, the tabloid’s whole story has been vague and short on details. “It’s pure clickbait based upon the flimsiest of evidence – no names no details,” he says. “It is clearly designed to set off this feeding frenzy online and in the media, as everyone tries to identify the participants, committing libel themselves in the process, but leaving The Shite with clean hands as far as defamation is concerned as they haven’t named any names – they’ve just encouraged everyone else to do it instead.” He is also highly critical of the substance of the story, meagre though it actually turns out to be. “It’s not as if they’re really telling us anything we didn’t already know,” scoffs the journalist. “Boris Johnson getting shafted by Putin – is that really news?”
In what Coghsure and his newspaper see as a cynical attempt to keep a story rapidly running out of steam going, The Shite has now claimed that representatives of a second ‘victim’ – this time from the US – of the ‘unnamed world leader’ has contacted the newspaper, confirming its story. “This time, we’re clearly meant to think that it was Donald Trump posing naked with the Top Secret documents he has stashed in his shower and taking it uo the council gritter from Putin,” sighs Coghsure. “It really is transparent.” Following these latest ‘revelations’ and the accompanying speculation, ‘Putin’ posted another Telegram voice message, seemingly verifying the latest developments. “Yes, it is true – I took the American pig up the arse too, He cried like a baby! He, too, is my bitch now,” the alleged Russian leader claimed. “I took his lardy buttocks in my hands and squeezed them until he cried out in pain, then I slapped them until they wobbled. Again, he enjoyed being taken roughly from behind and dominated by a strong man, as all you decadent Westerners dream of happening to you.”
While, like Boris Johnson, Trump himself hasn’t commented on the speculation, large numbers of crazy extreme right wing conspiracy loons have flocked to social media to deny that he has ever taken it up the Gary Glitter from a notorious authoritarian dictator, Russian or otherwise. “It’s clearly just another a vile Democrat/Antifa/Leftist plot to smear the greatest President in the history of the US,” screeched Laura Looney on her YouTube channel. “They just can’t take the fact that he really won in 2020, the degenerate pervert-loving bastards!” Doubts have also been cast as to the authenticity of the Telegram messages, with many asking why a head of state would use a social media channel to transmit such communications. This has prompted another outburst from ‘Putin’ on Telegram. “How dare they doubt me – I will take them up the arse too and see their arse cheeks glow red under my assault,” the latest message says. “They will be my bitches too.” The Kremlin, however, has poured scorn on all of the claims and issued a warning to those behind the story: “Do not forget that Mr Putin is a very powerful man – he was in the KGB. So, if you keep insulting him from behind the anonymity of the web, he will still find you – and take you up the arse. Not that he has been doing this to your leaders – but he could if he wanted to and they would enjoy it!”
