A nightmare vision of gigantic male genitalia roaming the British countryside, squirting ‘grey goo’ at innocent passers-by, was yesterday raised by Prince Charles during a speech to students at Worcester University. The Prince’s description of a world where militant feminists have replaced men with test-tube grown monster penises has once more raised fears as to his mental state. “He is quite clearly bonkers,” commented Professor Brian Capper, head of the University’s psychology department. “I find it deeply disturbing that a man whose penile fantasies reveal a deep-seated misogyny and fear of castration and impotence, will one day be King of England.” Nevertheless, the Prince’s supporters have been quick to defend him, pointing out that the heir to the throne, known for his scepticism regarding much current scientific and technological innovation, was merely warning students of the dangers posed by recent experiments carried out by US scientists, in which penile tissue was successfully grown from normal male cells. “This research could prove a very real threat to mankind – the Prince was quite right to highlight its potential dangers,” opines arch-Royalist and top Royal biographer Jenny Jewel. “According to press reports, these scientists have actually grown male genitalia in petri dishes, completely independent of the human body – allegedly there is no limit to their potential size! What if one were to escape? Imagine what damage could it cause!”

Indeed, according to Prince Charles, such an eventuality is an all too real possibility. “Apparently they can get these things to respond to external stimuli – exposure to pornography induces an erection whilst the presence of genuine naked women can cause a powerful ejaculation! Clearly, if one were to escape, no woman will be safe from these rampant beasts as, foaming at the mouth, they terrorise society,” he told the students. However, the Prince went on to claim that women might not be the primary target of these rampaging members, speculating that they could, in fact, be part of some sinister feminist conspiracy, noting that many of the scientists involved in the project were, in fact, women. “Could it be that their ultimate aim is to completely eliminate the need for men?” he pondered. “These giant genitalia could not only perform all of a whole man’s reproductive functions, but could also satisfy a woman in a way no normal man could! Haven’t the feminists always seen men merely as an inconvenient reproductive necessity? Could it be that that these priapic terrors will be unleashed against men – strangling them or even suffocating them with their giant scrotums?”

Not surprisingly, the Prince’s comments have been dismissed as being “utterly preposterous” by the scientific community. “The experiments he described are ultimately aimed at helping men who have suffered genital mutilation or injury, by being able to repair their reproductive organs using their own tissue,” says Dr Abe Nubbin, a prominent geneticist, who also denies that giant mutant penises are being grown in US labs. “This is just the latest in a long line of anti-scientific pronouncements by the Prince, based purely on ignorance!” Indeed, Prince Charles recently warned of the dangers posed by nanotechnology – claiming that the ability to manipulate any form of physical matter at the molecular level could result in the entire world being transformed into sticky, oozing grey goo. He also raised the fear that it could potentially be used as an alternative to cosmetic surgery, to reshape human bodies in order to satisfy people’s basest sexual desires. “We have the terrifying prospect of a race of men reduced to shuffling wrecks as they drag their grotesquely enlarged genitalia around – the result of their misguided attempts to satisfy their wives and partners desires for greater sexual gratification,” he claimed at a meeting of the Royal Society. In another outburst, he warned the National Union of Farmers against using genetically modified crops, claiming that they could result in genetic mutations that rendered men sterile. “Laboratory experiments on rats and mice show that eating GM foods results in their penises falling off and their growing breasts,” he asserted.

Professor Capper sees a distinct trend emerging from the Prince’s various outbursts. “He is clearly obsessed with emasculation, equating it with the empowerment of women. It is no doubt the result of being brought up in a family dominated by powerful women – his mother, the Queen and of course his grandmother, the late Queen Mother. His main male role model – his father Prince Philip -is forced constitutionally to play a subservient role to his mother. Moreover, his sister, the Princess Royal, is held up as a model of strength and practicality whilst he and his brothers are publicly lambasted as being weak and whacko, oafish and stupid, and profligate and effeminate, respectively. In technical terms, we psychologists would describe him as being ‘pussy whipped’,” he says, adding that the royal family has a long history of mental illness. “Prince Philip appears to suffer from Tourette’s syndrome, involuntarily spewing out obscenities and racial abuse to every complete stranger he meets, whilst the Queen Mother suffered from advanced nymphomania, bedding everyone from Gandhi to Frank Sinatra.”

Prince Charles’ aversion to progress extends beyond the world of science, as shown by his views on architecture – he criticised the Millennium Dome, for instance, as looking too much like a huge breast, suggesting that it should instead be a huge firm and imposing structure hewn from rock-hard granite, and featuring many large columns thrusting into the earth in classical style. “It is clear that he wants to regress to some kind of pre-twentieth century rural society, where people, especially women, know their place, and technology is left safely in the hands of those fit to use it – generally rich and privileged men,” Capper believes. “It is notable that in those ‘model communities’ the Prince has been building on his estates in Cornwall and Dorset, the inhabitants are not only required from tugging their forelocks as he passes by, but are also banned from owning cars, televisions and the like, whilst he still swans around in his Jaguar!” Indeed, there have been several disturbing reports that unsuspecting motorists who have taken a wrong turning and ended up in these communities have had their cars destroyed by mobs of villagers wielding blazing torches and shouting “kill the monster!” – with the Prince himself egging them on from the safety of his luxury sports car. “It is ironic that the age he seems to be trying to recreate – the Victorian era – was actually presided over by the most powerful woman in the world: Queen Victoria,” notes Capper. “He just can’t escape the shadow of his domineering female relatives…”