Part Time Terror

“Of course I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to make it to Yemen last week to kill infidels at the US Embassy there,” laments part-time Al Qaeda operative Hussein Al Cock in the latest edition of the terror organisation’s in-house journal. “But the fact is that I’’ve got a full-time job with Hezbollah as a suicide bomber. They just can’t spare me for these Al Qeada weekend operations – I’m on call and could have to blow myself and a bus load of Israeli school children to bits at a moment’s notice!” Al Cock is typical of a growing number of the once mighty terror group’s members – reservists committed to only a few weekends of terrorism every year, for which they are paid only a nominal fee. “It’s making it increasingly difficult to mount effective operations,” Al Qeada’s Operational Director for the Arabian Peninsula, Mustapha Crapah conceded in a recent interview on Terror FM – the twenty four hour rant-based radio station for fanatics everywhere. “There’s no way we could organise something like the Twin Towers today – we can only operate at weekends and are lucky if two or three of people actually turn up. It all comes down to money – we just can’t offer their regular employers enough in compensation for them to release our part-timers during normal work time.”

Al Cock agrees that the compensation question is a key factor in his inability to commit to more Al Qeada operations. “For my employers it isn’t so much a question of money, as the ability to replace a skilled worker such as myself at short notice,” he told the in-house journal. “Al Qeada simply can’t offer them a like-for-like replacement – their suicide bombers are rank amateurs and are all tied up in Iraq, anyway. Perhaps if they offered to kill a bus-load of Israelis and credit it to Hezbollah, maybe that would be an acceptable level of compensation.” The current situation – of having to effectively rely upon the ‘Territorial Al Qaeda’ to carry out operations – is doubly damaging to the terror organisation’s mission to commit international atrocities, as it seems that its main foes have identified the part-time nature of its current threat. “The American and British infidels know that they are safe during the working week,” admits Crapah. “Just look at that recent terror alert they issued for Yemen – they only closed their Embassies over the weekends, thereby completely neutralising our planned attacks without firing a shot!”

Al Qeada’s increasing reliance upon part time terrorists is the result of a number of factors, chiefly its current lack of funds. “It was great when we had Osama’s family fortune backing us, along with all those other wealthy Sheiks who fancied dabbling in terrorism as a hobby. The sky was the limit – we had thousands of full-time fanatics on the payroll,” explained Crapah in his radio interview. “But now Osama’s dead and our other former backers have lost interest and are now buying football clubs instead. It seems that they’d rather win the Champion’s League than see Washington’s streets running with blood!” The Al Qeada leader claims that the terror group’s reorganisation has been inspired by the current UK government’s defence policy. “We saw the way Mr Cameron was slashing his country’s defence spending by laying off those expensive professional soldiers and replacing them with an expanded Territorial Army made up of cheap amateur ‘weekend warriors’,” he says. “It seemed so obvious – there are so many want-to-be terrorists out there who we shunned in the past because of their reliability, But why not use them? Sure, they aren’t as reliable as the professionals, but they are cheap!” Crapah went on to tell listeners of the high regard in which his organisation holds the UK government. “We very much admire Mr Cameron, especially the way he perpetrates a reign of terror against his own people,” he declared. “He subjugates the masses, driving them into poverty and subjecting them to draconian state surveillance, all the while deceiving them into believing it is for their own good!”

The problem with Al Qeada’s part-time terror strategy, Crapah admits, is that many of these part-timers find real terrorism far more exacting than they had imagined and often buckle when faced with its realities. “It’s all very well being an armchair terrorist, cheering on the destruction of the Twin Towers from your armchair in front of your TV, but when you are actually faced with having to behead a hostage, it’s a different matter,” he mused. “For these weekend fanatics, it is all a fantasy, they imagine that they will only be involved with the glamourous jobs – hijacking airliners and assassinating heads of state – but the real nitty-gritty of terrorism are the dirty jobs like torturing some infidel’s wife and children for information, or garroting heretics! Many of them just can’t take it and want to go home!”

However, not all of Al Qeada’s new ‘Territorial Army of Terror’ are amateurs and fantasists. Some, like Al Cock, remain committed professional terrorists. “I felt I had no choice but to move to Hezbollah for my full-time terror activities,” he told the in-house journal. “It wasn’t about money – the pay is really incidental, I do this job for the love of Islam – but rather the lack of career opportunities in Al Qeada. It seemed that you had to be a Sheik to get on in the organisation. Not only that, but I just felt that, in recent years, Al Qeada has lacked ambition – they’ve been happy to rest on their past glories. Not only was I able to re-train as a suicide bomber when I joined Hezbollah, but they offer better potential targets and opportunities for a glorious martyrdom.” Despite leaving the regular Al Qeada, Al Cock explained that was reluctant to sever his links with the group entirely. “I felt that I still owed them – after all, it was Al Qeada that gave me my first breaks as a terrorist, killing tourists in Yemen – so I didn’t want to turn my back on them,” he told readers. “Being in the new Territorial arm seemed like an ideal opportunity to keep my hand in with the old organisation and have a bit of fun with the boys by engaging in some senseless slaughter a few weekends a year. I just didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be to reconcile with my work and family commitments in between all that bomb-making, training runs and taking the kids to school, I’m just too knackered most weekends to go out and blow up some embassy or other.”