“OK, so my theory is that it is all part of some sort of billionaire euthanasia club,” says top conspiracy theorist Justin Glichs. “Not voluntary euthanasia. mind you. Rather someone taking it upon themselves to rid the world of these wealthy wastes of space in such a way that doesn’t look deliberate, instead making their demise look like an inevitable result of their own hubris and sense of entitlement.” Glichs’ extraordinary theory – outlined in the latest issue of Practical Conspiracy Digest – comes in the wake of the tragic loss of the ‘Titan’ minisub during a trip to view the wreck f the ‘Titanic’. “Believe me, the loss of multiple billionaires on the ‘Titan’ submersible supposedly taking them to view the wreck of the Titanic is just the start of it,” he controversially claims. “We’re going to see a lot more of these extreme tourism tragedies, as the secret anti-billionaire cabal sets out to thin out their numbers and redistribute their wealth!” Glichs’ pronouncements have, naturally, brought criticism from quarters, claiming that he is trying to exploit a tragedy to push his own crackpot theories. “Regardless of their wealth, these were human beings that died,” wrote Tory MP Hugo Hyde-Parke in the Daily Excess. “More than that, they were pioneers, pushing the frontiers of human exploration. To use their deaths in this way is outrageous! It dishonours the memories of these brave men!”
The conspiracy theorist’s response has been characteristically uncompromising. “Frankly, I’m tired of all the sanctimonious cobblers that have been written already about the loss of that submarine and its occupants,” he retorted. “Let’s be clear about this, they were a bunch of very privileged people with more money than sense who were prepared to pay a lot of money to get into what amounted to an uncertificated sub shaped like a tin turd, in order to dive several miles down into the Atlantic in order to gawp at what amounts to an underwater mass grave. That is not exploration. It’s tourism. Worse, it is misery tourism aiming to get some kind of kick from wallowing in the misfortune of others!” Glichs believes that it is the very arrogance that super wealth brings that will allow the billionaire euthanasia conspirators to lure the billionaires to their deaths. “It seems to me that stroking their egos by offering them the chance to do something nobody else can simply because they are filthy rich, is the perfect way to lure these clowns into a trap,” he opines. “Get them to dive to the Titanic, then make out sure that the submarine implodes before it ever gets there. Tragic accident. No suggestion of foul play. Perhaps they were dead before they ever got on the sub – maybe there was a gas chamber on the support ship. Then they just loaded the bodies into that metal coffin and dropped it into the ocean!”
Glichs concedes that, obviously, this method can’t be a viable option for eliminating billionaires any more, as the ‘tragedy’ is likely to get such trips to the ‘Titanic’ banned for the foreseeable future. So what next? Space travel, perhaps? Could it be that all those private space initiatives are really ‘false flag’ operations unwittingly financed by the very billionaires who are destined to die in their amateur spaceships? “What an irony if the likes of Richard Branson or Elon Musk were to pile into one of their space planes or rockets with a whole bunch of their billionaire buddies, only for the space craft to explode on launch, or re-rentry, or were simply lost in space?” he ponders. “The perfect act of involuntary euthanasia – there’d be even less evidence left than in the submarine ‘accident’. The kicker would be if the fees that these idiots had paid for these ‘experiences’ were then being used by those organising the billionaire euthanasia club to do stuff like finance an end to global food poverty or end homelessness?” For this is the key to Glich’s theories – that the billionaire euthanasia club conspirators ultimate aim isn’t just to eliminate super rich individuals, but to see that their wealth is redistributed to worthier causes than the inflation of their egos.
But critics continue to pour scorn on Glich’s ideas, contending that even if such a thing as the billionaire euthanasia club existed, its schemes would be unworkable. “Even if they were able to conspire to create deliberately faulty and hazardous technology, surely no billionaire would be foolhardy enough to use something so obviously dangerous,” claims Hugo Hyde-Parke. “I mean, if they were that stupid, then they would never have become billionaires in the first place!” Glich is typically dismissive of such views. “Oh come on! The very fact that a bunch of them were happy to board that obvious deathtrap of a submarine – that nobody in their right mind would surely ever have set foot on – must surely further undermine the myth that billionaires are in any way more intelligent than us mere mortals, or exhibit better judgement,” he responds with a derisory snort. “Not that we really needed any more proof of their fallibility than Elon Musk’s stewardship of Twitter, where his utter cluelessness is on display daily. But, I hear you say, if they are all such idiots then how do you explain the fat that they became billionaires in the first place? Surely that indicates a level of saviness above and beyond the ordinary? Well, bearing in mind that most of them came from money in the first place makes their financial rise less remarkable. It is pretty easy to be a success in just about any field when you have the safety net of Daddy’s money to fall back on. Very few of these feted billionaires are truly ‘self made’!”
Warming to his theme, the conspiracy theorist went on to lambast the latest developments in the world of billionaires. “You want more evidence as to why modern billionaires are complete dicks?” he asks. “Just look at that other recent billionaire ‘event’: the aforementioned Musk challenging Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg to a ‘cage fight’. Really? Have these supposed business master minds really have nothing better to do? It just reveals them as the immature juveniles they actually are.” As far as Glich is concerned, the world’s billionaires would be better off using their wealth and resources to doing things like ending global poverty, fighting climate change or campaigning for human rights. “Not that I want them to suddenly all become altruistic and set up those ego-stroking foundations of theirs to do ‘good works’ or sponsor ‘good causes’ with the minimum amount of money possible for maximum publicity,” he says. “NO, they should just give their money to charities and other non-government organisations. Or just pay their taxes. Until they do, the billionaire euthanasia club is going to keep on coming up with ever more dangerous types of extreme tourism to lure them, very expensively, to their dooms.”
