The furore over Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s alleged display of disrespect for war veterans by failing to incline his head sufficiently whilst laying a wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday, looks set to be eclipsed by new allegations that the Queen broke wind during the two minute silence. “I’m amazed that the press haven’t made more of it – she audibly farted whilst standing in front of the Cenotaph during the silence,” former soldier Peter Prodger told the Daily Norks. “I say audibly – it was so loud that it rattled every window in Whitehall and they were still feeling the aftershocks half an hour later in Knightsbridge!” According to the retired Lance Corporal – who served in Catterick, Aldershot and Warminster, seeing action and receiving wounds in a vicious battle with local insurgents in a Guildford night club – the media has conspired to try and cover up the Royal flatulence. “Everyone there could hear it – I know that they started playing the ‘Last Post’ earlier and louder than usual to try and cover up the noise of her fart, but the TV and radio microphones must have picked it up,” he told the tabloid. “I can only assume that they deliberately muted the sound as soon as they heard what was happening. As for the newspapers – I suspect that the government slapped a ‘D-Notice’ on them to keep it all under wraps!”

The Daily Norks has conducted its own analysis of TV coverage of the Cenotaph survey and claims that its sound engineers have been able to detect the distinct sound of a fart. “It comes toward the end of the two minute silence and is very nearly drowned out by the playing of the ‘Last Post’, but after careful computer analysis, our boffins have managed to isolate it,” the newspaper’s Defence Correspondent, Duncan Streen wrote in yesterday’s edition. “Moreover, if you watch the reactions of those standing behind Her Majesty, directly in the path of her postern blast, it is clear that Jeremy Corbyn visible flinches, whilst David Cameron gags and turns green.” Harrowing eyewitness accounts gathered by the tabloid from veterans present at the atrocity demonstrate the politicians discomfort was relatively minor compared to that suffered by many elderly veterans. “Several Korean War survivors told us of their stinging eyes – some feared for their sight, the backdraft was so caustic,” explained Streen. “A couple of World War Two veterans suffered what looked like chemical burns to their exposed skin – a bit like the effects of Agent Orange.” Most disturbingly, one old soldier suffered a terrifying flashback to his time being used as Guinea Pig for chemical warfare experiments at Porton Down during the Cold War. “It was like the mustard gas they subjected me too,” recalled seventy eight year old Ron Jobber. “I was choking and clawing at my face, where it burned! It was horrible! You’d think that her Majesty would have more respect for her old soldiers than to fart on them like that!”

But the Daily Norks journalist believes that the fact is that the Queen has no respect for war veterans whatsoever and that her ‘anal announcement’ was a carefully calculated slight. “Just look at that slight smirking smile which plays across her lips as she lets rip – she knows what she’s doing,” Streen told readers. “Not only that, but she’d clearly been corking that one up, to ensure that it would be as powerful and noxious as possible. In fact, our video analysts are pretty sure that she actually ‘followed through’ – just look at the way she walks as she leaves the ceremony.” According to Streen, the Queen’s apparent dislike for Britain’s armed forces stems from the Royal Family’s well known Nazi sympathies. “We’ve all seen those pictures they tried to suppress of her and Princess Margaret giving Nazi salutes to Hitler in the thirties,” he opined. “The fact is that the Royals always secretly thought that we were on the wrong side in the war and actually hoped that Hitler would win. They’ve despised the British armed forces ever since then for defeating Nazi Germany.”

The newspaper has claimed that this disrespect for armed forces veterans has also been demonstrated by other members of the Royal family, most notably the late Queen Mother. “She was quite clearly always pissed during the wreath laying at the Cenotaph,” Streen wrote in his latest article. “Over the years several politicians and military top brass have note that she smelt like a distillery during these ceremonies. Of course, the media were always told to put her unsteadiness on her feet down to her being old and doddery.” He alleges that the intoxicated Queen Mother once attempted to get it on with former Labour leader Michael Foot after one ceremony, demanding to know whether we was hung like his donkey jacket. In another incident, as she turned away from the Cenotaph after laying a wreath, she raised her dress and flashed her knickers at the assembled veterans. “Of course, they just said that a gust of wind was responsible,” wrote Streen. “And that whole business about Foot’s ‘donkey jacket’, actually a duffel coat , being ‘disrespectful’, was just a diversionary tactic. Just like Corbyn’s supposed failure to bow his head, when he quite clearly did , is an obvious attempt to try and cover up the Queen’s fart.”

With the Royal fart exposed and Peter Prodger launching a campaign to have the Queen publicly apologise to Britain’s war veterans for her disrespectful act, the right wing media have moved quickly to find another distraction. “If you thought Corbyn’s failure to bow was disrespectful, just wait until you see his nude calendar!” screamed the front page of today’s Daily Excess. In a highly sensational report, the Excess is claiming that Jeremy Corbyn poses nude as ‘Mr November’ in the 2016 Labour Party Nude Charity Calender, with only a wreath of poppies covering his manhood. “Again, this is a complete fabrication,” a Labour press officer told the Daily Norks. “Jeremy is most certainly not ‘Mr November’ – he’s actually ‘Mr February’ and those are roses, appropriate for Valentine’s Day, not poppies. Diane Abbott, however, is ‘Miss November’ and does have a poppy covering each nipple. It’s very tasteful and in no way disrespectful – they’re white peace poppies.”