In an extraordinary development in the ‘War on Terror’, a number of top Hollywood and showbiz celebrities have reportedly ‘declared war’ on terror group ISIS, condemning the organisation for its recent deadly attacks on civilian targets in Paris. In a now removed You Tube video, a masked figure, rumoured to be one of tinsel town’s biggest stars, berated the Islamic fundamentalists for killing over a hundred ordinary French citizens without warning. “It is utterly outrageous that they should be targeting normal, insignificant, people who are just going about their mundane lives,” the figure reportedly ranted. “These people are nobodies – killing them will achieve nothing! And why Paris, the capital of the most hated country in the world? The rest of the globe will just think that they deserve everything they get, the arrogant bastards, always looking down their noses at the English-speaking world! Quite frankly, it is an insult to the most talented artists in the world that ISIS have failed to target Los Angeles – a city full of top celebrities! Believe me, if they want publicity, all they have to do is off a single movie star and the world will keep talking about it for decades!”
Ralf Halberd, who claims to have seen the video before it was pulled from the video sharing site, told the Cricklewood Reporter, his local newspaper, that the mystery figure claimed to be representing a group of top US celebrities disgruntled at the fact that terrorists had consistently ignored them as potential targets, despite their financial worth, global fan bases and undoubted political influence. “He ranted on for ages about how important to the global economy mega stars like him and his friends were and how half the world looked to them as moral and ethical role models, so it was just offensive that the terrorists were ignoring them,” the twenty six year old shop assistant claimed. “He went on the say that they were declaring war on ISIS in retaliation, claiming that his group had plenty of combat experience – I assume that he meant all those action films they’d made.” Halberd told the newspaper that he thought he had recognised the masked man’s voice, but couldn’t entirely sure as to his identity: “At first I thought it might be Charlie Sheen, but when I thought about it later, it could have been Robert Downey Jr. Either way, it would mean that the video couldn’t be taken seriously – it would mean that it was either a piece of desperate attention seeking or an exercise in ego preening.”
Although experts in both the UK and US have cast doubt on the legitimacy of the video, with some even questioning its existence, pointing out that Halberd is, so far, the only person who claims to have actually seen it, former showbiz agent Jake Pike has sensationally claimed that it isn’t the first time that Hollywood stars have reacted badly to an international terrorist attack. “Back in 2001 a petition signed by over five hundred film stars, directors, writers and assorted hangers on was allegedly sent to Osama bin Laden in the wake of 9/11, condemning his terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, as these had caused severe trauma to their egos by implying that Hollywood was utterly insignificant,” he told the Cricklewood Reporter. “Just like this latest video, the document called upon Al Qaeda to consider Los Angeles as a future target, due to its greater concentration of important public figures essential to the US’ cultural existence.” According to Pike – who represented such talents as ‘Long’ Rod Thrust, star of such hits as Ramrod Boys Meet the Corn Hole Brothers, in a career spanning more than forty years – the petition was hushed up by worried movie moguls and the Screen Actors Guild, fearing that it could seriously damage the reputations of many top actors.
“The Guild moved quickly to scotch reports that many of its members had suffered breakdowns and had been forced back into therapy, their sense self-worth destroyed by the terrorists’ decision to ignore them,” explained the former agent. “The Guild also denied that several of its members had campaigned against Guantanamo Bay, demanding that they be incarcerated there for their anti-war stances.” Pike claimed that the agents of George Clooney, Barbara Streisand and Sean Penn, amongst others, poured scorn on claims which had surfaced in some supermarket tabloids that their clients had written to the government, complaining that the authorities’ failure to arrest them was an insult to their radical politics and part of a conspiracy to marginalise left of centre political activity in the US. “One highly placed source in the film industry told me that Matt Damon claimed that he deserved to be locked up in Camp X-Ray as making films like Syriana was every bit as subversive as blowing up buildings and hijacking airliners,” Pike confided to readers of the local newspaper. “ Obviously, Damon’s agent denied it completely, adding that at no time had his client complained that the government was undermining his credibility by denying him the chance to become a martyr for his ‘art’.”
Pike has some sympathy for the stance taken by the stars in relation to terrorist atrocities such as those in Paris or the 9/11 attacks. “You can hardly blame them, can you?” he mused. “They’re the centre of the entertainment universe, yet these things never happen in their backyard – first of all its New York, then there was 7/7 in London and now this business in Paris – but never LA! When are they going to get their opportunity to show the world their compassion and fortitude in the face of disaster? Can you blame them for now turning on and vowing to destroy the terrorists who have so undermined their sense of self worth?” Ralf Halberd, however, remains unimpressed with the threat of celebrity retaliation against ISIS. “That’s really going to defeat the Jihadists, isn’t it? A bunch of pretentious fantasists threatening them,” he mused in the pages of the Cricklewood Reporter. “It’s like that video Anonymous put out, declaring war on them – I bet that had them quaking in their boots, the prospect of a bunch of spotty nerds in their bedrooms hacking their websites and writing rude words on their message boards! Now its a bunch of poncey actors – they probably won’t even fight ISIS themselves anyway, they’ll just send their stunt doubles instead.”