Prime Minister David Cameron has been forced to flee flood-hit Cornwall, cutting short a tour of the areas worst hit by the recent extreme weather, following reports that angry locals were planning to make a human sacrifice of him, in order to try and end the storms by appeasing King Neptune. “He barely got out of there alive,” sixty two year old Albert Bibble, an eyewitness to the Prime Minister’s escape, told The Sleaze. “It was like Indiana Jones – this mob of screaming lunatics, dressed like druids and carrying blazing torches, chasing after him and his bodyguards as they ran for their helicopter! They were still there, shouting and waving their fists, even as the chopper flew off!” The incident follows newspaper reports claiming that the desperate inhabitants of Cornwall – cut off from the rest of the UK since the severe storms battering Britain destroyed rail links into the county and flooded road links – have been forced to turn to cannibalism in order to survive. Rejecting allegations that the media is over-dramatising and sensationalising the current weather crisis for the sake of circulation, Eddie Ripplass, West of England correspondent for popular tabloid the Daily Norks, has defended the cannibalism claims. “They’re a bunch of inbred savages down there at the best of times,” he told us from his East London office. “But now that the ties to civilisation have been cut, they’ve gone back to their pagan roots – running around stark naked down there in the pouring rain, their bodies smeared with woad, worshipping idols of some mythical sea god they believe we’ve angered!”

Not surprisingly, denizens of Britain’s most westerly county have been quick to decry the claims of cannibalism and murderous pagan rites. “Nobody has eaten anyone else,” Truro councillor Adrian Pockles claimed in a call to BBC Radio Five Live. “If you were to believe the press, we’ve all reverted to a state of savagery here, just because of some gales and torrential rain! It’s all nonsense!” He added that, at no time, was David Cameron in danger of being sacrificied to Neptune, or any other deity. “Some of the locals down here are understandably very annoyed at the government’s perceived lack of action regarding these floods and the damage they are doing,” Pockles told the radio phone-in. “They merely expressed themselves in a somewhat aggressive manner. But there was no danger they would have harmed the Prime Minister . His security overreacted, he was in no danger at all– the wicker man we use for burning sacrificial victims alive was too water-logged to light!” Despite the councillor’s protestations, the press has continued to allege that civilisation has broken down completely in the county. “Not only do we stand by our earlier reports, but we’ve now learned that Prince Charles, in his capacity as Duke of Cornwall, is preparing to declare martial law and run the Duchy as his own personal fiefdom,” Ripplass claims. “He’s going to have anyone found worshipping Neptune shot on sight and establish himself as sacrifice-demanding demi-God instead!” The journalist further warned that events in Cornwall were merely a foretaste of the chaos which will engulf the entire country if the government didn’t quickly get a grip on the floods.

Haunted by the prospect of cannibalism in the Home Counties and obscene pagan rites in a flooded Thames Valley, Communities Secretary Eric Pickles has moved rapidly to try and assuage public concerns that the government has failed to take the situation seriously, apologising for his administration’s failures and promising to take decisive action – starting with using his gargantuan arse to breach the break in Dawlish’s sea wall in order to allow the mainline from London to reopen. Speaking in flood-hit Sunbury, he also pointed out that the government had now deployed the army to tackle the floods. “We’ve brought in troops fresh from Afghanistan to defend our communities against this insidious threat,” he told a packed public meeting in the town centre. “I’ve no doubt that their military precision will succeed in rescuing this situation created by the bungling of the Labour-led Environment Agency.” However, the army spectacularly, not to mention embarrassingly, failed to force the floods into retreat, with the 3rd Battalion Whitechapel Fusiliers suffering heavy losses following a skirmish on the banks of the Thames in Berkshire. “The plan was to set up a defensive position a couple of hundred yards inland on the right bank and block the water’s advance,” explains Corporal Artie Headlock, a survivor of the encounter. “As it approached we threw everything we had at it – mortars, rifle fire, machine guns, the lot! But it just kept on coming – before we knew it, the river had outflanked us! The lads started to panic, then some of them broke and ran, abandoning their weapons! I stayed at my machine gun as long as I could, firing thousands of rounds at it, but was forced to pull out when it started lapping over my boots!” Further down the river, in Surrey, an entire platoon of the 1st Collapsing Grenadiers was lost after they heroically charged encroaching flood waters with fixed bayonets.

With the troops having failed, the government has been forced to explore alternative strategies to counter the floods, with Pickles quickly announcing a new initiative to alleviate the threat of flooding in Berkshire and Surrey, where hundreds of homes in traditionally Tory-voting areas are currently under threat from rising waters. “Even as we speak, I’ve authorised teams of engineers to set up powerful pumps and a new network of drainage channels, designed to divert the encroaching waters from the houses of these hard-working, middle class, people, and divert them to the inadequate drainage systems of inner city housing estates in Reading, Staines and West London,” he told a press conference. “After all, we’re all in this weather together and it is only fair that the flooding should be shared by those not living anywhere near a flood plain or river. This move will also minimise damage and cut insurance claims – the sort of people living on these estates won’t have anything like the sort of valuable possessions middle class people have and most of them probably can’t afford home insurance. Besides, their hovels are usually running with damp and full of crap anyway, so they’ll hardly notice the difference if they’re flooded with river water and raw sewage.”

At least one top environmental expert The Sleaze has contacted believes that all of the government’s efforts are doomed to failure. “They’ve got it right down in Cornwall – we’ve angered King Neptune and now we’re facing his wrath!” declared Dr Colin Fostoon from his floating house in Windsor. “They said I was mad when I built this place a few years ago – but even then I could see the dangerous path we were treading! Can we be surprised that Neptune is angry? We’ve spent decades depleting his realm of fish and whales, contaminating it with oil and pumping our raw effluent into it. I mean, wouldn’t you be bloody annoyed if someone spent years shitting in your garden? It’s no different to the way we’ve treated the oceans! If letting the sea take Cornwall and Somerset is what it takes to appease King Neptune, then I say that’s a small price to pay!” However, Fostoon believes more drastic measuresvwill be required to resolve the crisis, pointing out that the sacrifice of a King was often used in ancient times to appease the gods and ensure good harvests. “With modern monarchs deferring most of their powers to parliament, doesn’t that make Cameron a sort of proxy king?” he muses. “If we have to sacrifice David Cameron by burning him to death in a huge wicker man on the cliffs at Land’s End, then so be it!”