The discovery of a senior Tory backbencher strapped into a bizarre ‘torture machine’ in an Edgeware S&M ‘dungeon’ has resulted in the revelation of a new sex scandal threatening to engulf Britain’s ruling party. Sir Geoffrey Chessington- Humpler, a former Treasury minister, was found naked, save for an elaborate leather harness that was holding him into a room-filing, hand cranked, contraption that could administer various forms of corporal punishment, either individually, in combination or simultaneously, including spankings, canings, ball slappings and flagellation, by firemen. “The Fire Brigade had been called to the premises – known as the ‘Pain Parlour’, by an anxious ‘attendant’, who couldn’t get him out of the harness and feared that he was about to suffer a heart attack,” a Metropolitan spokesperson told a press conference. “His removal from the contraption was further complicated by a risk of castration, as his penis was still trapped in what the proprietor of the premises described as a ‘Chinese Penis Puzzle’.” At first it was thought that the victim was just another elderly pervert, but a search of his clothing revealed ID that identified him as an MP. “At which point, it became a security matter,” the spokesperson confirmed. “For all we knew, this might have been some kind of elaborate assassination attempt.”

According to the seventy three year old MP, he was originally contacted by a complete stranger, via text message, inviting him to a meeting in Edgware. “Obviously, I accepted their invitation, I mean, it could have been a constituent needing vital advice – it would have been poor political etiquette to have ignored them,” reasoned the MP, who represents a constituency in Essex. “So I met what turned out to be a charming young woman at a local tea rooms, but she must have slipped something into my Earl Grey as the next thing I knew, I was strapped into that infernal device having my buttocks and genitals beaten black and blue!” Special Branch and Security Service investigators at first suspected that Chessington-Humpler’s ordeal might have constituted a form of exotic torture, with his tormentors hoping to extract classified information from him via extreme pain. “If that was the plan, then the blighters were on a hiding to nothing, so to speak,” declared Sir Geoffrey. “I’m afraid that I’m pretty much immune to pain of any kind – I’ve had plenty of experience of beatings. In fact, I rather enjoy it, so they were barking up the wrong tree. Besides, the buggers never asked me anything, except to anxiously enquire whether I was having a coronary.” Moreover, as investigators concluded, the MP had been out of government for so long that it was highly unlikely that he knew anything of value to anyone. The backbencher did, however, recall that several photos were taken of him strapped into the ‘pain machine’.

In the wake of Chessington-Humpler’s humiliation, several other of Tory MPs apparently being entrapped into various extreme bondage activities, then photographed. The pattern was always the same – messages from complete strangers, via text, messaging apps and e-mail, followed by some kind of painful ordeal in an S&M establishment. “It was all a blur – one minute I was texting this complete stranger, the next I was having my scrotum nailed to a Welsh dresser in the backroom of terraced house in Leyton,” Royston Crempe, who represents Upper Grinstead for the Tories, told the Daily Excess. “It seems that I’d fallen into the hands of some kind of extreme masochism group – probably with affiliations to Islamic terrorists and Extinction Rebellion.” Again, the MP was apparently not interrogated, but was photographed. Another backbencher, Hugh Twinnick, claims that he thought that he was going round to a Plumstead house to speak to two spinster constituents about a planning issue – even though he represents a constituency in the Midlands – but instead found himself tied naked to a four poster bed. “Next thing, these two spinsters – now clad in revealing black leather outfits – were dripping hot wax first onto my chest, then my knackers! It was agonising!” he revealed to tabloid The Daily Norks. “Later, they had me bent over a wooden kitchen table – that’s when they shoved a cucumber up my chutney. I have to say, that it wasn’t to bad, it even felt comfortable. But then it turned out that the evil minxes had stuck some kind of electrode in the damn thing and proceeded to put a hundred volts through it – I tell you, it felt like my bum hole was on fire!”

Twinnick was eventually set free – unceremoniously bundled, naked, from the back of a Transit van in the middle of Plumstead High Street. After initially being arrested for indecent exposure, he was handed over to Special Branch and the Security Service, to whom he confirmed that he hadn’t been interrogated, only photographed. Investigators naturally assumed that the photos in these and several other cases, had been for the purposes of blackmail – yet none of the victims had been contacted with monetary demands, nor had any of the photos surfaced. Who was behind the scheme and what their purpose might be was still a mystery. A break in the case came when what appeared to be some of the photos appeared in the national press – with the victims’ faces and genitalia tastefully pixellated – with the revelation that the linking factor between the victims was their use of the extreme bondage dating app Whipr. The whole scheme seemed to have started with a single Tory backbencher, Willy Wanger who, when confronted by a journalist, admitted that he had found himself compromised when he responded to a photo of a man’s genitals, sent to him anonymously.

“Look, I just thought that it was a constituent who wanted advice on the treatment of a sexually transmitted disease – I used to on the Commons Select Committee for Sexual Health – so I replied, telling them I’d need to see it up close and for real for a proper examination,” he explained. “Next thing, I was suspended from a basement ceiling having my todger caned by a masked man!” Under threat of blackmail, Wanger revealed the names anddetails of a number of colleagues he knew to also be Whipr users. But still the question remains as to who is behind the blackmail plot. While the Daily Excess, in its article, blamed a transsexual-leftist- environmentalist-Islamic terror alliance , enabled by the permissive society, wokery-gone-mad and the Labour Party, others suspect the culprits lie closer to home. “My suspicion is that this is the work of people affiliated to the hard right of the Tory party,” opines security expert Vic Scrotters. “While blackmail might still be part of their plan – aiming to coerce Tory backbenchers into voting for more reactionary legislation on things like immigration and benefits cuts – for now their aim seems to be to embarrass and discredit unsympathetic MPs by releasing these photos to the press.”