Who is the British media personality hiding behind the latest super injunction? This time the gagging order, rather than hiding any sexual indiscretion, is apparently to prevent any reporting of a bitter dispute between a well known politician and his neighbours, who have alleged that his early morning farting has turned their local area into the ‘Windy City’ and is disturbing their peace, damaging their property, causing mental anguish and lowering house prices in their street. “It might sound like a joke, but we aren’t talking about regular farting here – I’ve heard it for myself and it borders on Krakatoa-level eruptions,” says Brian Wiffler, Deputy Political Editor of the Daily Norks, who has investigated the story, but been prevented from publishing it due to the injunction. “His next door neighbours sent me a recording – it’s truly ear-splitting – but they couldn’t identify themselves, the perpetrator, or even the address, for fear of being found in contempt of court!” The anti-social behaviour in question allegedly occurs every morning, when the personality in question gets up and goes into his bathroom. “He just lets them rip – an entire night’s worth of trapped wind in a series of increasingly violent farts,” claims Wiffler. “Sometimes it goes on for half an hour. Sure, everyone sits in their toilet and has a bloody good fart every morning – but not on this scale!”
Wiffler has succeeded in speaking to the family most affected by the anal aural assaults, although he can’t identify them, other than as ‘Family W’, or reveal their location. They are understandably angry and frustrated at the situation, feeling that ‘outing’ the individual in question as a social menace would most definitely be in the public interest. Most of all, they are distraught at the fat that they have been forced into silence over the trauma being inflicted upon them in their own home. “Quite frankly, he has made our lives a waking nightmare,” says Mr W, head of the family, which includes two children under the age of twelve. “Every time he lets rip in the mornings, each postern blast sends reverberations through the walls, causing our whole house to shake! We genuinely feared structural damage!” Mr W described how the anal announcements would start relatively softly, the first couple merely causing ornaments to dance on the mantlepiece above the fireplace, with subsequent emissions gradually increasing in intensity, causing pictures to fall off the walls, light fittings to swing and shelves to collapse, before rising to a house shaking finale. “It wasn’t unusual for slates to come off of the roof and soot deposits to fall down the chimney, resulting in huge black clouds billowing from the fireplace and covering the furniture in a thick layer of dirt,” he recalls. “We were so worried that the windows might break that we ended up sticking those tape Xs on them, like they did during the war, to stop glass flying into the room in the event of a bomb blast. I swear that, over time, they’ve got more powerful – huge cracks have started appearing in the walls. We’ve started putting sandbags up outside to try and absorb some of the vibrations.”
Indeed, their neighbour’s early morning rear end eruptions have become so violent in recent months that Mr W has constructed a ‘fart shelter’ at the end of his back garden. “It’s modelled on a wartime Anderson Shelter,” he explains. “It’s mainly for the benefit of the kids – all this nonsense has really scared them, at least when they are in the shelter they feel safe while all the farting is going on.” Mr W alerts his family every morning using a hand cranked World War Two air raid siren. “He’s pretty regular in the mornings – always between six thirty and seven. As soon as I feel the first tremors, I crank up the siren and the whole family head for the shelter,” he says. “The trouble is that, of late, he’s started doing it in the evenings as well, completely without warning, forcing us into the shelter at all hours!” The W family have been left wondering how their neighbour is able to withstand this level of trumping. “I didn’t think it humanly possible to break wind that loudly or violently until we had the misfortune to find ourselves living next door to this individual,” “I know that they might be being amplified by the toilet bowl when he’s letting rip in the bathroom, but even that can’t explain their volume and ferocity. Perhaps he’s farting through a megaphone? In any event, I fear for his bowels and backside – surely they can’t stand that sort of thing long term? One of these days I’m sure that he’s going to blow his toilet bowl apart, before farting his own innards out of his arsehole!”
The fact that they can’t even reveal the location of their street or the identity of their neighbour is, Mr W feels, adding insult to injury. “The world needs to know what sort of person they are, making our lives hell in this way,” he declares. “It’s not as if we can move away – the damage to the house is making it unsaleable. Even if it weren’t for that, as soon as any potential buyer heard that bastard’s behind going off, the price would plummet!” Several other residents of the street have succeeded in selling their homes and moved to safer areas, but only after ensuring that all viewings of their properties took place whilst the notorious neighbour was out. “Obviously, the new owners were less than happy when, the first morning after moving in, they found themselves awakened by the derriere dawn chorus,” he says. “Naturally, there have been threats of legal action against the sellers and their estate agents for misrepresentation. One house owner avoided such problems by ensuring that he sold his house to a deaf couple!”
With another legal challenge to the injunction preparing to go to court, media speculation is rife as to their identity of the top trumper. But The Sleaze, in the name of press freedom, is prepared to name the individual accused of turning London into the Windy City, as none other than former London Mayor, leading Brexit campaigner and right-wing buffoon Boris Johnson. But just why do we believe that Boris Johnson is the phantom farter? After all, most social media speculation has focused on the likes of Ken Livingstone and Eric Pickles, even Donald Trump, simply because he has a farty-sounding name, with Johnson’s name rarely being mentioned in connection with the ‘fart attacks’. However, we’ve been guided by the work of freelance investigative journalist Dwight Parpstone, who has been fearlessly prying into the super injunction. “For one thing, he’s got form for it,” Parpstone told us. “Remember that time when he was Mayor of London and let one go at Olympia during the Horse of the Year Show? Not only did it blow the arse out of his pants and trousers and fell half a dozen horses, but the aftershocks were felt as far away as St Albans!” The journalist also believes that Johnson’s suppression of a report on dangerous levels of air pollution around London’s schools whilst Mayor is another clear pointer as to his guilt. “It’s quite clear that the ‘pollution’ was caused by the noxious fumes emanating from his arse,” opines Parpstone. “Only someone who farts like the ‘terrible trumper’ could possibly put out enough bum gas to suffocate that many kids.” So there you have it, conclusive evidence that Boris Johnson is the so-called ‘top British politician’ being protected by the latest super injunction. Prosecute us if you dare!