Viewers tuning into TV coverage of the coronation of King Charles III were shocked to see the new monarch fighting over the crown with the undead corpse of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. “There was this sudden break in the BBC coverage, with the screen going blank, so I tarted flicking through the channels to try and see if it was still running elsewhere, that’s when I saw those appalling pictures of the zombie Queen Elizabeth crashing the proceedings and trying to snatch the crown from Charles,” claims fifty eight year old Wokingham resident Oona Frinch, speaking to the Daily Norks. “It was horrible, her rotting corpse flung open the doors of Westminster Abbey and came lurching down the aisle, biting chunks out of anyone who tried to stop her, before tearing the crown off of Charles’ head and knocking the orb out of his hand before she tried to tear his throat out with her bare dentures!” TV executives have denied that any such footage was broadcast. “This woman is clearly delusional – there was a brief break in transmission due to a technical glitch, but coverage continued uninterrupted on other channels,” a BBC spokesperson told the tabloid in response to their story. “There were clearly no zombie attacks, let alone any by her late Majesty – nobody who was physically present saw any such thing either!”

But in spite of such denials, other viewers have also claimed to seen the Royal zombie attack on the Coronation. “I know what I saw: Charles was flailing around trying to beat his mother back to death with the sceptre, shouting to his security detail to ‘shoot her in the head, for God’s sake’,” claims sixty three year old Bryan Blinn, of Finchampstead. “There was absolute chaos – people screaming and trying to run away, blood and entrails everywhere and the Queen eating someone’s entrails. At one point, Charles hurled the orb at her and the Queen’s head fell off – but she just picked it up and stuck it back onto her shoulders!” Another alleged witness to these bizarre events was seventy seven year old Bagshot resident Alf Hink, who, in common with several other viewers, claimed that it wasn’t a lone attack by the zombie queen. “It looked like the whole of the recently deceased Royal Family had crawled out of the tomb at Windsor, in various states of decay in order to cause mayhem at the coronation,” he wheezed in an interview with a local radio station. “Prince Philip, (who, face it, looked like the living dead in his last days), came lurching toward Liz Truss arms out stretched like bloody Bela Lugosi in Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman, and tried to tear her head off, while the Queen Mother tried to eat the Archbishop of Canterbury, but luckily for him her jaw fell off before she could sink her dentures in.”

According to all of those who claim to have witnesses the events, the grisly scenes cut off suddenly, just as Penny Mourdant was attempting to hack the undead Princess Margaret’s head off with her sword, followed by a brief burst of static before normal coverage resumed, as if nothing had happened. Debate has raged, not just in the press but also across social media, as to exactly what these people actually saw, with many claiming that it was some kind of mass hallucination, possibly the result of a bad batch of drugs. “There have been a lot of stories of people getting bad trips from some junk that’s been circulating in the Berkshire and North Hampshire area,” mused one Twitter user. “I mean, all those claiming to have seen this bad shit are old dudes who were probably drug fuelled hippies back in the sixties and seventies are still doing the stuff now!” The localised nature of the alleged viewings of the zombie coronation footage has led to speculation that that the TV signal in this area was interrupted by some sort of pirate broadcast. “There is precedent for this – that notorious ‘alien’ broadcast back in the seventies, for instance,” opines Dick Boner, Chief Media Correspondent of the Daily Excess. “Some individual, or even group, could have broken into the broadcast for nefarious purposes.”

But who could have been behind such an incident? “Obviously it was some kind of extremist republican group, intent upon advancing their cause by giving fatal heart attacks to older viewers, more likely to support the monarchy,” says Boner. “They obviously set up some sort of elaborate home movie to create the footage that was glimpsed by these poor people.” Some social media users claim to have been able to identify the source of the footage, based upon the descriptions given by those who claimed to have seen it. “It is clearly from the low budget 2022 production Queen of the Zombies,” says Johnny Fumbler on Facebook. “Not surprisingly, it has never been released in the UK, but was sold to a number of streaming channels on the continent – I’m sure people will remember all the fuss in the press when it was first announced in the wake of the Queen’s death. The whole idea was condemned as being offensive and tasteless.” Indeed, such was the opposition to the film that its producers moved production to the continent. “In the end they ended up filming it in Romania or Slovakia, somewhere in Eastern Europe, anyway,” explains Fumbler. “For international audiences who have never been to the UK, as long as there are lots of old buildings and a red double decker bus, then it looks like London. Anyway, you can tell that the Westminster Abbey scenes aren’t really filmed there – some of the signs you can see are in Romanian or Slovakian, or something.”

Nonetheless, there are those who still maintain that the footage was actually real and that the broacdasters and government are involved in a huge cover up, broadcasting fake footage of an uneventful, specially staged, coronation ceremony. “They knew that there was a plot to stage a zombie attack so had this fake footage ready,” claims Twitter user Andy Trasslow. “Unfortunately, in one area, the fake feed briefly failed and viewers saw the real feed live from Westminster Abbey!” According to Trasslow and his fellow conspiracists the zombie Royals were resurrected by a Royalist faction unhappy at Charles’ ‘too woke’ reign and his plans to slim down the royal Family by dispensing with the hangers on. “They were obsessed with the idea that the Queen would rise from the tomb at the coronation in order to save the monarchy,” he says. “So they apparently employed a Voodoo witch doctor to spend all night before the coronation incanting spells outside Windsor Castle!” These claims have been dismissed by official sources as being ‘utter bollocks’.