“It’s not bigotry to dislike Poles and other Eastern Europeans and to want them to go back to where they came from,” UKIP leader Nigel Farage has told the Daily Excess. “Everybody knows that they represent a very grave threat to British society due to their proclivities for vampirism and lycanthropy.” The election eve interview in the popular tabloid was intended to clarify the UKIP leader’s views of race and ethnicity and assuage voter fears that his party – with its hardline views on immigration – was fundamentally racist. “It isn’t a case of being opposed to them because they are coming over here stealing our jobs,” he claimed. “But rather it is a case of them coming over here and corrupting our women with their filthy blood drinking and shape-shifting!” Farage insists that areas of the UK which have seen large influxes of Poles, Romanians and Bulgarians have also experienced concurrent rises in reports of vampiric attacks. “The suave devils seduce young local women, dazzling them with their exotic lifestyles, before biting them and making them their vampire brides,” Farage explained. “Next thing you know, these girls are running amok in pubs and nightclubs, biting bouncers and policemen, before going home and spending the daylight hours in their bedrooms with the curtains pulled tight to keep out the light!”
Farage used the interview to confirm that one of UKIP’s key policy pledges would be to ensure that all police officers would be issued with crucifixes and silver plated batons in order to combat the Eastern European vampire and werewolf threat. “Obviously, whilst the silver batons would be effective against the werewolves, increasing the number of municipal dog catchers might be an equally effective strategy,” he told readers of the tabloid. “The reported increases in stray dogs roaming the streets in areas with large Eastern European populations has nothing to do with poor families having to give up their pets because they can’t afford to keep them on account of the Poles taking all the jobs and benefits. Those ‘dogs’ – which are at their most numerous at each full moon – are clearly Polish lycanthropes in their wolf form, out hunting for human prey! Just let the dog catchers round them up and I’m certain that the morning after they’ll find the cages at the dog pounds full of naked Polish builders!” Farage took the opportunity to defend a UKIP candidate who allegedly said that he would shoot one of his opponents, claiming that the Conservative rival in question was a well known werewolf and the ‘Kipper had been referring to silver bullets. He also refused to condemn a UKIP local council candidate who had led a mob of angry villagers wielding flaming torches and stakes into a Polish grocery store in Leeds, shouting ‘Kill the vampires’.
Not surprisingly, these views have been met with incredulity on the part of Mr Farage’s opponents who have claimed that there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Eastern Europeans are vampires and werewolves. Or, indeed, that werewolves and vampires actually exist. “For goodness sake, aren’t these people aware of the numerous cultural depictions of the cursed and undead?” an exasperated Farage asked of his critics. “They always have Eastern European accents in films – just look at Bela Lugosi. Let’s not forget that old Hammer film I saw the other night: Twins of Evil. I found it highly significant that the good and virtuous twin had an English accent, whilst her wantonly lustful sister had a slight middle European accent which got more pronounced after some filthy foreign vampire bit her – as did her wanton behaviour, to the point that she got her knockers out. No decent English girl would do a thing like that!” Once again, critics have taken issue with Farage, pointing out that Twins of Evil was set in Austria, which isn’t generally considered to be in Eastern Europe. “It’s just another example of UKIP’s weak grasp of the realities of geography, let alone politics,” scoffed former Liberal Democrat Minister of Sewers Oliver Hurge in his Daily Norks column. “Besides, since the rise of Hammer films in the 1950s, most vampires and werewolves have been portrayed by RADA-trained actors speaking with received pronunciation.”
Expanding on his view that wanting to stop immigration from Eastern Europe didn’t mean that either he or his party were racist, Mr Farage pointed out to the Daily Excess that he viewed immigrants from the Indian sub-continent far more favourably. “I know they aren’t white, or British, but they are more like us than the Poles or Albanians,” he opined. “I mean, they have a caste system which is like our class system, but stricter – we at UKIP can identify with that. People in the lower castes know their place and don’t have unrealistic expectations – they accept that those in the highest castes have all the wealth. We could learn a lot from them, I feel. Although, obviously, I’d rather that was distance learning with them in New Dehli and us here in England.”
The UKIP leader is apparently less well disposed to Afro-Caribbean immigrants. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they’re inferior or anything, I’m sure most of them are jolly nice chaps,” he told the Daily Excess. “But the fact is that they do tend to ghettoise themselves, seeking to turn their localities into versions of their homelands. I mean, I remember going to one of those awful places in South London and the High Street was just chock full of people playing bong drums and dancing around in grass skirts. I swear that the local housing estate was composed of mud huts! The next thing you know, they’ll be replacing buses with elephants and there’ll be lions roaming the streets, all so that they feel at home – if any English person complains, they’re told that they are a racist! It’s political correctness gone mad, I tell you! Enoch Powell must be spinning in his grave!” Whilst the Daily Excess has subsequently endorsed Farage’s party, urging it’s readers to vote UKIP in order to prevent large parts of Britain being turned into jungles by immigrants, the UKIP leader has disowned the interview, claiming that he had been extensively misquoted.