“I came home from work and there he was – David bloody Cameron sat in my living room going through the browsing history on my laptop. Talk about taking liberties!” thirty one year old civil servant Brian Follock recently told his local newspaper, the Camberley Free Advertiser and Evening Sheep Exchange. “After my initial shock I naturally told him to sling his hook, but he just gave me that smarmy smirk of his and started lecturing me on the evils of internet pornography! At that point I was so pissed off with him that I tried to throw him out of the flat, but before I could actually get my hands on him, these two bodyguards jumped up from behind the sofa and gave me a good kicking!” Although the Prime Minister and his entourage then left Follock’s flat, the civil servant quickly felt the consequences of the extraordinary visit. “When I finally managed to get up off of the floor and stop my nose from bleeding, I looked at the laptop the bastard had been fiddling with,” he told the newspaper. “Not only had he wiped my entire browsing history, but he’d erased all my bookmarked porn sites and installed some kind of anti-porn filter – without the password I can’t look at adult sites any more!” Follock has claimed that he didn’t bother reporting the incident to the police, as he didn’t think that they’d believe him. “What evidence did I have?” he mused in the newspaper interview. “It would just be my word against that of the Prime Minister and his two Special Branch body guards!”
Whilst Downing Street has dismissed the newspaper story as ‘utter nonsense’, adding that Mr Cameron hadn’t even been in the country at the time Follock claimed that he found him in his flat, there have been a spate of reports from private citizens claiming bizarre infringements of their liberties by cabinet ministers. “I was shocked to walk in on William Hague going through my underwear drawer,” young farmer Hank Dibbs told the Friesian Fanciers Gazette last week. “He was handling all my boxer shorts, feeling the texture and holding them up to light as if checking for wear. I thought he was going to sniff them, but thankfully, he didn’t!” Dibbs expressed bafflement as to how the former foreign Secretary had gained entry to his bedroom, as all the doors and windows to the house were locked. “When I confronted him, he just gibbered at me in that stupid way of his – like a stroke victim, before pulling on a pair of my boxers over his trousers and walking out,” Dibbs alleged, claiming that he had been too surprised by the whole incident to try and stop the dome headed diplomat. “I think he was burbling on about inspecting my underwear for skid marks, or something, but I couldn’t be sure, what with his strangulated excuse for a Yorkshire accent!”
Whilst several teachers the Basildon area have reported discovering former bonkers Education Secretary Michael Gove, (now bonkers Chief Whip), in their houses going through their bookshelves and criticising their reading matter, one of the most disturbing reports comes from Maidstone nursery worker Mary Hicklist, who awoke in the early hours of the morning to find Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt sat beside her bed. “It was really creepy, he was just sitting there, watching me,” she told the Nursing Gazette. “As far as I could make out, he’d been there for hours, watching me sleep. When he realised I was awake, he climbed out of the skylight and made off across the neighbouring roof tops!” Perhaps the most bizarre incident to be reported came from Oxford office worker Jake Shingle, who claimed that he was woken in the night by strange noises coming from his living room. Fearing he was being bugled, the twenty nine year old leaped into the room brandishing a cricket bat. “When I flicked on the light, I was astounded to find Chancellor George Osborne sticking his hands down the back of my sofa, apparently looking for loose change that had gone down there,” Shingle told the Journal of the Banbury Model Railway Society. “He didn’t miss a beat when I switched on the light, he just kept rummaging in the cushions, before moving on to the arm chairs. I subsequently found that the bastard had already been through my wallet – he got fifty quid from there.” When challenged by Shingle, the Chancellor allegedly claimed that the Exchequer was a bit short that month and that the Treasury needed some ready cash, before climbing out of a window and being driven away in a waiting Daimler.
Although the government continues to deny that any of the reported home invasions ever took place, pointing to the lack of complaints to the police, let alone physical evidence, one top conspiracy theorist believes that he has the answer to the mystery. “They are simply exercising the sweeping powers given to them by the new Data Retention and Investigatory Powers (DRIP) Act,” Colin Willcock has written in the latest edition of Practical Conspiracies Digest. “There is a little known clause in the Act which allows cabinet ministers lawful entry to any private domicile in the UK at any time of day or night, without warning or a warrant.” The clause is so secret that none of the MPs who recently voted to pass DRIP into law had sufficient security clearance to read it. “There was just a blank page in the draft bill where the clause should have been,” explained the forty one year old tanning salon manager in his article. “They were told it was a matter of national security, so obviously none of them questioned the fact that they were voting on something they couldn’t even read.”
But what purpose could such a bizarre legal clause serve? “Ostensibly, its a security measure to allow the government to pursue investigations into security matters so sensitive that only cabinet ministers have clearance to know about,” Willcock writes. “But, in reality, it is simply a way for them to take the state’s invasion of our privacy to new and very personal levels. If you are in any way suspected of any kind of subversive behaviour – like looking at internet pornography – the bastards will come round in person and harass you.” However, Willcock also believes that the Tory government has an even more sinister agenda with regard to the DRIP clause. “It represents another way for them to exercise their supposed superiority over us proles,” he concluded in his article. “It is a way for them to emphasise the fact that they are just so wealthy and powerful that they can simply walk into your house whenever they please and go through your underwear and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. It is the ultimate expression of the ordinary citizen’s powerlessness in the face of wealth and privilege!”