Police yesterday stormed a Chiswick house in order to free a government minister who had been held captive for three days in a bondage ‘dungeon’ located in the property’s cellar. Philip Boner, junior Justice Minister, had been kidnapped by militant fetishists as part of their campaign against a new law which, they claim, risk criminalizing their sexual preferences. “He was in a terrible state when we finally got to him – he was a gibbering wreck,” says Chief Inspector Barry Hobbles, who led the raid. “He was strapped naked to chair, his eyes taped open, in front of a computer screen continuously displaying a slide show of some of the most horrendous pornographic images I’ve ever seen.” Despite the Minister’s rescue, the fetishists are claiming victory. “The very fact that he hasn’t murdered anybody since his release surely proves our point,” claims one of their leaders, Jon Orbass, an Orpington accountant who, in his spare time, likes to dress in rubber and have his genitals beaten with an egg whisk. “If 72 hours of exposure to hardcore bondage, torture and submission images can’t turn someone into a homicidal maniac, then I think the authorities have to concede that violent porn is completely harmless and that this new law is completely ludicrous.” The law, introduced amidst fears that the availability of violent pornographic images could be fuelling sexual offences against women, makes it an offence to possess so-called ‘violent porn’ – the definition of which covers everything from images of simulated rape to spanking videos. The fetishists have accused the government of hypocrisy over the new law, with allegations that MPs and peers, from both sides of the political divide, are amongst the most frequent customers of London’s S&M ‘dungeons’. “Everybody knows that at least one current junior minister and over a dozen former cabinet ministers like nothing better than to spend their lunchtimes tied to a bed, their nipples wired up to the mains, having their balls assaulted with truncheons, riding crops and the like, or having cucumbers shoved up their backsides,” claims Orbass. “But apparently this doesn’t put them at risk of becoming murderers or sex offenders!” However the government has rejected these arguments out of hand, pointing out that the new law clearly only applies to the possession of images of acts of sexual violence. “The individuals they refer to are consenting adults who have chosen to indulge in actual sexual violence – the new law does nothing to make this illegal,” explained a Ministry of Justice spokesperson. “It would only become an offence if they instead looked at pictures of other people doing the same thing. Or, if they had photos of their own activities taken for their family album!”

The spokesperson also refuted claims that the government’s tacit support for the US’s torture of terror suspects could also fall foul of the new law, when photographs of the victims were published. “As such photographs weren’t taken for the purposes of sexual arousal or excitement then, technically, they aren’t pornography and therefore don’t contravene the new laws,” he pointed out. “Moreover, there is no evidence that any CIA-sponsored torturers were influenced in their career choices by viewing violent pornography.” Boner was abducted when a mob of several hundred a rubber and leather clad fetishists, some wielding whips and canes, stormed Parliament. “The doors burst open and these freaks just came surging into the lobby – for a moment I thought that the Day of Judgement had come and Hell had given up its dead,” says sixty-three year old security guard Ron Lemmins, who vainly tried to hold back the tide of fetishists as they swept into the House of Commons. “They were bloody terrifying – one of them had a leather thong on and had his arms tightly strapped to his torso with cellophane! Another one of the bastards had a giant nappy on and was gagged and blindfolded – a woman dressed as a Victorian governess was leading him on a chain attached to his dog collar!” Lemmins and two colleagues were overpowered by the bizarre intruders and quickly found themselves restrained with chains, rubber straps and leather belts. “We were utterly helpless!” he recalls with a shudder. “I was lucky, at least they only stripped me naked, gagged me with my own underpants and chained me to a chair. My mate Ollie was completely cocooned in an inflatable rubber suit – poor bugger had an asthma attack and had to be taken to hospital!”

The security guards were rescued by riot police, who stormed the lobby a few minutes later. “It was bloody bizarre – these coppers burst in and started whacking the weirdoes with their truncheons – trouble was, they loved it,” says Lemmins. “They were just falling down in front of the rozzers, pleading with them to give ‘em a bloody good beating! They didn’t resist at all – some of the kinky buggers were offering up their wrists to be handcuffed!” With the police delayed by a phalanx of submissives, a small group of fetishists managed to gain access to the public galleries, where they proceeded to hurl abuse and sex toys at the MPs below. “I’ve never known anything like it – we were in fear of our lives,” says Conservative backbencher Quentin Cropp, who suffered a mild concussion after being struck by a dildo. “It was a miracle nobody was more seriously injured – some of those vibrators they were throwing had some very dangerous looking attachments.” Indeed, according to some unconfirmed reports, the Prime Minister only avoided serious injury when the Foreign Secretary pushed him out the path of one particularly hazardous missile thrown from the gallery. “Taking a direct hit to the groin from a giant plastic strap on cock showed incredible loyalty to the PM,” remarks Cropp. “If that doesn’t put paid to those rumours about him mounting a leadership challenge, nothing will. Mind you, I doubt he’ll be mounting anything for quite a while after that.” The backbencher, who supported the new law’s introduction, believes that the fetishists’ bizarre campaign vindicates the government’s initiative. “It’s quite obvious that exposure to pictures of sexual abuse – simulated or otherwise – has turned these people into violent lunatics,” he opines. “Quite why they need to look at this kind of filth to stimulate themselves is beyond me – I’ve never needed anything stronger than a picture of Margaret Thatcher in her prime to get my old man standing.” Not surprisingly, the fetishists remain defiant, claiming that the law clearly discriminates against the less well off sexual deviant. “Sadly, unlike MPs, not all of us are wealthy enough to afford to experience our fetishes first-hand on a daily basis, so wanking off over pictures of other people doing it is the only way to satisfy our urges – now even that’s going to be taken away from us,” Orbass asserts. “The only alternatives I can see are either whacking off over photos of real torture, or getting ourselves banged up as terror suspects in some Albanian jail!”