Hilary Clinton’s campaign for the Democratic nomination has been rocked by allegations that it has been finance by the proceeds of her husband’s, former President Bill Clinton, work as a male escort. According to reports in the Weekly World Shopper, which broke the story, the Clinton camp was forced into such desperate measures as the campaign began to run short of funds in the face of Senator Obama’s growing popularity with Democratic voters. “Let’s face it, Bill’s the biggest asset they’ve got when it comes to wooing voters – literally,” comments Deke Spiggott, proprietor and editor of the notorious supermarket tabloid. “Hell, he was the only man who could get the kind of money they needed into bed with them!” Spiggott claims that the ex-President’s ‘services’ were discretely marketed through a series of ads in glossy magazines and online dating agencies. “They wanted to keep it upmarket and ensure that only the right kind of women could afford his services,” he explains. “Rolling around on the Oval Office carpet with attractive, but poor, interns wasn’t going to keep the campaign rolling. Sedate dinner dates with more mature wealthy spinsters and widows were.” Whilst the Clinton campaign has strenuously denied the claims, threatening legal action, the Shopper has printed what it claims are the testimonies of several ladies who availed themselves of the former Commander-in-Chief’s services. “It was a real thrill to be in the presence of a man who once had the power of America’s nuclear arsenal at his fingertips,” giggled fifty-six year old Boston widow Winifred Warbler, who claimed to have spent an evening with Clinton in return for a substantial campaign contribution, when interviewed by Spiggott. “All evening, all I could think of was how thrilling it would be to have those fingers running over my naked body!” To her amazement, Warbler found her fantasy becoming true, when the ex-President insisted on accompanying her to her apartment after their date. “I was thrilled, and more than a little surprised when he invited himself back for coffee – it was all meant to be purely Platonic,” she confided to the journalist. “Before I knew it, I was on the bed in my underwear, with him offering to put his finger on my ‘button’ and tantalising me with the possibility of a ‘pre-emptive strike’!” Warbler claims to have passed out due to the stress of sexual anticipation before Clinton could launch his ‘Inter Continental Love Missile’. “The last thing I remember is him pointing to its warhead and saying ‘Squat on this, Winifred, it’ll make the Earth move for you’, just before I fainted,“ she recalled in her interview. “When I woke up I was alone – it was as if he’d never been there!”
Not surprisingly, Warbler’s claims, along with similar testimonies from other women printed by the tabloid, have been dismissed by Senator Clinton’s aides as simply the desperate sexual fantasies of lonely women of a certain age. Whilst agreeing that the stories about Bill Clinton are entirely fabricated, Senator Obama’s camp have been quick to assure supporters that their candidate would never stoop to such tactics. “Of course, if he ever did, you can be sure that he’d raise far more than Clinton. I mean, you know what they say about black guys,” commented one campaign worker, raising his eyebrows suggestively. The whole ‘debate’ has been condemned by political commentators and analysts. “Jesus Christ, is this what passes for political reporting in this country – speculation over who has the biggest dick?” asks a despairing Professor Percy Parlour of Stanford University. “What about the issues, the policy debates, the economic strategies? If this really is all that the electorate are interested in, they might as well decide the Democratic nomination by having Bill Clinton and Barack Obama whipping their old men out at the convention and whacking off to see who can shoot the furthest!” According to the Shopper, a similar scenario actually did occur at the Republican convention in 1999, George W Bush won the nomination after beating the Party’s elephant mascot in a pissing contest. Spiggott defends his story, claiming that he is simply providing voters with the information they need in order to make an informed choice at the polls. “Hell, do the American people really want to have a woman who pimps out her own husband as president?” he asks. “If she’s capable of doing that to raise campaign funds, who’s to say she wouldn’t have every red-blooded American man working as a rent-boy, selling their asses to Japanese perverts to finance the Federal budget deficit?” Spiggott also claims to have physical evidence to back up his story. “We’ve got one lady who reckons that silver haired old lothario Clinton got her drunk on a date and pleasured her with his saxophone,” he says. “The vibrations from its big bell end, positioned between her legs, brought her to a climax, whilst he operated the valves with his fingers in a highly suggestive fashion!”
In an attempt to prove his story true beyond any reasonable doubt, Spiggott is currently having samples taken from the offending instrument analysed by a forensic laboratory. “If we find traces of his DNA on the mouthpiece, and hers at the other end, I reckon that’ll prove she’s telling the truth,” he declares. It is believed that Spiggott obtained the samples from Cedric Trolly of ‘Sax’R’Us’ in Washington, which has serviced Clinton’s saxophone for many years. Whilst he wouldn’t be drawn on the issue of whether or not he had provided the samples, Trolly has admitted that the ex-President’s instrument had needed a particularly thorough cleaning the last time he had serviced it. “I can’t deny that there were some strange sticky deposits at the bell end,” he confessed. “And there was a lot of curly hair blocking the tube. Come to think of it, the keys were mighty sticky this time too.” In defence of the President, Trolly revealed that it is not unusual to find foreign substances in the instruments he so lovingly services: “My father told me that he’d once had a tuba in that had been used by General MacArthur – it was full of what he was sure was horse’s jism!” The Shopper’s story isn’t the first time that allegations of politicians prostituting themselves to raise funds have surfaced. Last year the Daily Excess ran a story claiming that back in the 1980s, the British Labour Party was so strapped for cash that Gordon Brown was sent to pimp Tony Blair to off-duty sailors in Portsmouth. The future Prime Minister was, apparently, somewhat reluctant at first, but some prompting from the Chancellor to be – “For God’s sake, Tony, stop being such a prude and get your cock out” – soon turned him into a top earner. The paper also claimed that Brown, now Prime Minister himself, was preparing to do the same thing with the Milliband brothers in order to prevent the Labour Party from slipping into bankruptcy.