Residents of a quiet cul-de-sac in Reading are claiming that they have been subjected to reign of ‘psychic terror’ by a neighbour. “Our lives have been absolute hell since that bloody Uri Gellar moved into Number Fourteen,” says forty seven year old Vick Nobber, chairman of the Clitoris Close Residents’ Association. “I’ve had three TVs, two microwaves and an electric toothbrush go haywire and explode in the last two weeks alone!” The famed Israeli psychic’s neighbours believe that Gellar’s sex life – amplified by his strange powers – is causing massive disruption to their electrical appliances and other household implements. “My entire drawer of cutlery bent out of shape when he masturbated,” complains his neighbour, fifty two year old widow Martha Plinge. “As if it wasn’t bad enough my bone-handled knives and forks curling up like that, when he reached what I believe is referred to as the ‘vinegar stroke’, the drawer burst open and all the cutlery flew out and embedded itself in the kitchen wall! I was lucky not to be impaled!” Plinge is adamant that the strange behaviour of her cutlery is linked to her neighbour’s masturbation, rather than simply being the result of random poltergeist activity. “It is painfully obvious when he is ‘whipping his top’, “ she declares. “Not only is he extremely noisy, but it produces severe interference patterns on my television – instead of Midsomer Murders I get a ghostly image of him tugging his todger.” Each time this happens, she insists, her cutlery bends out of shape. The residents claim that far worse than spoon bending occurs when the famed mentalist has sexual intercourse. Walter Rackpole, for instance, awoke to find himself straddled by an inflatable sex doll. “It had its rubbery hands around my throat and was trying to throttle me,” the thirty one year old single bank clerk recalls. “I was terrified – I had to grapple with it for what seemed like an age before I managed to tear off a nipple with my teeth, causing it to go down on me.” Another resident, Ted Booler, found himself terrorised by his bedroom furniture. “First of all the duvet started rising up, as if there was a huge erection under it, before flying across the room,” he claims. “Then my bed flew up into the air, then crashed back down. It was smashed to bits, if it hadn’t been for my orthopaedic mattress I could have been seriously injured!”
Neither victim has any doubt that their ordeals were linked with Gellar’s lovemaking – a view confirmed by John Fremlock, organiser of the street’s Neighbourhood Watch. “The sex doll attack coincided with my observing Mr Gellar engaging in asphyxiation-related sex games with a young woman,” he says. “Mr Booler’s incident accompanied some very energetic three-in-a-bed action I observed using my infrared camera – the bed flying in the air coincided with Mr Gellar coming after being fellated by one lady as the other one sat on his face.” Gellar himself has never made any secret of the sexual aspects of his strange powers. Indeed, on a 1996 TV programme hosted by bikini-clad former Page Three girl Melinda Messenger, Gellar claimed to have induced simultaneous erections in over three million male viewers merely by the power of his mind. “That sort of thing might seem very amusing when you see on the telly, but believe me, when you experience it personally, night after night, it is no laughing matter,” says Nobber. ““We tried to get restraining orders, even an Anti-Social Behaviour Order, to stop his shenanigans, but the courts just wouldn’t listen. They laughed at us and accused us of harassment and a gross infringement of his privacy because we monitored his sexual activities!” In fact, it was Gellar who was awarded an injunction against his neighbours, banning them from directing any cameras or other surveillance equipment at his house. “Perhaps we did overreact – everything that happened could simply have been the result of Gellar’s powers working subconsciously. Maybe he wasn’t being deliberately anti-social,” concedes Nobber. “But after the court case, there’s no doubt that he started deliberately targeting some of us with his sinister thought waves.” Housewife Vera Stongplank was the first to experience the dark side of her neighbour’s abilities, when her washing machine started up of its own accord and proceeded to chase her around her house. “It came at me as I was at the stove, shuddering along on a delicate spin cycle,” she claims. “I fled into the dining room, thinking that it couldn’t follow me there because it would pull its own plug out of the socket.” Undeterred by the loss of electrical power, the machine kept on coming, eventually cornering Stongplank in her living room. “It pinned me up against the fireplace and went onto maximum spin,” she whimpers. “The vibrations coursed through my body, arousing me and resulting in the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever experienced!” As she moaned in ecstasy, the machine juddered to a halt. “I distinctly heard Mr Gellar’s sinister laugh as it stopped spinning,” she says. “I felt so dirty – as if I’d been raped by proxy.” A few days later another female resident, forty one year old Amelia Pancross, found herself being chased down the street by a swarm of flying sex aids, all apparently intent upon ‘pleasuring’ her.
This attack proved the final straw for the Residents’ Association. “Poor Amelia had to barricade herself into a garden shed – she was besieged there by dildoes for over three hours, fighting them off with a garden rake,” says Nobber. “There was no way we were going to stand for that bastard psychically stalking our women!” Convinced that the law wouldn’t help them, the Association took matters into their own hands, marching on the Gellar house armed with flaming torches and burning it to the ground. Gellar – who wasn’t at home at the time of the fire, although rumours persist that he was there but escaped via teleportation – has declined to comment on the whole sorry affair. However, Ron Flappett, a fellow psychic and long-time acquaintance of the mentalist, has blasted Gellar’s neighbours, accusing them of intolerance and bullying. “Uri’s the real victim here – don’t they realise that his powers were frequently causing his penis to bend into strange and painful shapes,” he claims. “But of course, these narrow minded, middle class bastards were too busy trying to blame all of their trivial problems on him, to consider how he was suffering as the result of his special powers!” Indeed, according to an unidentified source at Gellar’s local casualty department, the mystic has been admitted there seven times in the past two years with bizarre dislocations of his purple pearler. On one memorable occasion, Doctors found Gellar’s todger entwined with a twisted fork. Another time, they found its head embedded in a purple crystal. “Why do you think he had all those beautiful young women coming to his house?” asks Flappett. “He couldn’t risk touching his whanger himself, he had no choice but to employ these girls as ‘handlers’.” Police say that they currently have no plans to charge either Gellar or any of his neighbours over the strange occurrences in Clitoris Close, saying that their investigations had conclusively shown that all of the bizarre events could be explained by a combination of subsidence and faulty electrics.