“Why is everyone pretending to be surprised by these revelations that top celebrities, politicians and even bankers are using large quantities of drugs?” asks controversial political commentator and former MP Kevin Snortwell in his weekly column for the Daily Norks. “How else do you think that they are able to deal with the stress of being at the pinnacle of their professions?” Snortwell’s comments, which have been widely condemned, came in response to recent allegations, from her ex-husband, that top TV cook Nigella Lawson was frequently ‘off her face’ on drugs, the revelations that former Co Op Bank director Paul Flowers had been caught buying drugs and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s admission that he had used crack cocaine. “All of these incidents have been blown completely out of proportion – it’s not as if any of these people were having to rob banks or mug old ladies in order to finance their drug habits,” he wrote in his most recent column. “Furthermore, there is no evidence whatsoever that the use of class A drugs have, in any way, adversely affected their work!”

Indeed, Snortwell. who was forced to resign as an MP after pictures of him snorting cocaine off of the bare buttocks of a Soho prostitute came to light, has argued that drugs such as cocaine, heroin and crystal meth are actually performance enhancing. “Take Nigella, for instance, have there been any reports of her puddings failing to rise or of her turkey basting going awry? Of course not! The drugs are an essential ingredient in her culinary success – how else do you think she comes up with all those weird shit recipes? Only someone on drugs could devise a main course like pork loins baked in whale sperm, or brown bear stuffed with snow leopard entrails, for God’s sake,” he claims. “It’s the same with Paul Flowers – after his stressful time at that parliamentary committee, is it any wonder he needed a hit? The facts speak for themselves in his case: it was when he was off of drugs that his decision-making turned to shit and the Co Op Bank went on the skids!”

However, it is in the world of politics that Snortwell believes that class A drugs have had their most beneficial effects. “Everyone is going on about Rob Ford’s erratic behaviour as Toronto Mayor and blaming it on his drug taking, but the fact is that he only tried them once – if he had stayed on them then, believe me, he’d be doing an amazing job,” he opines in his column. “He’d be working like a demon, full of energy, needing less sleep and benefiting from the amazing insights drugs can give you.” Snortwell claims that drug use is far more widespread at the top level of politics than the establishment cares to admit. “I know from my own time in Westminster that all the top politicians, on both sides of the House are at it all the time,” he says. “Of course, they can’t admit it openly, as, in public, they have to pay lip-service to the ‘war on drugs’ and condemn their use. Obviously, they don’t want the unwashed masses using class A drugs – they’d only abuse them, just like they do alcohol.” Most shockingly, the former Tory backbencher claims that former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was a frequent user of class A drugs whilst in office. “Obviously, I have no direct evidence, but the signs were all there,” he says. “The fact that she never slept, the manic work rate, the delusions of grandeur – all classic signs of crack cocaine use. Then there’s the paranoia, the crazy policy ideas and those incoherent rants – she was a big time user. It was the only way she could stay on top of the game!”

Not that Snortwell is condemning the late Premier’s alleged drug use. On the contrary, he welcomes it. “Damn it, she saved the country from those bloody Bolsheviks and homos whilst she was high!” he declares. “If it wasn’t for her pursuing a fabulous drug-induced vision of Britain as a capitalistic free enterprise paradise, where good honest entrepreneurs could exercise their right to exploit the poor and vulnerable for profit, without fear of labour laws, human rights or common decency, then we’d all be buggering each other for loose change in some kind of state collective knocking shop!” Whilst leading figures from across the political spectrum have rushed to condemn Snortwell’s claims regarding Lady Thatcher, branding them ‘ludicrous’ and ‘grossly offensive’, the former backbencher remains unrepentant, accusing his detractors of hypocrisy. “If anything, they are even bigger users than Thatcher,” he says, threatening to name names in his next newspaper column. “How else do you explain the current government’s economic policies? Or their welfare policies, for that matter? Come on, only someone completely off of their face would come up with stuff like that, then actually try to put it into practice! Frankly, if class A drugs can fuel a right wing revolution like this, then they should be taking more of them!”  Snortwell has also warned of the dangers of our political leaders not using drugs.  “We’ve all seen what happens – just look at John Major’s government: dull, grey and completely uninspired,” he points out.  “That’s why Ed Miliband must never be Prime Minister – he’s so bloody straight he’d bore us all to death!”

According to Snortwell drug top echelon drug abuse extends well beyond the world of politics. “Trust me, the Royal family are at it all the time – what else can explain Prince Philip’s extraordinary longevity and the Queen’s incredible sex drive, despite her advancing years?” he says, although he maintains that he older generation of Royals only dabble in so-called soft drugs. “The fact is that their entire wealth is based upon their drug-dealing activities – they have extensive cannabis factories running on the Royal estates and distribute it through their network of aides and servants. The fact is that, whilst they like a good bit of blow and maybe the odd E, Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh don’t approve of the harder stuff. They leave that shit to the kids.” Indeed, the former MP claims that Prince Charles is one of the UK’s biggest crack dealers. “The trouble is that he samples too much of his own product – just look at all that talking to plants he does, not to mention the crazy ideas about architecture, women and science, not to mention the obscene letters he sends to government ministers,” he says. “But he’s looking to expand – that’s what is behind his increased interest in organic farming is about. He’s planning to set up crystal meth factories in his barns and outbuildings. It’s the next big thing in drugs, believe me.” However, with the facing threats of libel suits if any government ministers are named as drug users, there is now considerable doubt as to whether Snortwell’s next column will see the light of day. “It’s just another attempt to gag the press and stifle the truth,” he declares. “The establishment just don’t want people to know about the beneficial properties of class A drugs!”