Terror hit Britain’s roads last week after a militant motoring group known as ‘Road Rage’ claimed responsibility for an attack in which shoulder-launched surface-to surface missiles were fired at speed cameras from a speeding BMW on a busy stretch of the M5 motorway. Launched from the car’s rear window by a masked man, five of the missiles found their targets, but the sixth strayed off course, hitting a coach-load of handicapped children out on a day trip. This, just the latest in a series of similar outrages perpetrated by ‘Road Rage’ (which have included digging up speed bumps, destroying traffic lights and even attacking roadworks), has been condemned by the authorities. “So far we’ve been damn lucky that there have been no fatalities – well, except maybe for the handicapped kiddies on the coach, but they don’t count really, do they?” comments Inspector Andy Strummer of the West Midlands police. “This is a very disturbing development, in the past such protesters limited themselves simply to painting speed cameras fluorescent orange so as to bring them to other motorists’ attention, or covering up their lenses to prevent them from operating.”

However, the auto-terrorists, who claim to be “claiming back the roads for motorists”, have shown no aversion to the use of violence. Only last month they targeted roadworks on the M6, with a group of masked assailants attacking gangers working on a coned-off lane of the busy motorway. “Apparently this Audi ploughed through the cones and screeched to a halt in front of one of their earth-movers. A gang of balaclava-clad blokes leapt out and set about the workmen with pick-axe handles, commandeered the earth-mover and crashed into a dumper truck before torching it! Finally, they used an ashphalt-spreader to crudely resurface the dug-up section of roadway and reopened it to traffic,” explains Strummer, adding that the results of this action may not have been quite what the terrorists had originally intended. “The end result was several motorists speeding down a partly made-up section of motorway before colliding with a parked cement mixer. Very nasty!” An earlier attempt by the protesters to speed up the traffic flow in a busy town centre also resulted in chaos, when plastic explosive was used to destroy traffic lights at several busy junctions in Birmingham. Multiple traffic accidents ensued as motorists sped across the intersections with little or no regard for other road users or traffic priorities. However, ‘Road Rage’ remains unrepentant, with an anonymous spokesperson claiming that these initiatives had only failed because motorists simply weren’t used to the unfettered freedom to drive they were presented with: “After decades of being imprisoned by repressive traffic laws freedom came as a traumatic shock to their systems – they were like a Catholic priest put in charge of a boys under-twelve football team, they just went a little crazy!”

The long-term aims of the ‘Road Rage’ group are quite straightforward – to give motorists back their freedom. “It’s the ‘Nanny State’ gone mad – why shouldn’t I be able to drive my own car along roads I’ve paid for with my Road Tax as fast as I like? It’s a clear breach of my human rights,” contends one of their leaders, a shadowy figure known only as ‘Max Power’. “They keep bringing in these restrictions like speed cameras and so-called ‘traffic calming’ measures – not to mention trying to restrict the performance of our cars with supposed emissions control equipment – in the name of ‘health and safety’, or ‘preserving the environment’! The truth is that there is no evidence whatsoever that speed kills! On the contrary, it’s those stupid bastards who insist on travelling at, or even below, the so-called ‘speed limits’, who cause the accidents by obstructing the roads and forcing the rest of us to swerve around them or brake suddenly!”

‘Max’ and his cohorts also believe that most major roadworks are merely part of a class-driven conspiracy designed to slow Britain’s motorists even more. “It’s obvious – just look at the way they simply appear out of the blue! One day you can be cruising happily down a perfectly sound stretch of road at 80 mph, the next you’re forced to screech to a halt at the same place by the appearance of temporary traffic lights with about sixty thickoes in fluorescent jackets digging up the road,” he rages. “If you try asking any of them what’s wrong with the road, they just shrug! It’s quite clear that these roadworks are simply a job-creation scheme for the mentally deficient with the added bonus for the authorities of slowing down traffic! What else would you expect from this Trotskyite, neo Marxist-Leninst government? They simply equate private motoring with the hated middle classes!” The group argue that whilst, in the short-term, chaos might well ensue from the government acceding to their demands for the abolition of the speed limit and other traffic controls, in the long-term a process of natural selection would actually make the roads safer. “All those old gits and timid little women who can’t take the pace will soon be wiped out, or at the very least run off the roads and forced to use public transport – leaving only the good drivers who can safely drive at over 100 mph on the roads,” explains ‘Max’. “The end result will be faster roads, people will finally be able to get where they are going in a reasonable time!”

The protesters believe that such measures should not just be applied to motorways, but to urban areas also. “It stands to reason, if the speed limit in towns is abolished, we can get through them that much quicker, thereby making city streets safer,” reasons ‘Max’. “Not only that, but if a pedestrian steps out into the road, they should be fair game for motorists to run over! I mean, I don’t go driving on their pavements, do I? All I ask is that they show some mutual respect and keep off my roads!” Indeed, ‘Max’ contends that allowing motorists to try and run over children could actually be beneficial – only the fastest and fittest would survive, thereby improving the gene pool. Top psychiatrist Dr Adam Schwantz believes that ‘Road Rage’ is a response to the emasculating effect of modern society upon the male psyche. “These men feel the only way to express their masculinity and is through driving their powerful machines at wild and dangerous speeds,” he claims. “Consequently they perceive what others see as perfectly sensible health and safety measures as a form of castration!” His solution is simple: “The government should forget about speeding fines or putting points on licences, and instead impose chemical castration on all male drivers convicted of speeding offences! Believe me, as the testosterone level falls, so will the accident rate!”