Relatives of a Briton held hostage in Iraq for the past three months, have been shocked by his appearance in a recently released video. “I was appalled by what I saw,” says forty eight year old Peter Cheeser, whose brother Dan was seized by insurgents in Baghdad whilst on a peace mission from his local church. “There he was in this dingy, ill-lit room, lying on a bare mattress whilst this buxom blonde woman bounces up and down on him, rubbing her ample breasts in his face !” Whilst agreeing that the man in the video is definitely Dan Cheeser, analysts have been baffled by the source of the video, which Peter Cheeser claims he rented ‘under the counter’ from his local newsagent in Chester. “I was just looking for some light entertainment to take my mind off of Dan’s plight for a couple of hours,” explains the part-time van driver, who claims to have suffered a nervous breakdown, lost three stone and gone prematurely bald as a result of the stress caused by his brother’s abduction. “But no sooner had I settled down on the sofa to watch it with a can of beer and a box of tissues, then poor Dan himself literally pops up, ejaculating all over that girl’s arse! Seeing him subjected to such treatment has made me feel even worse!” Peter and Dan’s mother, seventy two year old Muriel Cheeser also suffered extreme distress when she saw the harrowing video of her son Dan. “She walked into the living room as I was watching it, took one look at Dan being pulled off by a nun and shrieked in shock! She startled me so much I spilt my beer and tripped over my trousers – which were around my ankles – as I leapt up from the sofa in surprise,” explains Peter. “She took one look at me, screamed again, and collapsed, frantically clutching at her chest!” The situation worsened when the local vicar arrived on a pastoral visit. “He took one look at me standing over my old mother, John Thomas in hand, dirty video playing in the background, and smacked me in the mouth,” recalls Peter. “It’s easy to see the funny side now, but I can tell you, it was very stressful at the time!”

Despite suffering a mild stroke, Mrs Cheeser has made a full recovery, although she is still being prescribed tranquillisers. “Dan’s kidnap has exacted a terrible toll on this family,” observes the vicar, the Reverend Nathaniel Spudwater, whose church – the Covenant of Jesus Christ the Naturist – had organised Dan’s goodwill visit to Iraq. “Whilst we’re all obviously glad to finally have confirmation that he is alive, this seems such a bizarre and cruel way for his abductors to make contact – don’t they usually show hostage videos on TV or on the internet, rather than renting them in brown paper covers from local newsagents?” Spudwater is also worried that Dan’s health might be deteriorating. “Having seen the video half a dozen times now, it is clear to me that he looks tired and drawn – on several occasions he has trouble getting his erection up past half-mast,” he muses. “The kind of inhuman torture his captors are subjecting him to must be hell for a good Christian like Dan!” According to sources within the US intelligence community, the CIA fears that the Cheeser video is evidence of a sinister new development in the Iraqi insurgent’s anti-western campaign. “We suspect that they are deliberately abducting westerners with a view to forcing them to participate in pornographic motion pictures, which are then sold in the US and Europe, the proceeds funding their terrorist activities within Iraq,” opines CIA spokesperson Harry Breezer. “No doubt they also hope to further undermine our democratic societies and moral values by corrupting our youth with this filth! We believe that the use of practising Christian hostages is also deliberate, a perverted attempt to show how easily they can be forced into sin!” Most disturbingly, the CIA claims to have evidence that the insurgents intend stepping up their campaign of kidnapping westerns so as to step up film production to meet increasing demand from Europe and the US for their films. “According to intercepted telephone conversations between one of the ‘producers’ and their distributor, they’re planning to ‘abduct to order’ to cast these movies,” says Breezer. “The distributor believes that videos featuring big-breasted blonde women and slightly overweight guys with thinning hair and glasses are selling fastest!” Consequently, the State Department is advising all US citizens who match such descriptions to avoid visiting Iraq and the Baghdad area in particular.

However, some observers have raised doubts as to whether Dan Cheeser made the video under duress. “I’m not surprised he looks haggard in it – I’d be knackered too, if I’d spent as much time shagging as he does in that film,” declares international security expert Clive Tilsitt of Pontypridd University, who has subjected the video to rigourous analysis. “Everything about that video, from the number of different sexual acts he performs, to the method of distribution, suggest that it is a professional production, and that he was a willing participant!” Tilsitt contends that Cheeser staged his own abduction so as to disappear and start a new life as a porn star, and that it was simply an unfortunate coincidence that his brother happened to rent the very first video he made. “The alleged insurgents who ‘seized’ him were clearly the production crew for this picture -all the eyewitness descriptions said they were male, wearing tool belts, and naked from the waist up with hairy chests and big moustaches,” asserts the academic. “My guess is that he’s had these repressed desires to cavort naked with big-busted women for years now – an interest in porn clearly runs in the family! It’s quite common amongst these Holy Joe church-going types!” According to Tilsitt, this isn’t the first instance of ‘hostage porn’. “A couple of months ago an American ‘hostage’ who had been missing for nearly a year turned up in a gay porn video, receiving a ‘golden shower’ whilst chained to a radiator,” he claims. “Iraq is rapidly becoming a global centre for adult film-making – labour is cheap and the general lack of law means they can film pretty much unhindered! It’s the ideal place to go for amateurs wanting to break into the business!” According to Tilsitt, it was US occupying forces who unwittingly provided the inspiration for the Iraqi porn boom. “The first of these movies was an S&M drama inspired by events at Abu Graib – when they found they couldn’t afford any real western actors to play the Americans, they resorted to kidnap,” he says. “Unfortunately, the finished product was so cheap and crappy the producers found they couldn’t sell it as drama. The only bits which got a good audience response were the sexual abuse scenes, so they just shot more of that and turned it into a prison porn flick!” Critics of Tilsitt’s theses have pointed out that the hostages who have appeared in this type of video are hardly porn-star material, being, in general, middle-aged, pot-bellied and balding. “Are you kidding? Have you seen the kind of guys who appear in regular porn movies? It’s the only way than can get it, they’re so ugly,” he retorts. “Besides, over in Iraq they’re desperate for any westerners to appear in their films, so as to secure the US/UK market!”