Welcome back to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required in a case of ‘Ghost Trolling’.
I’m turning to you in desperation – my life is currently being made a misery by the spirit world. Every time I get in contact with the ‘other side’ I find myself subjected to what I can only describe as ‘trolling’ of the most upsetting kind. It all started a few weeks ago while I and a friend were experimenting with a Ouija board. We’d got it al set up, turned the lights down, had our fingers on the glass and asked the question ‘Is there anybody there?’ – we felt the glass start to move as it spelt out an answer. Well, you can imagine how my excitement turned to horror as the spirit’s reply became clear: ‘Yes, I’m hiding behind her fat arse’. Sadly, it didn’t stop there, with the spirit imploring my friend: ‘Don’t let her bend over, her arse will block out the light and I won’t be able to move toward it’. I wouldn’t have minded, but my backside isn’t that big and besides, a lot of men prefer the larger beamed behind. Well, I just assumed that this was a one off bad experience, a literal case of a bad spirit. I mean, it stands to reason that there must be the spirits of a lot of passed over bullies floating around the afterlife and I figured that I’d just been unfortunate enough to encounter one. A few days later, however, I was attending a séance, when something similar happened. It was all going so well – we were all holding hands in a circle around the table and the ectoplasm was beginning to form around the medium. This ectoplasmic tentacle started reaching toward me, before suddenly recoiling. Then a voice issued from the medium saying ‘I wouldn’t touch her with yours, mate!’ followed by a horrible cackle! As if that wasn’t bad enough, later in the séance, the medium, possessed by his spirit guide, claimed to have a message from my Great Aunt: ‘Stripes don’t flatter big women’. Since then, these bullying spirits seem to have been following me everywhere: I keep hearing a ghostly voice whispering ‘Fat bitch’ in my ear, for instance, and just this morning the words ‘Thunder thighs’ appeared, apparently written in blood, on my bathroom floor. I really am at the end of my tether, how can I stop this harassment from beyond the grave?
Miss F Cringe, East Grinstead
The Rev Replies: An extraordinary case of the sort I’ve never encountered before. The closest I can think of is that chap from Newton Abbott who cheated on his wife – after her death, her spirit would visit him nightly, appearing at his bedside, screaming ‘Adulterer!’ Of course, if these were Earthly trolls then the best advice would be to ignore them, as it is attention they crave. But the ethereal variety are obviously far more difficult to deal with. My many years tending that curious ministry we call the bizarre, has taught me that one should never trust the spirits. While it might seem that you are being plagued by a multiplicity of phantom voices, I strongly suspect that it is a single spirit masquerading as many. I also suspect that you are not a random victim – have you offended anyone who has recently passed over? Or perhaps commented unfavourably upon the appearance of a recently deceased female celebrity? Alternatively, you yourself could be possessed by an evil spirit or demon and you are, in fact, causing all these phenomena yourself. Whatever the cause, the only sure solution is a good old fashioned exorcism. If you can’t find a competent practitioner in your area, then I can supply my patented self exorcism kit by mail order for only £9.99. It includes everything you need, including a folding crucifix, a recyclable bottle of guaranteed holy water (consecrated by yours truly) and full instructions.
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us the line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).