“Winston Churchill? That flatulent fool was the worst Prime Minister we’ve ever had!” declares top TV historian Dr David Starkers. “Believe me, we won the war in spite of him, not because of his so called leadership!” Starkers makes his controversial claims in a new documentary being aired to mark the fiftieth anniversary of the war time Premier’s death. “Everyone goes on about what an inspiration to the British people he was by staying in London during the Blitz, despite the danger from German bombs, but the truth was that it was his double who was in Downing Street while the bombs fell,” the historian alleges. “The real Churchill, meanwhile, spent the Blitz drunk in a notorious Lowestoft whorehouse, being pleasured by a dozen top prostitutes – some of them refugees from the leading knocking shops of Europe, following the Nazis’ occupation of France and the Low Countries!” In order to conceal the fact that the real Churchill was being pleasured in a Suffolk brothel whilst the citizens of London endured nightly Luftwaffe raids, the Prime Minister was forced to adopt a false identity. “MI 5 outfitted him with a false moustache, a wig and documents showing he was a travelling salesman of ‘marital aids’,” the historian claims in his TV programme. “To complete the disguise, he also had a suitcase full of dildos and various other crude electrically operated sex contraptions.”
However, disaster nearly struck when, during a particularly vigourous sex session, Churchill’s hair piece slipped and his false moustache drooped, allowing one of the prostitutes to recognise him. “Arguably, he was unlucky that it was the one facing him who turned out to be a German spy – if she’d been the one working further down, she wouldn’t have seen a thing,” Starkers muses during the documentary. “As it was, she immediately reported what she’d seen to Berlin and the Fuhrer himself authorised an operation to kidnap Churchill from the brothel.” In a dramatic reconstruction, the documentary shows how a group of German paratroopers, disguised as punters, penetrated the house of ill repute and took Churchill prisoner, bundled him into the boot of a car and took him to a deserted village on the Suffolk coast to await a rendezvous with a U-Boat. “The village they were holding Churchill in was Shingle Street, which had been evacuated and used by the British army for exercises,” explained Starkers. “Whilst they awaited the arrival of the U-Boat, the German paratroopers held Churchill in the deserted village pub, it was there that he had one of the few good ideas of his life.” Again, the documentary uses a dramatic reconstruction to demonstrate how Churchill engineered his escape by utilising his legendary flatulence – asking the Germans to allow him one last cigar before being whisked away to Berlin, the Prime Minister is shown lifting one leg and lighting his own fart with the glowing end of his cigar.
“The resultant explosion was massive, destroying the pub and sending a sheet of blue flame out across the sea, where it was powerful enough to sink the approaching U-Boat,” claims Starkers. “His flatulence was legendary, but even by his standards, the Shingle Street blast was remarkable – powered, no doubt, by his fear, he’d clearly been bottling up that fart for hours.” For several days afterwards the charred bodies of the U-Boat were washed up along the coast in the vicinity of Shingle Street. “That, along with the sheet of flame, which was seen from several miles away, resulted in rumours about a German invasion being repelled by the British somehow setting fire to the sea,” muses the historian. “To this day, the details of what really happened are classified – this is the first time that the truth has been told!” Incredibly, Churchill was pulled from the wreckage of the pub alive. “The war cabinet were actually not too happy about his survival – they felt that the double had been doing a better job and interfered less in strategic decisions,” opines the historian. “Not only that, but he drank less, womanised less and farted less. The real Churchill’s flatulence had been causing real problems in cabinet meetings. In fact, it was the fact that he’d once nearly gassed the entire cabinet which had gotten him fired in 1916, rather than the failure of the Gallipoli landings he’d masterminded.”
With the real Churchill’s flatulence and general drunkenness becoming worse, by 1942 the authorities were forced to recruit a whole series of doubles to try and meet all of his commitments. “Just about every fat bald man in Britain seemed to wandering around with a homburg and a cigar,” says Starkers. “They had to work over time to try and cover up the drunken antics of the real thing – on one occasion he turned up to inspect bomb damage in the East End dishevelled and drunk. He exposed himself to a group of passing nuns before farting and ‘following through’ – when a group of school children laughed at the spreading stain in his trousers and shouted that ‘Winnie’s shit his pants’, Churchill started throwing bricks at them and had to be dragged away by his body guards! Downing Street had to hush the whole thing up by rounding up the witnesses at a local community centre, then blowing it up with them inside, telling the press it had been hit by a German bomb.” According to the documentary, by 1944 Churchill’s flatulence had become so bad that it was causing structural damage to buildings in London. “They had to invent the whole V2 rocket threat to explain the number of houses being destroyed by mysterious explosions,” says Starkers. “The fact is that the original official explanation – that they were ‘gas explosions’ – was far more accurate.”
By this point, the real Churchill had been reduced to wandering aimlessly around the Capital, usually in an alcoholic stupor, usurped from all official duties by his doubles. “They finally had to stop him from attending international meetings of the Allied leaders after the debacle in Tehran in 1943,” the historian explains. “As if it wasn’t bad enough that a drunken Churchill had tried to French kiss Stalin during the conference, afterwards he suffered a suspected heart attack which delayed his return to the UK – inevitably, it turned out to be trapped wind, which he spectacularly released on the RAF plane flying him back to England. It blew a hole in the side of the fuselage, nearly causing the aircraft to crash into the Mediterranean. As it was, they had to make an emergency landing at Gibraltar and the RAF concocted a story about being attacked by German fighters to explain the damage!” Starkers’ account of Churchill’s war years have been hotly contested by fellow historians, most of whom have described the documentary as ‘utter shite’. Undeterred, Starkers has announced that he is working on a new documentary charting Churchill’s post-war years, which will include revelations as to how consideration was given to using the Tort leader’s flatulence as alternative to the nuclear deterrent. (Churchill: Following Through can be seen on the UK Smut channel all this week).