Preparations for the annual World Terror Awards have been thrown into turmoil amidst allegations of vote rigging at last year’s event. According to press reports, the results of a public vote for Best Comic Terror Attack were ignored, with the award going to renowned extremist double act of Abdul and Dansh for their popular hidden camera show You’ve Been Bombed, in which they record the reactions of innocent people as they’re about to be blown to bits in restaurants, buses and planes by suicide bombers, (courtesy of their on-bomber ‘terror-cam’). However, an investigation has revealed that it should have been posthumously awarded to Cantara Tabassam for her suicide attack on a US army patrol in Iraq using a pair of explosive-laden giant breasts strapped to her chest, which exploded when groped by the soldiers as they sexually assaulted her. “It’s been a public relations disaster – the Al Jizz network are now threatening to drop their coverage of this year’s awards,” says Mohammed Al Kakh, who has organised the event for the past four years. “The irony is that the fakery was the result of their demands that we have some big names from the world of terror to present some of the awards!” Al Kakh claims that top al Qaeda leader Ayman Zawahiri would only agree to present the Best Comic Terror Attack award if it went to his friends Abdul and Dansh. “What were we supposed to do?” he asks. “He’s a huge fan of their show. We didn’t think it would do any harm – after all it isn’t as if Tabassam was in a position to complain!” Unfortunately, Tabassam’s family and supporters were in a position to retaliate once the subterfuge was revealed, destroying the Awards’ headquarters in a suicide bombing and assassinating Dansh’s mother and sister. They also threatened to kidnap and behead several Al Jizz executives if the channel carried this year’s Awards. “This outrage completely undermines our credibility and stifles creativity,” declares Faisil Humppah, who now leads Tabassam’s terror organisation. “It is clear for everyone to see that exploding breasts, which cause the infidels to die as a result of their own depravity, are far more amusing than any tired old hidden camera nonsense. If the organisers are always to play safe and reward these mediocre, middle-of-the-road clowns with their lazy terror routines, then where is the incentive for young up-and-coming extremists to be innovative and ingenious?”

The Terror Awards have also been the target of criticism for their apparent favouring of Islamic extremist groups over more traditional, longer established groups. “It’s those bloody Arabs, the feckers all vote for one another regardless of the quality of the individual entries,” laments Padraig O’Bolloghs, voted Terrorist of the Year back in 1978 for his work with the IRA. “I’m telling you, if you’re in the IRA, Real IRA, Continuity IRA, UDA, ETA, Red Brigade or any other Western terror organisation, you needn’t bother entering these days.” O’Bolloghs also has little time for the style of terrorism which currently wins awards. “It all seems to be about ‘artistic interpretation’ and bollocks like that,” he snorts derisorily. “In my day it was all about how efficient you were – how quickly you got in, how many of the bastards you killed and how quick you get out. Nobody gave a toss about how well composed the video of your atrocity was, or whether your explosions are symmetrical and balanced!” The current emphasis upon martyrdom is another cause of concern for the Irishman. “What’s so feckin’ clever about blowing yourself up? Surely they should be giving awards to the guys who can successfully pull off a job and get away in one piece,” he says. “Trust me, you wouldn’t have seen any of our boys queuing up to volunteer for suicide missions! I’m telling you, this suicide shit is what’s leading to the decline of Western terrorism – there’s no way any normal, decent young Western people are going to sign up if they think the only way to get on in the business is by dying!” Humppah, however, is dismissive of such criticisms, arguing that terrorism will only be taken seriously if it transcends mere mindless violence and embraces artistic creativity. “Great terrorism is like performance art – we are making a statement in blood and mayhem,” he says. “Any fool can cut off a head or shoot someone – if that’s all we do, then we’re no better than those lunatics who run amok in American shopping malls, shooting people at random!” Lest anyone think he was taking himself too seriously, Humppah is at pains to emphasise the importance of humour when carrying out atrocities. “I always tell my trainees – leave them laughing. If you don’t, you risk alienating your audience,” he reveals. “I show them that execution video I made – the one where the hostage is sobbing, thinking he’s about to be beheaded. However, there is much mirth when the sword is revealed to be rubber! It completely defuses an awkward situation. As he laughs uproariously, we shoot him! A double whammy! Most amusing!”

O’Bolloghs remains unconvinced, and has voiced his fears that the current emphasis on producing entertaining attacks could be obscuring the central purpose of terrorism. “These days they spend so much time trying to out do each other, they forget why they’re doing it,” he opines. “I mean, one week one lot of these feckin’ Arabs flies an airliner into a building, the next week another bunch tries to trump them with a synchronised suicide bombing, taking out eight buses simultaneously, the pattern of the explosions spelling out some holy Arabic shite! But is anybody any the wiser as to exactly what it is that Al Qaeda wants? Back in my day everybody knew what the IRA wanted. It was the same with the Basques. Keep it simple and don’t let the message get obscured by the execution!” The ex-IRA man is in no doubt that Islamic extremism’s current dominance of international terrorism has been a major factor in the declining memberships of Western terror organisations. “Nobody’s paying any attention to us anymore – these bloody awards show that! It’ll be the same this year, the Arabs’ll stick together and sweep the board again,” he says, adding that without changes to the voting system, many top Western terrorist groups will be boycotting next year’s awards. “Mind you, some of us might not even be around by then – things are getting’ so bad we’re thinkin’ of windin’ up the IRA and selling the franchise to someone else.” Rumours are already rife that Sir Richard Branson is planning to buy the beleaguered terror franchise and add it to his Virgin empire. “It would make perfect sense – they could offer cross-franchise deals: cut price tickets on Virgin planes for hijackers, for instance,” enthuses one terror expert. “Branson could be just the man to restore this once great name to its former glories – just look at what he’s done to Britain’s railways!”