“At a time when most medical experts agree that obesity is the biggest threat to the nation’s health, we have stupid bastards like Osborne effectively encouraging over consumption in the poor,” declared Dr Dick Puller, deputy editor of top medical journal The Catheter, following the announcement of Chancellor George Osborne’s new scheme for boosting economic growth. “I’m telling you that the NHS just won’t be able to cope with the upsurge in obesity-related illnesses if they actually go ahead with this crazy scheme!” Faced with the continued decline of Britain’s manufacturing sector, with output declining alarmingly as demand for its products stagnates, the government is to impose consumption quotas on Britain’s poor, requiring them to consume a fixed number of British produced goods and products every month. “Failure to meet their quota will lead to their benefits and tax credits being cut or suspended,” claimed an appalled Puller. “The result will be some of the worst nourished families in Britain literally force-feeding themselves huge quantities of British farm products like full fat milk, fatty foods like bacon and carbohydrate high potato products! An explosion of obesity, heart disease and bowel cancers will be the inevitable result!”

Ed Clax, a researcher with right-wing think tank Blue Sky Thinking, has dismissed Puller’s criticisms of the plan, labelling them ‘hysterical’ and ‘unhelpful’. “I really don’t know what the problem is – the government are constantly being criticised for allegedly penalising the poor to the point that they can’t even afford to eat, yet now they propose to actually feed them, the left still aren’t happy,” he asserted. “This is a ‘win-win’ situation: these poor bastards get to eat more food than they can dream of and British food manufacturers and farmers see demand for their products soar, encouraging them in increase production! Best of all, the poor people won’t have to pay for it, as the food will be bought by the government, using savings gained by cutting the welfare budget.” According to Treasury sources, the Chancellor was inspired to create his bold new scheme after watching former Cabinet colleague Eric Pickles competing in an international extreme eating contest. “Eric’s a multiple champion for extreme eating – he’s taken on and beaten the best in Europe: Angela Merkel, ‘Fatty’ Soames, the lot,” the source told The Sleaze. “You should see him in action – the way he shovels all those cakes, hot dogs, bacon rolls and the like into his mouth is inspirational. Who says Britain can’t still produce world beaters?”

But stuffing the poor full of fatty foods is only the first part of Osborne’s plan to stimulate economic demand, according to Ed Clax. “Obviously, it isn’t just food production and agriculture which need boosting: it’s every sector of British manufacturing, from furniture makers to the automotive industry,” he explained. “So, after the food, the next stage will be to start giving them stuff like white goods, sofas, beds, even cars, every month.” The poor, however, won’t be allowed to simply keep and use the goods. “Obviously, if everyone suddenly had all-new everything in one go, them demand would simply stagnate again, after the first month,” the researcher claimed. “So they’ll have to, quite literally, consume their whole quota of goods every month, so that they can receive and consume another lot the next month.” Having ‘fattened up’ the poor with the initial quotas of free food, the government believes that their now increased appetites will leave them craving sustenance. “With the food cut off, eating their sofas and washing machines will be the only option,” chuckled Clax. “You’d be surprised at the nutritional value in most consumer goods. We’ve calculated, for instance, that a compact Nissan car could sustain a family of four for a month.”

The medical profession has condemned this newly unveiled part of the Chancellor’s scheme, warning of the detrimental effects on the health of those forced to participate. “As if the obesity isn’t bad enough, can you imagine the effect on the human body of eating a sofa?” asked Dr Puller. “The foam they use in them might not be flammable any more, but it is still highly toxic when ingested. As for the springs, imagine the damage even one could do to the digestive tract? Combined with the obesity, this forced eating of household goods will undoubtedly result in significant reductions to the lifespans of the lower classes.” Clax doesn’t see such an outcome as necessarily being negative. “Increasing life expectancy is one of the factors contributing to unsustainable population growth in the UK, not to mention the increasing economic burden of longer pension pay outs,” he noted. “Besides, even if these people suffer a shorter lifespan, surely it will at least have been a better short life than they could previously have hoped for: given ever consumer item they’d ever dreamt of for free, all the food they could eat, plus the satisfaction that in eating themselves to death they’ve made a massive contribution to the British economy!”

Opponents of the Chancellor have claimed that his ‘Conspicuous Consumption’ scheme to effectively ‘eat the deficit’ demonstrates not just Osborne’s callousness toward the less well off, but also his shaky grasp of economics. “Whilst stimulating demand for British made goods would, indeed, help the economy, simply forcing people to eat those goods won’t actually generate any real revenues,” opined top economist Professor Arthur Pripple. “After all, the consumers aren’t actually buying any goods – they are being given them by the government, which has bought them wholesale from the manufacturer’s unsold stocks using taxpayers money. No real demand has been generated!” Pripple believes that the new initiative is simply an extension of the government’s established ‘austerity policy’. “It’s simply another aspect of their desire to make the poor pay for an economic depression which was caused by the banks and financial institutions,” he declared. “Now they are being forced ro consume the British goods that the wealthy won’t buy themselves, so as to subsidise the industries the banks won’t lend to!”