“No wonder there are so many bloody queers about these days – it’s the only defence real men have against all this rampant feminism!” bellows right wing Tory MP Sir Hubert Tewkeley-Twissleton, who has controversially claimed that increasing numbers of young British men ae being forced to ‘go gay’ in the face of the so called #metoo movement. “Straight blokes pairing up and acting like homos is increasingly the only way for them to protect themselves from accusations of being horrible would be sex offenders and having their lives ruined in the process!” Writing in top tabloid The Shite, the politician has argued that modern feminism has become toxic, no longer aimed at securing women equal rights, but instead now aiming to turn the tables entirely upon men, turning them into second class citizens. “It is clear that, by talking up a few examples of wealthy over privileged men who have behaved badly toward a few women, they are seeking to demonise all men,” he contends. “They want to characterise every man as a potential rapist who needs to have his liberties severely curtailed in order to prevent his hypothetical sex offending! They want to turn men into the new ‘enemy within’!”

Most specifically, Tewkeley-Twissleton fears that single men are being targeted by the militant feminists who, he claims, now control the media, politics and law. “Just look at the way, earlier this year, that ‘Incel’ movement was suddenly all over the front pages, with media and politicians going on about them as if they were the latest terror group to start perpetrating outrages,” he says. “Nobody had ever heard of them before and it turned out that they were actually just a bunch of spotty internet nerds who spend their times in chat rooms going on about how they can’t get laid and how it is all the fault of the women who reject them and those better looking blokes the go out with instead! I mean, it never seems to occur to them that if they were to spend less time whingeing about their lack of action and fantasising about ‘punishing’ those online women who aren’t interested in them and tried talking to real women instead, they might just get somewhere? But the point is that while they might be misogynists, they are hardly Al Qeada, are they?” The back bencher believes that the over heated reporting of ‘Incel’ (which stands for ‘Involuntary Celibate’) was the first salvo in an attempt to brand single men as ‘terror suspects’.

“Trust me, anything you do as a single man will be scrutinised and somehow re-interpreted as evidence of your misogyny.,” the Tory says. “Believe me, pleasuring yourself over the lingerie section of the Great Universal catalogue – which surely every normal red blooded young man has done – will quickly become a capital offence.” The MP fears that, if the persecution of Muslims in the UK has been anything to go by, it won’t matter if you have a record of supporting women’s rights. “’That’s just a cover’, the press will start screaming,” he muses. “I’ve already been subjected to this sort of thing myself – my record on supporting women’s rights is impeccable, I’ve always done my share of the washing up at home and I even supported Theresa May for the Tory leadership, (I won’t be making that mistake again) – yet only the other day some young totty called me a ‘sexist pig’. All I’d done was hold a door open for her and compliment her on her appearance by saying something along the lines of ‘You don’t get many of those to the pound’ as she jiggled past me. Bloody ridiculous!” According to Tewkeley-Twissleton, the anti-male backlash will, like Islamaphobia, result in every young man being held responsible for the actions of a handful of sex offenders. “Just like whenever there is a terror attack, Muslims find themselves being verbally and physically attacked in the street and mosques are daubed with offensive graffiti, so will random young men find themselves attacked by mobs of women every time there is a rape,” he warns. “Who knows where it will end? Snooker halls being burned down, women driving cars into lines of young blokes queuing outside of kebab shops? They’ll probably end up imposing curfews on every single man under the age of sixty five.”

Tewkeley-Twissleton is firmly of the belief that the recent upsurge in gay rights-related issues is a direct consequence of this new militant feminism. “I ask you, when have we had so many gay pride marches and the like? It has only become popular in the past couple of years,” he opines. “It’s straight guys using homosexuality as a ‘beard’ in order to keep themselves straight. How else do you think that things like gay marriages became legalised? Trust me, there simply weren’t enough real homosexuals in the country to form an effective body.” He also ascribes the recent increase in interest in transgenderism and transgender rights to a male reaction to the rise of militant feminism. “It stands to reason, doesn’t it? The best way to protect your rights if you are a single young bloke is to become a woman,” he claims. “And this transgender business does seem primarily to be blokes dressing up as women – obviously these hard line feminists wouldn’t want to become actual men, would they? Not bloody likely!” The politician further claims that while transgenderism seems to be increasing in popularity, it is significant that many cases don’t seem to result in an actual sex change operation. “The last thing these blokes want is to have their meat and two veg cut off,” he declares. “They just want to protect themselves from anti-male persecution by disguising themselves as the enemy.”

Not surprisingly, Tewkeley-Twissleton’s opinions have been met with hostility in many corners, with several commentators taking exception to his dismissal of ‘Incel’ as a potential threat. “Let’s not forget that the reason this group hit the headlines was because one of its members murdered several people in Canada by driving a car into them,” says Dr Jeff Rottocks, Senior Lecturer in Gender Studies at the Surbiton Institute of Crocheting, writing in the Sunday Bystander. “Their members have also been linked with a number of other misogynistic attacks, so his characterisation of them as ‘internet nerds’ is to trivialise a group that represents a dangerous and growing trend in society.” Rottocks also takes issue with the MP’s claims that homosexuality and transgenderism is being used as a ‘cover’ by straight men. “Really, this is utterly infantile, homophobic nonsense,” he says. “Indeed the whole idea that men are in any way ‘under threat’ from women is just the sort of knee jerk reactionary cobblers one would expect from sexually insecure right-wingers!” Undeterred by such criticism, an unrepentant Tewkeley-Twissleton has returned to the pages of The Shite to warn that militant feminism is now an international threat. “Just look at what’s happening in the US,” he says. “We’ve now got these bloody women prepared to go on ‘suicide’ missions to try and discredit strong males who might stand up to their nonsense – like that one who publicly testified that she’d once allegedly been molested by a conservative nominee for the Supreme Court. She was willing to risk public humiliation just to try and wreck his career. I just thank God that there’s someone as strong and moral as Donald Trump in the White House to stand up to these vixens!”