With Britain’s National Health Service (NHS) still reeling from recent revelations that a company to which the disposal of medical waste – which included human organs and other body parts – had been outsourced had, instead of disposing of this material, been stockpiling it at its depots, there have now been suggestions that this was all part of a sinister scheme. “Our investigations have indicated that this wasn’t the usual case of some dodgy outsourcing company bidding low for the contract, taking the public’s money then not doing the job properly in order to maximise profits,” Detective Inspector Fred Pubis, who is heading up the enquiry into the company’s dubious activities, has told the Sunday Bystander. “We now believe that storing all these body parts and organs was part of their plan from the outset – a plan to sell them online to ‘body shoppers’ for huge profits.” According to the policeman, the wholesale storage of medical waste was part of a retail operation, whereby people could order body parts online, which would be dispatched by mail from the company’s warehouses. A kind of Amazon for illicit organ supplies. Despite much scepticism over Pubis’ claims, the top cop believes that there exists a huge potential black market in human organs and body parts. “Believe me, these ‘body shoppers’ exist – there are people out there prepared to pay big money in order to get their hands on spare body parts,” he told the newspaper. “I mean, mad scientists, for one, spring to mind.”
Indeed, one so called ‘mad scientist’ contacted by The Sleaze would seem to confirm Pubis’ assertions. “Ah yes, back in the old days budding monster makers traditionally had to resort to digging up freshly buried corpses at dead of night in order to secure the components they needed to assemble their creatures. And when that failed, they had to resort to murder.,” muses Cornelius Frankenstein, a descendant of the infamous nineteenth century monster maker. “But in this modern era of CCTV everywhere, graveyards aren’t the easy target they once were. Besides, people tend to be cremated these days, making those fresh body parts even more difficult to come by.” Speaking to us from an armchair in the living room of his modest semi detached house in Surbiton, Frankenstein – who admits that he himself still ‘dabbles’ in the family tradition – opined that it would be far more convenient for him if he could simply go online and select the arm or leg (perhaps even brain) he might need and have it sent to the laboratory he has set up in his converted garage. “No more miserable rainy nights stood in graves with hunchback assistants prising coffins open,” he observed. “Not only was there the risk of being caught, but it can be extremely bad for one’s health: both my great grandfather and great uncle succumbed to bad cases of pneumonia after catching what turned out to quite literally be their deaths of cold digging up corpses at midnight.”
Frankenstein pointed out, though, that are relatively few practising mad scientists in the UK, certainly not to sustain the sort of online body parts business outlined by Detective Inspector Pubis. “There’s just no money in it these days – why do you think that I live in a three bedroomed semi, whereas my ancestors all had castles on the continent?” he asks. “The real money for people with my sort of skills lies in those exclusive clinics offering the super wealthy ‘rejuvenation’ procedures – you don’t even have to put up with being called a ‘mad scientist’ in them: you are a ‘consultant’ instead.” According to Frankenstein, such establishments would provide a ready market for illicit but easily obtainable body parts. “These ‘rejuvenation’ treatments are actually multiple organ transplants to allow the fabulously wealthy to enjoy another hundred years of exploiting the poor,” he explains. “Imagine how much easier it would be for them to order up organs in bulk, rather than having to trawl the streets looking for suitable down and outs whose organs they can harvest. Or lure unsuspecting illegal immigrants into their basements with promises of cash in hand work, before gassing them and stealing their innards.” Moreover, he contends, the medical waste disposal guys selling the products could probably provide provenance for their products, so that the shady clinics would be able to guarantee their clients that it is all top quality stuff sourced from nice middle class white people. “They can be very picky over such things – these rich bastards will pay a premium for guaranteed Aryan origin organs,” he confides. “That’s why I don’t work for these clinics: I just don’t like the clientele – too much prejudice.”
For his part, Inspector Pubis believes that online body part supplies could also be a good service for necrophiliacs – although most of them wouldn’t need a complete body: just a hand would probably be sufficient for most of their needs. “Then there are those people with basements full of ravenous human flesh craving zombies. A situation which occurs more easily than you might imagine: it only needs some voodoo rituals to go a bit awry and you suddenly find yourself with half the denizens of the local graveyard wandering around, for instance,” he adds. “Rather than having to lure unsuspecting victims to your house to feed them with, you can simply order up all the human offal they can eat.” The same sort of thing would apply to practicing cannibals, he also claimed – an easy and discreet way to feed your dinner guests next time you host a meeting of the local cannibal association.
Doubts have been cast on Pubis’ claims by other investigators, who believe that, having landed the contract, the outsourcing company simply found itself out of its depth, with no idea of how to dispose of the body parts. “”It’s not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen – these companies often seem to bid blind for these contracts with no idea of what they actually entail. When they land them, they find that they just don’t have the expertise to fulfil them,” Chief Inspector John Sternum told the Daily Norks. “There’s no evidence they were selling any of this stuff. In fact, it seemed that they were getting desperate to find ways of getting rid of it – we were originally tipped off to the scandal when it emerged that some of their employees had some of the stuff in their own homes, disguised as ornaments and fittings. You know the sort of thing: lamps fashioned from severed arms, or candle holders made from human hands.” Pubis has been quick to respond, pointing out that there is actually a commercial market for ornaments fashioned from body parts. “Let’s not forget that Ed Gein, the ‘Wisconsin Ghoul’, liked to decorate his house with ‘ornaments’ fashioned from body parts he had robbed from local graves. Just imagine if he could have ordered all that stuff online he wouldn’t have drawn so much attention to himself and might have evaded capture,” he says. “There’s also the Nazi market – you know the sort of shit they like: books bound in human skin, lampshades likewise made from human skin. Their warped tastes could be catered for without resort to genocide by recycling some of that hoarded medical waste.” The NHS itself has declined to comment on Pubis’ allegations, but has confirmed that the outsourcing company in question has had its contract terminated.