A major leap forward in technology or an affront to decency? Opinion has been sharply divided with regard to the latest innovation from tech giants Google: the ‘smart’ contact lens, with much criticism being directed toward its most popular app – the nude filter – by civil and women’s rights groups. “It’s amazing – I never have to look at another munter again! It’s like ‘beer goggles’ without the hangover,” Sammy Jinks, an early adopter of the lenses, told yesterday’s Daily Norks, describing the app, which projects an image of stunning beautiful women over every adult female he looks at. “But even better, it allows me to see what, under ideal circumstances, what any bird I encounter might look like naked! It’s like having X-Ray specs! Really, it’s every blokes dream!” Whilst welcomed by many male users, the app has been condemned by feminist groups. “It’s quite disgusting – the ultimate in the objectification of women,” Germaine Slingback, top feminist writer, told the Sunday Bystander. “Thanks to this vile piece of technology, from now onwards no woman will be able to feel safe again, every time a man looks at them, they’ll be thinking that the bastard is quite now, quite literally, undressing them with their eyes and reducing them to a piece of meat!” Slingback also fears that the app will reinforce unrealistic expectations as to the ‘ideal’ appearance of women’s bodies, a point refuted by Sammy Jinks. “But that’s the whole point of the app – it doesn’t matter how fat or ugly a bird is, through the smart lenses she’ll look beautiful – and naked,” he pointed out in the Norks.

Twenty seven year old phone salesman Jinks even believes that the app could actually help boost women’s confidence and improve relations between the genders. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? No slapper need ever worry about how she looks any more – as long as her bloke is wearing these lenses and is using the app, she’ll always look fantastic,” he opined to the tabloid. “Not only that, but blokes will stick with their birds for longer – the app will be able to negate effects of ageing. Their knockers won’t appear to sag and their arses will always be pert! Believe me, the divorce rate will plummet!” Other supporters of the app have also pointed out that it is possible to alter its setting so that it shows men as naked with perfect physiques and hugely well-endowed. “As if that makes it OK,” Slingback told the Sunday broadsheet. “It’s just typical of the phallocentric nature of modern technology – all developed by geeky boys in their bedrooms – that the developers of this app think that women would find the sight of that sort of thing swinging toward them down the street remotely arousing!”

However, Google have denied that their smart lenses are, like so much other modern technology, simply another means of delivering pornography more efficiently to the user. “It’s the next logical step after Google Glass,” Google spokesperson Ezekiel Fring told the press at the new lenses’ official launch last month. “These lenses have all the great features of Google Glass, but with the advantage that they don’t make you look like a twat whilst wearing them!” In addition to being far more discreet than the somewhat cumbersome Google Glass, the so called ‘smart’ lenses are also, according to Google, far more powerful, with the ability not just to record what the wearer sees and project information directly into their eyes, but are also able to allow users to superimpose images over what they are seeing. “Finally, people can dispense with the dull reality of their everyday surroundings and live in the kind of worlds they think they deserve,” enthused Fring. “It has many advantages – if you regularly have to cut through some appalling slum full of ugly poor people and lowlifes on your way to work, say, now you can transform it all into an enchanted forest, full of pixies and elves! Obviously, the horrible reality is still there, but you don’t have to experience it!” Fring also believes that the new lenses could render the whole concept of home décor obsolete. “Why bother decorating your house?” he asked the assembled press reporters. “From now on you can just have bare walls and use our lenses to project any colour scheme and décor you like! Best of all, it will eliminate arguments over what colour to paint your walls: every member of the household can project their own preferences on the house interior!”

Nevertheless, critics of the new technology continue to denounce it as intrusive, with some declaring it to be little more than a means of enabling voyeurism and sexual depravity. “At least with Google Glass you were aware that some sad techno-voyeur was invading your privacy by filming you without consent,” Russell Twinnickson, of human rights advocates Liberty told the Sunday Bystander last weekend. “But these lenses are a peeping Tom’s dream – they don’t even need binoculars now to peer into your windows and cop an eyeful of private nudity! Really, these things could mean the end of privacy as we know it – from now on, every time you make love to someone, you’ll always have the nagging suspicion that they could be wearing those bloody lenses and be filming, or worse, live streaming, the whole thing! Porn from a first-person perspective – these lenses could open the floodgates to a whole new genre of smut!”

Twinnickson also fears that the new lenses could encourage a whole new type of snuff movie, by making it easier than ever for mobs to record their attacks on racial minorities, homosexuals and anyone else they deem ‘different’. “It doesn’t bear thinking about does it?” bemoaned the human rights campaigner, revealing that he had thought about it at some length. “Live feeds from each member of the mob, so as to allow viewers a choice of which angle and with which weapon – fists, boots, machetes – they can vicariously enjoy each assault! Even worse, if the victim is wearing the lenses, there’s the possibility of being able to experience being attacked!” Ultimately, he fears, the lenses could even be worn by the terminally ill, so as to provide live online ‘near death’ experiences. “No aspect of our lives will be private any more,” he mused. “Not even our last breath.”