With tension between the West and Russia reaching breaking point over the crisis in Ukraine, Britain’s Foreign Secretary, William Hague, has delivered a final ultimatum to the Kremlin: withdraw from Crimea within the next forty eight hours or Hague will personally give Russian President Vladimir Putin a good hard buggering. “That’s right, the Foreign Secretary is proposing to pull down Putin’s pants, bend him over his own desk and take him extremely roughly from behind,” a Foreign Office spokesperson told incredulous journalists at a press conference announcing the new diplomatic initiative. “It’s clear that the normal diplomatic channels have completely failed and it is time to deal with President Putin with the sort of language he understands: brute force! The only answer to his land grab in Ukraine is an ass grab in the Kremlin!” According to the Foreign Office, the intent of this latest initiative is to try and humiliate the Russian President by playing on his alleged homophobia. “If the Russian people know their leader has been taking it up the jacksie, then he will lose all authority with them,” the spokesperson explained. “Of course, if Putin finds that he enjoys the experience, rather than being humiliated by it, then it will sow doubts in his mind as to his own sexuality, which will, in turn, undermine his ability to lead Russia. So it’s a win-win situation for us.” The spokesperson was at pains to point out that Mr Hague would not, in any way, enjoy the experience: “It will simply be a case of closing his eyes and thinking of England as he does his duty.”

Questions have already been raised as to exactly how the Foreign Secretary proposes to actually carry out his threat if the Russians ignore his ultimatum. “It’s all very well threatening to give someone a bloody good bumming, but how is going to do it? Does he really think that Putin is going to let him stroll into the Kremlin and give him one over his desk?” asks top security expert Tim Goyter. “The very fact that Hague has declared his intent to molest Putin’s brown-eye means that from now onwards the Russians will be on the alert – as of now they’ll have a twenty four hour armed guard on Putin’s backside. No one will be able to penetrate those cheeks!” The Foreign Office have dismissed such questions out of hand, pointing out Mr Hague’s prowess at martial arts. “Let’s not forget that, thanks to his constant training sessions, he’s well equipped when it comes to manhandling muscular middle-aged men,” declared the Foreign Office spokesperson in a press release. “We are confident that he’ll have no trouble in penetrating the Kremlin under cover of darkness before penetrating Putin. The beauty of the situation is that the Russians will have no idea when he will strike to carry out his threat – Putin will constantly be on tenterhooks. Forever, quite literally, looking over his shoulder!”

Not surprisingly, the initiative has resurrected speculation as to the Foreign Secretary’s sexual orientation, something the Foreign Office has been quick to try and quell. “As we’ve said before, this has nothing to do with sex. The Foreign Secretary isn’t doing this for his own sexual gratification, but rather for the greater good of the global community,” the departmental spokesperson has assured the press. “The only pleasure he will derive from the whole business is that of knowing that Russia has been forced to recognise and conform with international law!” According to the spokesperson it also wasn’t unusual for a perfectly straight man like Mr Hague to be well-versed in the techniques of hostile buggery. “That’s the trouble, these days everybody thinks that it is an exclusively gay thing,” they asserted. “But many chaps from the right background have plenty of experience in this sort of thing from their public school days, where it is a purely heterosexual form of male bonding with no sexual gratification involved.” The spokesperson was also keen to allay fears that Hague would simply not be a match physically for President Putin, whose manly physique is well known to the world through his many shirtless publicity photos. “That’s the whole point of the Foreign Secretary’s martial arts training – to allow him to turn a stronger foe’s strength against them and pin them down,” the spokesperson claimed. “I can assure you that Mr Hague has spent many hours in the gym practising such manoeuvres on burly men.”

This isn’t the first time that Britain’s Foreign Office has deployed unorthodox forms of diplomacy in order to try and resolve international tension. Most notoriously, they organised last year’s ‘Bake Off’ between North and South Korea, with the aim of resolving differences between the two countries without resort to armed conflict. The cookery contest, held in the demilitarised zone (DMZ), culminated in a furious row between the two sides, with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un angrily accusing his south Korean counterpart, President Park Geun-hye, of cheating by substituting a shop bought iced sponge cake for the winning one she had supposedly baked herself, (which Kim Jong-un claimed had failed to rise due to Geun-hye using insufficient flour). The contest had already been soured when the South Koreans had accused the North Koreans of stealing their fresh cream. An armed stand off ensued as both sides massed troops on either side of the DMZ, with the forces only standing down after Kim Jong-un’s banana and grass pie was retrospectively declared joint winner of the bake off.

For many foreign affairs experts, the Foreign Office’s use of such unorthodox diplomacy simply underlines how impotent Britain has actually become. “Russia effectively annexes Crimea from Ukraine and that’s the best response we can come up with: poking Putin up the bum!” snorts Tim Goyter. “The days were when we’d send a bloody task force to deal with him, or at the very least a gun boat! Now we expect our enemies to be scared of some middle aged bald bloke taking them suddenly from behind! It’s pathetic!” Nevertheless, the Foreign Office stands by the new Crimean initiative, arguing that, if it succeeds, it could form the basis of a new, non-nuclear, deterrent. “Every time there’s an international crisis, we’d just deploy Hague to go and bugger our enemies senseless,” enthused the Foreign Office spokesperson. “No one would dare attack us with that kind of threat hanging over them! We could scrap the Trident submarine fleet – think of the money we’d save.” However, within hours of the Foreign Office unveiling Hague’s Crimea ultimatum to a startled press corps, Hague’s office issued a denial, stating that it was all a misunderstanding and that the Foreign Secretary had no plans to sexually assault President Putin, or anyone else, for that matter. The statement added that Mr Hague still planned to take strong action with regard to President Putin’s actions over Crimea. Perhaps including a pissing contest.