“The fact that the Defence Secretary had to resign due to a so called ‘sex scandal’ that involved nothing more than touching some woman’s knee fifteen years ago, just goes to underline how far British sex offending has declined since the demise of Jimmy Savile,” laments former Tory back bencher and convicted flasher Ronald Twerkington-Herpes. “Really! Across the Atlantic Harvey Weinstein has allegedly been groping breasts left, right and centre and raping his way through central casting, the best we can muster is a bit of knee fondling? How standards have declined since the days of Savile. A celebrity who not only matched Weinstein for alleged sexual depravities, but got away with it all during his lifetime! And he was more physically repugnant than Weinstein, to boot.” According to the disgraced former MP, who currently writes a column for tabloid the Daily Excess and has become a champion for British sex offending, believes that the UK has, in recent years, ceded its excellence in this field to the US, pointing out that Weinstein was emboldened enough to allegedly carry out part of his groping spree in the UK. “Time was that he wouldn’t have dared – our own celebrity sex offenders would never have allowed it,” he muses. “But nowadays the situation is so bad that we’re having to import foreign sex offenders like that Kevin Spacey to keep the offending rates up – what a sad state of affairs.”

Twerkington-Herpes believes that the situation can only get worse in the looming face of Brexit. “We have to act now if we are to keep up with the rest of the civilised world in sex offending,” he says. “With the UK imminently leaving Europe, we face losing the supply of cheap European sex offenders that we’ve been relying on for years – particularly those Eastern Europeans. The government has to come up with some kind of strategy to fill the vacuum their departure will create.” He argues that the government needs to take the lead, with its MPs setting an example for other would be British offenders to follow. “Now look, I know from my days in the House that the ranks of MPs are just chock full of flashers, gropers, sex maniacs, every variety of sex pervert known to science, not to mention good old fashioned sexists. On the Tory benches, at least,” he boasts. “Sexual misconduct was rampant – yet, despite the current situation being labelled a ‘sex scandal’ all we’ve had so far is this knee brushing nonsense and a couple of MPs suspended for other low level stuff. What sort of example is that setting? We need proper, full blooded sex scandals involving whips, chains, torture chambers, the whole lot!” Indeed, Twerkington-Herpes has controversially suggested that the Prime Minister impose a three line whip on her back benchers, requiring them to commit more sex offences.

Freelance journalist Herbert Piles, however, believes that the problem isn’t a lack of sexual misconduct on the part of Tory MPs, but rather that any attempts to publish stories about it are being suppressed. “The tabloids, in particular, are torn between their desire to publish salacious details of high level sex scandals and their owners’ desire to keep this Tory government in power,” he says, outlining his suspicions. “The fact is that, with no majority, they can’t afford to lose any MPs to sex scandals – the result could be another general election. One which Labour could well win.” The situation has left Piles extremely frustrated as he seeks to find a publisher for his own expose of a top Tory MP’s sexual misdemeanours. “I’m telling you, it’s absolute dynamite! I’ve got the goods on Jacob Rees-Mogg – how he’s been committing infidelities with his ‘Teddy’ and how the family ‘Nanny’ is actually a dominatrix who has sexually subjugated generations of Rees-Mogg men folk! So much for his Christian values,” explains the reporter. “Obviously, I don’t actually have any real evidence, just hearsay and anonymous informants, but usually that doesn’t bother the tabloids. Nevertheless, I’ve had no interest in the story whatsoever, not even from my local paper. Normally they’d be biting my hand off for this sort of stuff, especially with the political establishment allegedly in the grip of a sex scandal!”

But it isn’t just sex scandal stories about Tory MPs which seeming can’t gain any traction with the print press, Piles revealed that he has also been trying to pitch a story about Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, with little success. “I’ve got the goods on his saucy allotment antics – how he offered to show one Labour activist his ‘huge marrow’ and waved his carrots at a female passer-by. Not to mention his spicy jam-making sessions with female constituents,” he explains. “I’ve got the lot – interviews, eye-witness statements, even a blurry photo of Corbyn fondling his turnips in front of a bunch of Girl Scouts at a garden show. Yet nobody is interested!” Piles speculates that tabloid owners are hedging their bets – unwilling to get on the wrong side of someone who could soon be Prime Minister.

Twerkington-Herpes, however, refuses to criticise the British tabloid press, believing that, regardless of whether or not they are suppressing political sex scandal stories, they are making a major contribution to nurturing the next generation of British sex offenders. “I commend them for their pages chock full of nubile young female celebrities showing huge amounts of cleavage and legs,” he enthuses. “Not to mention all those ‘nip slips’ and bikini shots. Their objectification of women in this way is key to encouraging British men to become sex offenders.” The former MP especially enjoys the daily reports provided by one tabloid on the state of dress or undress of TV presenter Rachel Riley on the daytime quiz show Countdown. “I can’t think of a better way to encourage nascent stalkers,” he says. “I can only hope that young deviants the length and breadth of the United Kingdom are inspired by this to set up their own daily blogs, chronicling how much cleavage or leg their female neighbours are showing. Preferably complete with pictures of said women getting undressed in their bedrooms they’ve taken using a telephoto lens.” Twerkington-Herpes believes passionately that sex offending is a British tradition that must be preserved. “That surreptitious grope on the Underground, that gratuitous brushing up against a woman in a crowded lift, that whipping out of the plonker in the pub – all part of the rich tapestry of British life,” he opines. “All done in good humour, these are the sort of saucy japes which define the British male. There’s no harm in it, except when it ends in rape and murder, of course.”