Controversy surrounds a government decision to make sex education compulsory for five year olds, with many feeling such a move inappropriate. “Is it really appropriate for children who are barely toilet trained to be bombarded with pictures of genitalia and the intimate details of copulation?” asks Brendan O’Fugh, Catholic Bishop of Skibbereen. “Isn’t it bad enough that children are already being sexualised from an early age through watching scantily-clad kids’ TV presenters and pop singers, revealing clothes and make-up, without them being taught this filth in the classroom?” However, Jim Knackers, the Education Minister behind the scheme, disagrees. “Look, with the world full of roving paedophiles and sex offenders lurking around every corner, it is essential that today’s kids are equipped from an early age to deal with sexuality,” he explains. “Children can’t go to their local playground these days without being flashed – we want to make sure that they know exactly what’s being flashed at them. Believe me, an exposed penis is far less intimidating when you know what it is.”

O’Fugh remains unconvinced by such arguments, believing that the classroom is no fit place for sex. “I don’t accept that it is right to be shattering the innocence of young children, just because the authorities can’t keep these perverts locked up,” he opines. “Next thing you know, they’ll be giving the kiddies sexual deviance education lessons, teaching them how to be peeping Toms and the like from the age of five, just to be sure they do it right when they grow up!” Indeed, the clergyman suspects the motives of those behind the move, suspecting it to be a form of institutionalised grooming. “What other explanation can there be for grown men wanting to expose young children to sex?” he asks. “Besides, the classroom isn’t the place even for normal sex education. Traditionally that’s the preserve of the Church. Believe me, young boys can learn everything they need to know on the subject from the private lessons given by most Priests in the vestry after choir practice.”

Knackers, however, believes that the idea of giving ‘deviance lessons’ to potential future perverts isn’t without merit. “According to the BBC, a significant number of callers to a Radio One help line set up to help victims of sexual abuse a few years ago, turned out to themselves be abusers,” he explains. “Should we be surprised by this? They probably thought that the help line was actually there to give them tips on how best to sexually abuse kiddies – you know, what type of sweets are best to tempt the under eights with, or how best to affix your false moustache when lurking in the bushes.” The minister doesn’t blame these deviants for their confusion. “I mean, it can’t be easy getting into that kind of thing can it? Where do you start?” he muses. “It isn’t as if you can go to your local careers advice office and ask them exactly what qualifications you need to become a nonce. Colleges aren’t much help either, as I don’t recall ever seeing any diploma courses in paedophilia featured in their prospectuses. But supposing you do make a choice to pursue a career in sexual deviance – how do you know for sure which one is for you? Are there aptitude tests? After all, if you plumped for voyeurism, say, invested in lots of expensive cameras and surveillance equipment, only to find it didn’t give you the horn, you’d be well pissed off.”

Clearly, Knackers believes, would be perverts need a proper career structure. “There’s no point trying to leap straight into the complex stuff like stalking if you haven’t already mastered the basics of simple indecent exposure, bicycle saddle sniffing and surreptitious groping on crowded tube trains,” he points out. “Perhaps they could serve apprenticeships with established sex offenders? Or even just a mentoring scheme whereby registered sex offenders give guidance to the novices as part of the conditions of their probation? Make them give something back! There’s no doubt in my mind, putative sex offenders need far more guidance than they’re currently receiving. How can we possibly expect them to excel at their chosen profession when we refuse to discuss it, or, most of the time, even acknowledge the extent to which it goes on, eh?” Without the right encouragement, most of them will never reach the giddy heights of being a registered sex offender (by Appointment to HM The Queen), he fears, remaining, instead, just anonymous little men practicing their vices unheralded, behind closed doors.

Knackers points to the government’s previous initiatives on domestic violence as an example of how registering and regulating certain types of crime can prove beneficial. “Keeping a register of men involved in domestic violence was exactly what was needed,” he opines. “Registered wife beaters have turned out to be a huge success – for too long violence against women has been conducted in an entirely amateur fashion. At last we’re seeing some proper professional standards being applied.” Indeed, Knackers believes that domestic violence against women has gained a poor image due to a lack of finesse on the part of its practitioners. “It’s usually perpetrated by some drunken oaf with absolutely no training or subtlety, with the result that he victim ends up looking like they’ve gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and totally incapable of performing any useful function for weeks,” he declares. “What’s needed is a more scientific application of violence by a highly trained individual, which will achieve the objective of teaching the victim a lesson without incapacitating them.”

He believes that the new system has also been beneficial to women. “What self-respecting woman would want to be beaten senseless by an amateur, when she can be chastised and dominated by a professional?” Knackers asks. “If wife beaters are all licenced, then all women have to do is check with the national register to ensure that they’re being slapped by a safe pair of hands.” Knackers contends that the successful registration f wife beaters simply underlines the urgent need to properly register and regulate sex offenders. “Every sex offender should want to get on the register, it should be considered a real badge of honour,” he claims. “Right now, just about any grubby little pervert , without any proper training, can set themselves up as a deviant. A real degree of professionalism should be required if you want to make the grade. Ask any woman and they’ll tell you how much better it is to be felt up by a pro, rather than flashed at by some rank amateur who can’t even get his member out of his pants without fumbling it!”