Which Spice Girl does it for you during the old five-knuckle shuffle? That’s what we want to know as rumours swirl of yet another Spice Girls reunion. Does the thought of them returning to the spotlight to pursue ‘new projects’ bring back fond memories of your 1990s self-pleasuring? Is it Sporty, Posh, Scary, or Baby who gives you the best head on your handy shandy? Do they still do it for you? Do you imagine performing sexual gymnastics with lithe Mel C? Are you turned on by the icy aloofness of Posh Spice Victoria Beckham, (who, according to unconfirmed and doubtless completely unfounded football terrace chants, takes it up the bum)? Is the thought of leather-clad dominatrix Mel B tying you to an iron bedstead and giving you a damn good thrashing what gets you through the night? Perhaps you take after Gary Glitter and imagine giving a good hard caning to school uniform clad Emma? Or perhaps it is the thought of Ginger Spice Geri Haliwell (or Horner, as she is now – we bet she is, horny, that is) giving you a tit-wank with her ample bosom whilst singing her number one hit “Lift Me Up” which gets you to the vinegar stroke every time.

Maybe it wasn’t a Spice Girl you thought of all those years ago of whilst bashing the bishop, maybe it was a three-in-a-bed romp with those naughty Appleton sisters from All Saints. What about the Celtic charms of Irish songstresses B*witched – dressed as nuns! A good seeing to was just what those Catholic girls needed, eh guys? Was it the thought of cavorting naked in a grain-silo with jail-bait Billie which gets you smiling like a wanking Jap? Which current pop totty does it for you nowadays? Maybe you’d like to get down and – quite literally – dirty with Taylor Swift, or perhaps a spanking session with Lady Gaga gets your wanking spanners working. Whichever pop-totty it is you like to think of when you shake hands with the Devil, let us know. We’ll publish the results in a future post here and find out exactly who is top of the pop-shots!

But hey, here at The Sleaze we like to be even handed. So, not wishing to be considered sexist or guilty of the objectification of women (especially in the current climate) – despite having just asked ‘Which Spice Girl is your Masturbatory Fantasy’, (which isn’t necessarily sexist – we’re sure that there are plenty of lovely lesbian ladies out there who would be happy to share their fantasies) – we’ve decided to present something for the ladies (or gay guys): Whose Todger is Biggest? As we all know, the late Errol Flynn was prodigiously endowed and sometimes used his schlonger to play golf, snooker and, on occasion, hockey. Indeed, so enormous was his old man, that whenever Flynn had an erection the rush of blood to his nether regions caused him to faint. Errol’s rigid digit was so prominent that Bette Davis once suggested that it should have a red flashing light on top as a warning to low-flying aircraft. In an on-set joke in 1938, Flynn practiced the famous sword fight in The Adventures of Robin Hood using his banging stick, whilst Basil Rathbone used his huge nose.

But how do today’s stars match up in the meat flute department? Are the rumours true? Is big screen hard man Arnold Schwarzeneger really hung like a gnat? Does he carry all those big guns just to compensate for his short-comings in the trouser snake department? On the other hand, is smooth grey-haired romeo Richard Gere’s knob so big its like a baby’s arm hanging out of the pram? What about John Travolta – beef bayonet or pork sword? Is Mel Gibson’s lethal weapon a mutton musket or merely a trouser mauser? Is Bruce Willis packing a bacon bazooka, or did Demi Moore leave him because he could only muster a snub-nosed porridge gun? And is his ramrod circumcised to match his bald head? Let’s not forget our continental cousins. What about French hunk Gerard Depardieu – trouser trout or tiddler? Does ice cool bisexual heart-throb Alain Delon resort to metric measurements because ten centimetres sounds better than four inches? Send us your opinions on who has the biggest (and smallest) whangers so we can publish the definitive guide. Even better, if you’ve got photographic proof – send it in! Remember, its all in the public interest!

(Actually, don’t let us know in regard to either question, as we don’t give a toss – we’re just after a cheap laugh with this item. Mind you, if you do have any really bizarre masturbatory fantasies involving female pop-stars to share with us.…)